|| when words fail me ||

move

2006-10-05T03:33:00.000+08:00

Blog MOVED. Will let you know the new address INDIVIDUALLY.

-Ery.

love

2006-09-09T12:23:00.000+08:00

For the past month I've been doing nothing but splurging on dining outs, movies, coffee, teas and some other simple pleasures I don't really regret. Been wasting all time away from home and snapping photographs to make myself feel good. Life with a new boyfriend is not exactly all sugar and spice but in fact quite an emotional ordeal. I miss the careless bitching about with friends and the sweetness of just being with my young boy (you know who you are) or self-absorbing myself into a totally other side of the galaxy.

Happiness comes with a lot of responsibilities and it's not exactly the easiest thing on earth, no matter how great the joy flows into you, and I think I'm a commitment phobe, or rather, a free spirit for that matter. I want to live life my own style. Yes, with limits and my own set of regulations, but still, my own style and at my own pace. I wanna be my own girl, love. Are you willing to wait?

I don't know. I am in love with someone but I'm a swinger. And that's difficult. I wanna wander around with people I like without feeling guilty. I wanna mingle with both boys and girls and I can kiss them while they call me baby or sweet or pretty and they put their arms around me and we take pictures and at the end of the day no one guy must get envious or thinking about watching my every move.

Was it just a connection or love as it is? If it is, then it's totally accidental. Unintended.

I wanna no strings attached.

But do I really NOT love you? Or yes I do, and I'm in denial?

I know you love me but sometimes I don't want to love.

delay

2006-09-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone. Sorry for the LONG delay. I know I haven't been posting any entries since the last one but I've been dead busy. Really busy with so many things I could hardly breathe, like seriously.

Take care peeps,
Ery.

PAPASMURF

2006-07-31T16:29:00.000+08:00

This is written for Flint, my love paramour.

I missed Safiyya's and Yazid's birthdays for someone. I can't believe I'd rather skip this two events for some unlikely meet-up. I'm not keen to meet up with him actually, but since he passed a wedding photography shoot to a friend and I'm free on that day, well, am I not obliged to say yes? =) It was Safi's birthday on Sunday and I could actually turn up for that (because it was earlier and my meet-up with him was later than that) until she said something which made me wanna skip the idea. It was a birthday lunch for her organised by Farah and we were supposed to have it in some restaurant @ Marina Sq and we even have got the present ready (which was a $150 spa voucher plus complementaries) and it was sort of a surprise kinda thing, because she doesn't know anything else except Farah being in charge. And when she found out I was going, she said something, "Oh. I didn't know you're invited," with a stupid tone that turned me off. I was like WTF? OF COURSE I'M INVITED, I'VE BEEN YOUR FRIEND FOR 16 YEARS AND YOUR MOM IS MY GODMA YOU FOOL! So I decided to FARK it and go straight to meet him @ GV Plaza to watch The Libertine. He got us nachos and lemon tea.. wee. Haha.

It was a fantastic movie, if you consider the fact that it was by a first-time director. My, it was a brutally enchanting historical piece starring Hollywood god, Johnny Depp and British timeless-faced starlet Samantha Morton and virtuoso actor, John Malkovich as King Charles III. It is a very profound piece of work - about the country's poet and playwright, a hedonist who, only at the last stages of his life, learnt to love life. Quite sad and the scenes from when Depp started to develop an illness until he died, reminded me of his drug crook character in the movie 'Blow' starring himself, Penelope Cruz and Ray Liotta. Overall, The Libertine is damn good and a must watch, but you've got to bear with the old English dialogue. IT was beautiful and sublime, even the sexual content of the film. But it had some dark humour in it, and some really laugh-out-loud funnies and we were laughing out heads off.

Anyway. After the movie, we had dinner @ The Glasshouse Fish & Co. Told him my bro worked there before and I found out he worked there before too. Ha ha. Wtf. Meal was on him. Credit. Oh god. I've phobia going out with guys with credit cards. Seriously. Bad, bad phobia. Then we took a long night walk from there to Citilink - quite a rejuvenating walk. We had a long talk, about his photography and our lives in general. We had to stop occasionally because he has this knee problem due to some accident. I felt bad when I walked too fast. We got tired so we went to The Coffee Connosieur to sit and I ordered this mango soda while he had some coffee stuff.

The conversation we had there changed my life.

For the first time, I am talking to someone who knows EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FUCKING SAY ALL THESE FUCKING YEARS. I DON'T EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN. Someone who KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY AFTER I'VE TOLD EVERYTHING. OMG. It was damn freaky. It was awkwardly weird beyond words. I knew I laughed. A real laugh.

It was Yazid's birthday yesterday. I've already gotten him a gift nicely wrapped in a box with a scratch-and-win kinda greeting card. But I went to meet that someone again after his work instead, because I know he really wants to see me and I know that if I were to meet Yazid, I won't be talking much to him except about his birthday. I tried so hard, but it's difficult to establish a two-way communication with him. So I cancelled my Yazid meeting and I opted for a Swensen's ice cream dinner with my Connosieur instead. This time, I played listener because I talked too much the day before. We went for a long walk again and stayed till late @ the Espalande where I saw two of my lecture mates making out and how their faces changed when they saw me. Haha. Wtf. Carry on lah. I mean, I don't give a shite, except probably an "Oh now I know.." Haha. Anyway he shared a lot of his philopsophies and work stories with me and how he knew Ayin and all. It was uncalled for but much appreciated.

I'm just happy. Now I don't need (and don't want) to search for anything or anyone that understands and views me for who I am COMPLETELY and be receptive about my differences and looniness, anymore. It gives me a very strong reason to not give a fuck about what people think of me

valiumgig

2006-07-30T00:10:00.000+08:00

Photos!! TGIF 28 July @ Home Club.
West Grand Boulevard, Valium, Local Bar Boy & Beat!

Local Bar Boys

Valium

Zul & Az

Me & Bro

Bro & I

Yat

Ery

Zul

Don't feel like writing. Just enjoy the pics of not very much.

chickchop

2006-07-27T22:22:00.000+08:00

Hello friends and lovers!

This week is quite tiring, even though it's the school break for me. Or maybe I'm just lazy, so I feel all lazy and tired. 3 weeks of holidays, while the rest of them busy serving the sick. Well, not exactly, cos I still HAVE to come to school for some Legal Nursing Practice module. I've got a presentation for that too. Tsk.

Let me see what did I do for the week:

Tuesday: Lectures. Meet up a friend @ Raffles City. Shopping @ Marina with Elly and bought this $59 top from Attitude (I got 70% discount for that OMG I didn't know until I wanted to pay at the cashier!). Then we ate that Chicken Chop meal at KFC. Ok no big deal la, cos it's just a chicken chop with that O.R. mushroom sauce all over it with raisin-mixed coleslaw, BUT it's YUM.

Wednesday: NUH appt. I didn't talk much to Geraldine cos I always get the later slot which will not only rush her, but myself too and it affects all others lunch breaking, and those about to have lunch break, or anyone else for that matter. It was a good meet, she asked if I've gotten over that Psychopath and you know what I actually have already forgotten about him so when she brought him up I was clearly unhappy, at the same time, delighted at the fact that I have, safe to say, 90%, gotten over him. Weird, but it was a tremendous achievement. She also told me that my Dr. Tan will not be back from USA yet, sob sob, and she might hand me over to Dr Khare (Moon doesn't know this yet...I think she'll have things to say) in his MD clinic. Ok, not exactly a good news there, but if it means no drugs and only therapy, then I'm in. Oh, we laughed too. I couldn't remember exactly why, but it has got something to do with changing phone numbers to avoid people, and then Geraldine and I laughed unisonly - it felt good. Laughter makes u feel good, whether it is for the good or the bad, in any way. I had to do the usual LFT blood test and valproate screening and they give me a 25mg Crono Seroxat.. new stuff. Ha ha. I bet it will accelerate my sleepiness by 5-10 minutes earlier? I dunno. Then I met up with Daya, who is having attachments over there, went over to my aunt's place at Teban Gardens (just to spend a couple of minutes of some waste-my-time talk over mango juice, and then I met Sujan @ City Hall followed by Syidah @ Yishun. I met all the 3 girls on the same day, all in their nursey uniform. Cutes la. Cutesy.

Today: I studied medical surgical module. Babi. I hope I can pull thru the SAQs. Wicked. They should really stick to their usual 200 MCQs format. Sigh. Anyway, I went out for a night stroll. Listened to 'Take A Bow' like five million times. Banana milkshake.

Plans for tomorrow: Skip Sharon Fuck's tutorial? Watch Valium who will open for Local Bar Boy @ Home Club. There's Ginny Astreal and some other hotshots (heh) to spin tunes. Yay. I'm on guestlist. Gotta skip brother's acoustic set @ Chijmes. Hmmm. Gonna have dinner with Sharin first followed by our to-kill-time photoshoots @ CBD and then photoshoot those Valium boys before the smoke, booze, music, with the Valium girls and boys and gays, as well as Ayin and Nadia. Let's get cosy with Mr. Brown. Damn. I don't know what to wear. Maybe a brown top with pinstriped pants? Lol.

Goddamn. I'm getting more superficial nowadays. Maybe the the stars are blind.

Btw. Here's a clip from BayBeats' Tiramisu performance. Manic Jinggo is more entertaining than Thom Yorke. Now, why the hell am I always attacking Thom?

map

2006-07-21T10:04:00.000+08:00

My current addiction. MUSE - Map Of The Problematique.

Why can't we see that when we bleed, we bleed the same?

(Oh and if you wanna watch it, please click the red X on your toolbar above to stop the background music.)

bcls.

2006-07-20T11:11:00.000+08:00

I passed my BCLS finally! Yay. I had Rosalind Ho as my stupid assessor. She made me do 3 rounds of infant cpr from start to end, PERFECTLY or she wouldn't let me pass. Like, FUCK. I wanted to save my breaths for smoking later, and there she was asking me to fucking seal my mouth to the damn baby's mouth and blow until she couldn't hear any leakage. Nah bei. Anyway, that yellow sow Ho YF was there assessing adult CPR and I totally hate the sight of her that I was tempted to push her off that little stool she was sitting on. I saw her the moment I stepped into the lab and I immediately went to one of the less busy lecturers to assess me. I told myself if HYF comes forward to assess me, I would really say out loud that I want another lecturer to assess me. I would never allow any close proximity between me and a female swine. Yeah. Well, thank god I passed, despite all the back pain and screw ups during the first assessment. Phew.

Yesterday Yazid came over to my place. It was so sweet of him to drop by to meet me, in that nice blue striped shirt (yes striped shirts make me weak). I could tell he was tired - who wouldn't be, after an 8 - 5 job at the hangar, after which one had to rush to Ngee Ann for the evening mechatronics class. Heh. We talked for quite some time but I didn't wanna hold him any longer and suggest that he should go home and rest cos it was already ten! And he lives in the east side, for gdness' sake. But thank god for the bike, I didn't have to feel so guilty. But I guess, after last night, we wouldn't be meeting up again so soon, because each of us has to prepare for our exams, which will take place around the same time - end of August. He obviously needs more preparation time than I do, since he has to work and all. And I need to save up though, cos his birthday is on the 31st of July. Safi's birthday falls on the same day, so I'm gonna be so damn broke. Ha ha. Damn.

Today Shaz Ducky Star will play @ Gashaus and I'm not going. I feel bad. It's probably the 3rd time I couldn't make it for her performance. But then again, sometimes I feel that it wouldn't really make any difference. So fuck it then. Who the hell performs on Thursday nights?

cmyk

2006-07-19T18:10:00.000+08:00

Ok I wanna thank Nouf and Kelly for helping me with my BCLS assessment. Really babes, thanks for giving a clear demonstration on the infant choking module. I appreciate your patience to explain it repeatedly to me. And also thanks to those who waited for me until I finish my assessment, being the last person, you guys are so sweet - Nouf, Kelly, Fiona, Samuel and I can't remember who else, but I know u guys waited for me.

I was dead exhausted, my back was hurting after the one-man CPR, because there was something wrong with the scoring machine and Mdm. Chua (whom I don't really know but she knows me DAMN well) made me repeat over again twice! Then the two-man CPR was worse, cos my partner and I were switching almost 3-4 times and she didn't let us stop! But I passed! Yay. I passed adult choking so easily because Mdm. Asmah (oh how I always tease her that she's BEAUtiful!) were distracted by the other lecturers there and she didn't really focus on me, so yeah. I know I did lousy a bit, but she kept telling Mdm. Chua that I'm good. I don't know but I think (of all other lecturers in that J block) she's the most compassionate towards me. I think all these people have read my report lah, not that it is a tragic one, but in fact, silly. Yeah, being someone who has been down and up from the module coordinators and nursing directors to even the school's examinations board, you really need kind lecturers. Wong JK as usual pissed the arse out of me, but she gave me a chance to recap with my friends, so that was when Nouf and Kelly came in to help. Yay! Haha. But I failed the damn baby CPR anyway. But at least Cynthia Hosey was quite nice about it and she even remembered about my back pain and told me to call it a day and come back on Thursday to straighten out my sequence. Ok, Cynthia H is nice and I'm trying to get back her impression on me, after my fall out with Ms. Ho Yim Fong, whom I will never forgive. That ordeal I had with Ho, was something I cannot forget. Cynthia was there and I knew she would like to back me up but it was too intense that Ho got the better of the situation and made me end up like how I am right now in school. I hope I don't see her in the upcoming Year 3 Emergency Medicine module. She's a known ER nurse expert, and if she takes me in Y3, I'm dead fucked.

And the back pain.... well, it resulted me in not coming to school this morning! I missed Sharon's tutorial. I know it would suck, especially after yesterday's vicious quarrel in class - Alvin, Zahara and another girl from the 04 batch versus Sharon and her 05 batch - which resulted with Alvin throwing out swearwords and kicking chairs. Uma and I was sorta horrified but we couldn't have applauded him more for making that Sharon bitch SHUT HER SMELLY YAP UP. Like, she is always the one making noise and finally we got to see her stunned and silent. And that bunch of 05 Oct cohort guys and girls - fucking rowdy and I wonder how Sharon got to the other side and disrespect us, the senior batch. And the whole fuck-yous was just about some stupid issue about ICA presentations. I had not seen Alvin THAT angry. Thank god Desmond wasn't there and that it didn't involve him, because that would spell a S-H-A-R-O-N-B-O-N-K-E-D, instead of Sharon Fung. Yeah, I couldn't give a damn if she calls me up and asked why I didn't come for tutorial... which was the ONLY time I'm absent for that module... I'd just say I'm sick... (of her guts..)!

Ooooh yeah. I was bored so I took a pic of myself in three different jacket/cardigan and matching shirts. LOL! I can't do without jackets. Or a striped shirt.

Fear and panic in the air
I want to be free
From desolation and despair
And I feel like everything I sow
Is being swept away
Well I refuse to let you go

Life will flash before my eyes
So scattered and lost
I want to touch the other side
And no-one thinks they are to blame
Why can't we see?
That when we bleed, we bleed the same

I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?

dep

2006-07-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

Moon asked. Again.

"So is it biological?"

I said I don't know.

"Can such thing be biological?"

She asked again.

"Do you believe in God? As in Allah?"

I don't wanna lie.

"I did and I want to. But now I can't cos I'm having.... doubts."

She went on again.

"Fuck, we shouldn't use our past as an excuse, right? What happened to our brains sial? Fucked up!"

"Ah huh. Yeah. All the stressors."

Wtf. I felt shit. Exp when Moon is now taking Cymbalta. I don't want her to end up like Traci.

baybeats

2006-07-16T11:05:00.000+08:00

Baybeats. Not bad a line up. So many sweaty people. I didn't manage to snap a lot of pictures, especially on Day 1, cos it wasn't my purpose of being there (purpose #1: music - accomplished. #2: meet mates - accomplished). Well anyhow, here you go, some snapshots. Weeeeee!

Me, Sharin Paparazzi & Shareen Quaisior Quack!

Flint, Harez, Me & Stevoe!

It's probably my 4th or 5th time watching Furniture. Favourite!

My mate Alvelyn & I

Me & Ron from Furniture (Alvelyn's bf!!) & my bro, Flint

Me and childhood friends, Aryanto in black (from Aegyptie), Asri and Asri's girl, Farha.

The Great Spy Experiment! Rock on, teachers!

Oh, and ONE thing. NEVER WEAR A BAND'S T-SHIRT TO A MUSIC FESTIVAL! I had seen 5 people wearing the SAME thing as I did. Should have stick to my striped shirts.

sick.

2006-07-11T13:08:00.000+08:00

I am down with fever and back pain. I am on MC. I won't be coming to school.

See you all tomorrow. ;)

tired

2006-07-10T18:53:00.000+08:00

I'm home. I'm gonna sleep soon. I've printed a semester worth of notes for 3 modules. My cashcard already ran out. Exams are coming. I don't think I'm debarred. Tomorrow is my BCLS assessment. I'm tired and I have back pain.

Awesome.

mental

2006-07-10T10:54:00.000+08:00

I think I'm going to be sick. I've been coughing from the moment I woke up this morning. Must be the ice cream and milk I had earlier. Even when I was sleeping, a sea of sms came rushing in, it drove me crazy for a while. From Yusry changing topics from hot Portuguese to the Matthew Bellamy evolution+revolution (yeah who needs weirdo boring whiteboys Radiohead when you've got a true virtuoso?), to Yazid getting excited about his Monday blues and the weather (which had been quite cruel to us lately), to a series of good mornings. Sweet but I was almost half dead on bed. I'm dead tired.

Mentally. I think it must've been yesterday when I went out with Denise in the evening. She came over to my place and got herself a nice haircut and wash at a salon nearby home and then we headed to West Coast AY Food Court for dinner. Obviously, I bumped into a lot of my jaded relatives there, and one of my cousins helped out in one of the stalls and she got me this nice hot mee soup. Denise had some western food. And we talked.

She talked about her whole battle with her feelings and that of the girl she fell for and I'm happy that the other girl had come to terms with her feelings and expressed her liking towards my sweet buddy here. I'm quite relieved because I know Denise had not been at ease for the past couple of weeks, and I've seen the girl anyway, she's from school, senior year and it was said that she got a little bit jealous when she saw me physically touching Denise and being very affectionate. It was my intention exactly - to see if there is any reaction. At first Denise was so conscious about the girl noticing it, but well, my gestures had led to a confession from both parties to each other. And Denise's liking towards her has got the return. Alright, it's gay stuff here, people, don't get judgmental or anything, but hell yeah, I learnt a lot of things from it. I mean, even my best friend for 16 years, who had a romatically successful relationship with a foreign guy and had to end it because of some Shiite vs Sunni indifferences, had already turned lesbian for some reasons she felt were valid. I was surprised, but wasn't exactly too shocked and accepted it wholeheartedly. It's the end of the world, everyone, so expect more gay stuff on planet.

We walked from West Coast to my block. It was a long nightwalk. A very heartfelt one. Denise shared everything she could share with me, and I felt very appreciated. I mean, if a friend chooses you to confide in, then you know you mean something to him/her. And I decided that, alright, let this be the night - I'll share something about myself to Denise too, because for a long time I know she expected me to open up - for one noble reason - to get to know me better so she can always be there for me and be buddies for life. I guess she had seen through me, in my eyes. For me, I choose certain people to open up to, not just anyone nice, but maturation level is very important to me to decide who is more likely to be receptive and who are the ones who are nothing but street preachers. So I finally sat down and talked about my coming to terms with my feelings and the big challenge of coming out of the darkness for so many years, which I had opted for, for the very reason that it had always been my comfort zone. How the past had shaped the way things are for me now - tragically, and my current 3-in-1 dilemma that almost lapsed me back into my anti-everyone mode, made me study my mind boggling issues as maturely as I can, and when you think rationally and correctly (or at least, ALMOST corretly), the decisions you make are the ones that will most likely NOT go in favour of you. I was the most honest person last night and it was a bravado move which I'm proud of, after those bits of denial, a series of masked smiles and that little bit of loose lies every now and then. You know you're the most vulnerable person on the planet when you have just ended a cyclonic long-running relationship with an undiagnosed schizophrenic, and then, just about a hundred and fifty days later you find yourself: (1) harbouring feelings for someone from your own sex species, (2) falling enormously for younger guy, and because those two situations sound so DAMN wrong to me I had to extract my heart and head out and put them on the weighing machine for some bitter reality check. Ok, no mentioning of names here. Though it's NOT my first time experimenting in bisexuality, but it is my first to actually DEAL with it. And, it's definitely my first time to go weak on a boy and it really does have a serious impact on my ego and my considerations and on how I evaluate myself as a person, as a young woman, and most importantly, as a growing human being with feelings. Both ways, it doesn't matter if I don't get what I really want in return. Hell, I'm comfortable with that. It's my immunity. Sigh. Everything's so wrong. Two wrongs make one right, they say, so I decided to block out these bizarre forces and battles of the inner self from taking control of me. Distractions, detour, directions. And as if this isn't complicated enough, (3) I went ahead with establishing a relationship with a guy 5 years my senior, because he is older and he is straight and that sounds RIGHT enough (sometimes you can't help it when a prince charming fell on your lap at this time). But after smashing heartbreaks and mental disorders, I am not hoping anything out of this one, for I am seeing it as a temporary distraction from my first 2 problems. It may not be as effective as the recommended distraction technique of studying extensively till your head drop off, because I'm not getting over a break up or a job loss here. When there is mind, money, heart, head, time, ego, hope and faith and all human frailities involved, even God isn't a convincing enough a word for you. I handled my first trauma attack by cutting off ties with the outside world and headed into a sanctuary of only the interrupted would understand, then followed by a two year spiritual engagement with god until everything failed me and everyone bloodly related to me thought I was witch-crafted. Beats me. Whatever happened, Ery, back there, back then? Good will come to those who wait. Oh hell yeah, it does. I've waited and then I wondered why I didn't get better. Then Denise said this, after a long silent. 'Don't let darkness take control of you.' I heard that before. Sometimes I question, is it I who take control of that darkness? So what is the issue here? Is it just a matter of the heart? Is it about being loveless and jaded? About hating men and trying my luck with women? Or both? Or hating older guys and converting to procuring younger ones? Is about my fluctuating study/career path? Or is about all that all-consuming empathy and sympathy my family spent tirelessly on me? Is it about having to swallow man-made inventions in the form of multi-colored tablets just to appear normal everyday? Now, what IS normal? Who sets the basis of what's normal and what's not? What determines that? So now, what's the issue here? My sickness, love, darkness, or is it simply about me being a hindrance to myself? And why the hell am I so compassionate, affectionate, compromising, submissive, tolerant, patient, accomodating and full of love when I'm actually unhappy, with a capital U? I am used to anything opposite of those. And since they are foreign to me, I have no qualms about giving it away to those who really need it. They do no charity to me, they give me only problems and paralysis. I would not say I don't need any of them (because I do need them to be WITH people), but I cannot imagine anything more complicated than being indebted to the darkness that had been my companion all these while, the one who actually kept me alive instead of killing me (like what it did to my dear friend Moon), and yes this sounds incredibly mental, call me insane as you like, but the darkside had been a true love. And at the end of the day, I feel that I am the REAL UNREAL.

I thought I could break a record of sharing my 10-year long madwoman experience without being sad. No matter how strong I want to believe I am, it was too overwhelming to bear and soon enough, I felt Denise's hand on my back and my face stoning wet. Is it worth it, I ask? Is it worth it, being this far? Denise asked me a question: Are you free this Saturday? And immediately I knew what she was asking of me. She is a Catholic and I have a huge respect for Catholics so if she ever meddles with the act of proselytizing, like most Christians love to do, I would be very disappointed. That was it. It blew me for a moment when she asked if I want to go to a church. I looked at her and I politely thanked her for the thoughtful invitation but, as much as I have had lost my hope and faith in what gave me a momentary solace for a while, I will never compromise it for anything else or anyone else for that matter. I am born to believe in what I am created to believe in, and if I have my doubts, it is a responsibility only I can take, and the conversation is between me and the one I have doubts in. I will never step into another place of worship, except maybe to only do photography, or to save a dead man in there. I may have lost my faith but I haven't really lost my soul. At least, besides the darkness, my soul is something I can stand by and not sell it for something else, be it in exchange for something that can solve my everything. She apologised profusely and I accepted it, I know she never meant it that way.

I would have cease to exist, like a couple of really good souls I knew, but I didn't choose that path, not because I am afraid, but I want to give something to people what I cannot seem to enjoy, and I will continue doing that until something finds me. That something that I might have probably been finding all this while but I just don't know about it. Besides, I still haven't gone to Cambodia and Ireland yet.

I don't care anymore who reads this and how it may affect them, cos being hurt or offended is nothing compared to being depersonalised. If you like what you read here, then learn from it. Follow the good and not what that is bad for you. If you don't like what you read, then, don't be ashamed that you can't do anything about it. I am a very nice person, I always tell everyone, but it is in a very different manner which you may not be comfortable with, if you know me. Only I can help myself. And sometimes I think there is nothing, but only poetry for what I have. Be the judge if you want. But, I am glad I have people like Denise, no matter how imperfect she may be, or anyone else for that matter. And I would be lying if these simple facets of life, doesn't at least open up that little door towards the light out there. So maybe I will be smiling the smile that I should, no solemn face beneath, one day. But don't hope for it. Don't wait. It will find you, if it is really worth it.

If it's really worth it.

german!

2006-07-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

Finally, Schweinsteiger gave me the love that I need. Sunday Lovely Sunday.

head vs heart

2006-07-08T19:53:00.000+08:00

Throughout the last couple of days, I've learnt a little bit more about myself, in terms of decision making. I'm proud of myself that, in that situation, I've weighed every options and consider every possibilities and consequences that can be derived from it. It's not easy to think with the head, and it is not easy when your decision is what your friends beg to differ.

On another note, we had fun on Friday. Denise, Sasi, Ashley, Jamie & I went out to town like madwomen. Quite an understatement there. As usual, we were a nuisance in the train. We went to Annex. Took hours to find Jamie's butterfly clip! Saw Michelle and a few of my classmates, whose names not worth mentioning. I'm not close to the Michelle clan anyway and it was Denise who called her. I knew she would respond happily, unlike the rest who were quite aloof. Big deal la. We couldn't find the damn clip so we went to Far East Plaza (I hate the place) and got tired so we chilled out at Gelare for a while and continued with the clip hunting. Finally Jamie found it @ Chameleon, of all places, and she left us to take a cab home while the four of us went over to the Nike shop @ Lido cos Sasi wanted to see this nigger guy she likes. Ha ha......

I slept the whole day today. I'm so tired and I haven't been studying. Shite. My BCLS assessment is on Tuesday! I'm just gonna do it despite my back condition. Suffer now than later. And I think I'm gonna flunk my 2035. This semester is just very BAD for me. Hur hur hur. I've been on the other side of the galaxy for way too long.

Hai hai. I'm so tired. Sometimes I don't know why I'm so tired. I'm gonna sleep early and wake up for soccer. Ta.

+protect me from what i want+
+even if it is love+

bloodtest

2006-07-05T14:56:00.000+08:00

I went to school anyway. It was a depressing train ride to school so I decided to catch up with sleep. I reached school just in time but after I scanned my attendance, I left. I went over to the locker to check which were my books that were in there but I spent 20 minutes trying to unlock it. I swear I had the combination right but it just didn't wanna open for me. So I sat at the J garden in my state of blue, pouring out matters of the heart to Big Molko over the phone. Desmond called and asked me to get him a Fish Fillet and then I joined him for the Bioscience lecture, which was damn boring. Thanks to Iska, who exchanged text messages about soccer, for making it less unbearable. After that, I had breakfast with Denise. This time it's just me and her sans Ashley and Sashi. Bio lab lesson was bloody. We pricked our fingers to do blood group testing. I wasn't satisfied with how mine turned out so I did it for the second time round and Daya got so disgusted by it. It wasn't that easy - squeezing your fingertips to get a nice drop of blood. Yum.

Sweet Heart. Ruddy Blood. Sweet Thy Blood.

For you I bleed myself dry.

germanlost

2006-07-05T06:00:00.000+08:00

I hate school.

In fact right now I don't feel like going to school. First, Germany lost at the very last minute. They did it with the Dutch ladies and they did it to my beloved vorprung durch techniks. I've no mood and the fact that there's an Azzuri fan in my house made it worse. Secondly, I'm tired. My back hurts. I know I'm forcing myself to do BCLS. I need to. Third, I hate the sight of certain people in school. Including my 04 cohort classmates. The ones close to me, especially. Funny thing, the response and how-are-yous I got from the not-so-close classmates were goddamn warmer than global warming. I didn't see any of them in school yesterday. I hung out mostly with Denise and the friends from the soon-to-graduate batch. And the lecturers sicken me. WJK really got on EVERY one's nerves. She's loudmouth, insensitive and downright senile. She really needs to shut her yap up. When she started singing The Beatles' 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' while running a score strip for Liyana's chest compressions, I knew that the best thing is to stay away from her. Senile. Yes, totally. And we've got our stethoscope too. I find that it is better than the ones in school, which are barely audible.

Sigh. I've been struggling to keep my cool in school and at home. I'm amazed at how I survived after each day of turmoil and too many questions in my head. About a lot of people and how I loathe them to bits.

When will it end?

bday.

2006-07-03T17:36:00.000+08:00

Birthday was OK. I've got wishes from friends, not many though, via e-cards and friendster, myspace and msn, sms and up close and personal wishes with presents. I checked for messages at my old number and, yes, I had a couple of them too. =) Sweetness.

Birthday presents (not much):
1. Jade (I LOVE JADES!) from big sis.
2. Germany World Cup Mascot Goleo soft toy from second sis.
3. Patrick from Spongebob PILLOW from little nephew.
4. Leather card holder from big nephew.
5. Gold chain from mom and dad.
6. S&K maroon jacket (with fur collar) from Safi.
7. Converse Germany bag from Denise.
8. Swensen's Firehouse ice-cream from Lyd and Sow.

The cutest has to be the Patrick pillow. I love that pink thing. Gawd. The weekend was alright, I love my dinner out with Denise especially, it was insane! She's such a darling. Too bad I'm straight cos if I'm gay, I would steal her away from everyone else.

School has started for my Year 3 friends. I could see a lot of them don't really give a shite about my existence. You know what? I don't give any shite either, and that makes me grow to like my PRESENT class. My Year 2 class. I saw Denise in school and she could see that in my face when I was sitting with Lyd, Sow and Haze and she (I could say deliberately) went over to give me a big huggie and a very cheerful and wide-smiled HEY and got so excited seeing me and became all solemn and muttered a normal HI to them. Sow gave a disgusted look - something like a oh-only-say-hi-to-her-la, you know that kinda fucked up nonsense I can't really tolerate - and earlier on she was quite sarcastic when she asked me, 'Oh, HOWS DENISE?' What the hell? YEAH she's FINE, you dumb**** - I felt like saying. Anyway when Lyd asked me if I'm waiting for them so that we could go home together, I was like NO. I mean, they finish class at 5 and mine's at 3. WHO WOULD WAIT? I'd rather wait for FLINT, even if he finishes at EIGHT or NINE, I'd rather wait to death for him, for goodness' sake! Why would I wait for THEM, now, come to THINK of it, I think I'm getting transparent. More transparent than Eileen and Jamie combined.

I think NYP Nursing is RETARDED. Especially those who come from Block J. Too many of them. Like Wong Jiek Kwee. I think she really knows me now, after that incident when I was not wearing my lanyard and I saw her walking towards me and before she could open her mouth to say the word LANYARD, I pulled mine out of the bag and swung it around and did a sort of left to right hypnotising swing about one metre away from her stupid face, and that caught her so so so by surprise that she couldn't find her tongue. And then this morning I BUMPED INTO HER AGAIN!! I hate her face sial. I finished my lab make-up class and I was walking out and she was walking along the corridor. And I was in my shirt and jacket and had the lanyard over the neck and she saw me and she went, 'WAH YOU STYLO MILO' and her voice was booming and at that moment I really hated her. I took what she said as some unsuccessful sarcasm-cum-appraisal. I couldn't help but to shoot her an are-you-crazy-or-disgusting look.

I hate school sometimes, and yeah Flint is right, the first people to shoot if you've got a gun are those in NYP. Let's shoot WJK!

Other than that, life is still the same. I'm with Love but Love isn't with me.

bday

2006-06-29T22:39:00.000+08:00

I didn't go to school today because I wasn't feeling well. I told myself the night before that I would come to school no matter what, even if I'm sick or sleepy or not motivated, I must not do anything else but come to school, and I don't know what happened to me but I just didn't wake up until someone called at around 10. I slept early last night, the moment I reached home after dinner with Denise. Besides, it wasn't a soccer night, but well, I just felt heavy and unwell until the next day.

Marissa woke me up and a very nice time, at the hour whereby it's not too late for school but there isn't time ample enough for me to dash there. She chatted with me for quite a while, informing me that she's transferred some cash again and then asked if I would like to work in her friend's company. And yes, my answer was obviously a straight no. Not that I don't trust her but I don't want to go through those stupid hiccups again. She was nice over the phone though, and we talked about other things besides money. That topic already gave a killer headache. Then I've got texts from Desmond and Sujan and I knew I missed the lab class. Well, I don't mind making up for the two hours, besides, I don't think I can get the letter from Dr. Thambiah by assessment day. Fuck it lah. No BCLS then no BCLS. If I'm certified fit, I can always take the licence. I knew I couldn't rush for the afternoon lectures because the moment I got up from my bed, I had this gush of blood to my head kinda feeling and everything was a mix of yellow and black and then I lay down again. Low sugar? Or that postural hypotension I occasionally experience? Christine called from her office and told me to go for lab make-up lessons next week on Monday. I think Desmond will be going for that too.

My mom brought me down to the goldsmith to buy a gold chain. I was extremely eclectic because it means that I've finally have something to hold that jade gold pendant of mine. Honestly, I'm no fan of goldwear.... gold jewelry and all. Really, I don't fancy those at all. But I love jade and since I lost my jade gold ring last night, at least the chain would replace the loss. My mom doesn't know about the loss though. Even though I bought that myself, she would still kill me. My mom and my eldest sis can really go weak when it comes to gold and stones. My mom and dad bought the chain for me, it's pretty, about almost 300 bucks and it's their birthday gift for me. He he he. Next year will be my last yr of receiving presents for birthday from my father. My dad made a promise that every year he will give his daughters birthday gifts until the age of 25. Then... it would be just wishes. He said we should be old enough to view birthdays as not just mere materialistic celebration. The best way to celebrate a birthday is to say your prayers and appreciate that God has given you a year more to live. That kinda old father's advice. Yeah.... My family don't really practise celebrating birthdays like.. booking chalets, dinner at restaurant, parties, treats..... that kinda stuff..... but we celebrate it at home, close-knit, my mom will cook and whole family gather at the dining table and everyone say doa or prayers, like thanksgiving, yeah my dad would do a long one.... and we'll sing a very ol-skool kinda Happy Birthday tune and cut the cake and eat the food. Open presents in front of everyone. Yeah. Very home and family oriented, but quite solemn sometimes, because we say prayers for our dead relatives as well, before we go ahead with the birthday prayers. I know I may not seem like the type but yeah, I'm a conservatist at heart. Or maybe, my family is. Sometimes I find it a bit way off but at times, I kinda like the way my family perceives things as simple as a birthday celebration.

Denise and I had a hearty dinner at MacDonalds and we played chess there till 8pm. Then we headed to the library where I recommended her a Tania Kindersley book, before the whole loss of ring incident happened. And to take my mind off the whole madness, we sat in between bicycles and we talked about something I don't really wanna talk about. She started off with, 'Eryan, will you ever leave me?' and that sentence killed me. I felt depressed. She's one of those people I never gave up on, no matter how imperfect they can be, and to hear her say that just breaks my heart. I want to promise but I don't dare. We talked about a lot of other morose stuff like being alone, loneliness, girlfriends, boyfriends, men, boys, companionship, children, adoption, abortion, old age, IMH, co-habitation, co-habitation vs prenuptial agreement, the recent talked about kahwin misyar in Islamic context, female talks, homosexuality, religion vs homosexuality, renting out room together, booking hotels to throw a party, and even about expiry dates.

'Eryan, what's your expiry date?'

I couldn't help but stared at the floor. I said, 'I've no expiry date'. Because there isn't such thing as that to me. In fact it's the first time I heard that thing. Sigh. As a human citizen of earth I felt like there's so much thing to do and explore instead of fucking someone and make babies the moment you reach your expiry date. We're so young. I haven't even reach a quarter century. There's so much of purpose in life. Such as searching for knowledge, travel and explore the world, or opening your minds to new cultures and finding the right religion. Beliefs. Whatever. And be good. I'm not anti-marriages or BGR, in fact I DID mention about cohabitation and companionship earlier on, didn't I? But I feel that you need to learn to love thyself before you love others. And that include fulfilling the individual goals in your life. No man is and island yes I know, but it doesn't HAVE to be THE priority. Maybe I just haven't got anyone who can accept me for who I am, accept me for the every scar on my skin, for the every hair on my body, for the everything that he/she sees..... Expiry date. Hell, it WAS funny.

Lydia and Miya asked me out to Bugis. We ate Swensen's and the firehouse birthday ice cream. Sort of an early birthday celebration for me. So sweet. They're both such cuteness. I wasn't really feeling alright.... Sick and melancholic. 'Why are you looking grave...?' Yeah I felt so worn out. Flint came, nice hair..... I cut my hair too, like I said, I cut my hair during depression so yeah, now I felt a little better la. He saw my chain and the pendant and his instant reaction was that it was so Chinese. Sowmiya sorta accidentally humiliated me in the train. As the train was crowded the 3 of us sat separately. Suddenly Sowmiya called my name out loud and as I couldn't see her, I rose up and said yes. Then she sorta pointed to the woman between Lyd and her with her eyes and I knew that she meant that the lady is going out and that I should sit with them. But the lady didn't barge cos it wasn't her stop yet and I guess Miya must have th ought that she was leaving. I was left standing there in front of my seat and waited. Then Miya shouted 'Sit down'. And at that moment, I was already clueless and almost everyone was looking at me. I sat down and I realised that there was this old lady in front of me that was carrying a little kid standing in fornt of me. Honest to GOD, I didn't see her and I think people thought that I stood up to give her a seat but I sat down again instead!! And when I did sit down, I looked at the ppl who stared at me, still clueless, until the guy who sat beside me decided to give up his seat and make me look like the bad one. I was already so embarrassed and Miya just laughed and apologised and people were still looking at us! So all I could do was to wait till that woman between Lyd and Miya left and then after that I sat with them and continue our journey home. Nice.

Now I'm, feeling sleepy. Pill reaction!

ring

2006-06-29T00:12:00.000+08:00

Ok. I want to blog but I just can't cos I'm so depressed and regretful as I have lost my gold ring. My gold ring I just bought - it has a heartshaped jade stone on it with diamond cuts around as border. Cost me almost 300 bucks. I just don't know what else to say. I was too sad to even breakdown and cry. I was like just rudely stunned by some dishonest Smeagle who took it (who wouldn't?) and mostly my OWN carelessness. Can someone kill me please?

twoliners

2006-06-28T12:02:00.000+08:00

Holidays over.
Thailand great.
Shopping madness.
Been sick.
Homesick lovesick.
School started.
Skipped lectures.
BCLS exempted.
Lunch out.
Dinner out.
Spend money.
Watch soccer.
Eat medicine.
Sleep late.
Awake late.
Colour hair.
Very lazy.
Never study.
Passed Bio.
Saturday birthday.
Boring life.
Lone ranger.
This love.

moon.

2006-06-19T23:27:00.000+08:00

Coffee.

Conversation with Moon on MSN 19/6/06:

10:25:38 PM mooony: i'm failing this semester.. sigh
10:25:56 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: hows the sessions with pdoc
10:26:01 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: are u changing docs
10:26:15 PM mooony: seriously considering..
10:26:38 PM mooony: he just got promoted to consultant.. too busy
10:26:45 PM mooony: no time for me
10:26:50 PM mooony: how frequent you see yours?
10:27:05 PM mooony: i'm thinking of either goin back to my old pdoc at Cgh too
10:29:48 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: well i see mine every fortnight... eventually like two mths ago it is every mth.. now its every 2 mths
10:30:38 PM mooony: because the medication is working?
10:30:48 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: i dont know... maybe cos ive got nothing to say to her everytime
10:30:52 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place ForMe: so i guess she thinks im ok
10:31:01 PM mooony: are u?
10:31:15 PM mooony: u ever got warded in ward 12?
10:31:25 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: yeah like... erm 4-5 times
10:31:51 PM mooony: on your own accord?
10:32:23 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: only one on my own accord
10:32:37 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: the rest are erm.... sorta suggested by the docs
10:33:03 PM mooony: how long you received treatment at nuh?
10:33:11 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: since 2001 i think
10:33:35 PM mooony: damn.. it's a tough journey man
10:33:48 PM mooony: i really feel like giving up
10:33:57 PM mooony: but i know better i should not
10:34:28 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: yeah i know
10:34:35 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: moon u have been hanging on
10:34:40 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: u can pull thru this time
10:35:21 PM mooony: i know i can
10:35:29 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: yes u can
10:35:44 PM mooony: but in the end it doesnt even matter
10:35:56 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: that sounds damn familiar
10:35:59 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: well... uve reached quite a journey
10:36:22 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: u would have quitted long ago
10:36:27 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: but not now
10:36:38 PM mooony: why are u hangin on?
10:38:02 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: i dont know
10:38:07 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: i dont know how to answer that
10:38:39 PM mooony: hope
10:38:42 PM mooony: hope i guess
10:39:37 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: maybe cos. i want to go to ireland? and i havent been there.
10:39:45 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: thats all i can think of now.
10:40:42 PM mooony: ireland?
10:40:49 PM mooony: ha ha
10:40:56 PM mooony: OoooKay
10:42:04 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: yeah. other than that...i dont know what im hanging on for
10:42:19 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: love? love that ive been looking for
10:42:21 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: ?
10:42:24 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: dont know, moon
10:43:39 PM mooony: i'm suicidal and i know very well i'm gonna be successful in my plan this time around
10:44:05 PM mooony: i know exactly why
10:44:10 PM mooony: i'm doing this
10:44:17 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: why
10:44:28 PM mooony: tired of living
10:44:57 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: honestly?
10:45:19 PM mooony: yeah.. drained out
10:45:24 PM mooony: exhaustion
10:46:49 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: moon, look at u. if u can smile like that ---> u can say no to ur plan
10:47:07 PM mooony: smile?
10:47:21 PM mooony: fake
10:47:25 PM mooony: pretense
10:47:36 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: u mean ure tired of living THIS life ure living? maybe u havent seen the other side of what life can give u
10:48:07 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: sometimes, it is pretense and the unreal that keep us alive
10:49:15 PM mooony: i'm tired..
10:49:20 PM mooony: talk to you again
10:49:23 PM mooony: gdnite
10:52:18 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: hey listen moon. i know ure tired of ppl saying these to u. im sorry. but if u give up, they win. the demons, the dreadfuls, the reality.... whatever... they win.
10:52:22 PM Oh How Can Heaven Hold A Place For Me: gdnite.

I have been going out with Denise this two weeks. Even today. Took some pictures.

Bro and I.

Yana's Engagement

Denise and I!

Pooh and Friends @ Centrepoint!

Denise in the mirror.

Denise Hysterical.

Climbing up the Gates.

Mango Frappucino!

Denise, you can't beat me.

I want to write more but I'm tired. I need to pack up. Heading to Thailand tomorrow evening. I will write about what I wanted to write, not now, but this coming Friday ok? I'll be back home by then.

soccer

2006-06-10T19:00:00.000+08:00

My second sister just bought a new Samsung telly with a Philips surround system and new DVD player. It was kinda crazy, yeah I think she's really crazy, cos at first she wanted to replace our spoilt Panasonic DVD, but she ended up buying one whole set like that, but she placed them in her bedroom. Ok, it made her room look BETTER. But still, I think mine looks cosier though. Anyways, she put it inside her room cos it's more conducive for the soccer season, cos from her room, we could get a lot of channels and we really value that because we don't have cable. We don't have cable TV because we really wanna keep our RTM 2. Yeah. So yeah, with that I can watch music DVDs with a booming surround. LOL. Awesome. It looks very simple... take a look at the pic above.... I took snapshots of just parts of it.

Yay! Finally Marissa transferred some cash into my account. But just a hundred bucks only la. I told her to put cos I need to pay off something by Monday. She even TOPPED UP my phone prepaid card during the transaction. Cool. And she's been keeping in regular contact with me. I don't need to like call her all the time, but instead she takes the initiative to call. I see a good sign here..... weee $6K..... *beams*... LOL.

GERMANY won!! Yeah! I've been a Germany team fan for like ages! When there were still people like Effenberg, Mahn, Sammer and then came Jeremies, Ziege, Bierhoff and Hamann... Eh please, before you brand me as some football bimbo (only drooling over hotties) I've been watching soccer since I was like 4 or 5 and the English Premiership League was like THE LEAGUE, you know. And my fave players are usually UGLY defenders. AND btw, German players aren't exactly HOTTIES compared to your blue Azzuris or those overrated green-yellow Samba dancers. Anyways the EPL - it's THE league for us Singaporeans, and not the S-League. EPL was our local league. Ha ha. Too bad lah. I even starved at one period of time during my teenage days for a close to a hundred dollars Tottenham Hotspurs jersey. It was so pretty. Spurs.. my fave... but funny thing is my fave player was David Batty from Newcastle Utd... funny right? And he's ugly, you know. Yeah.... and I watch yesterday's match...... Germany.... I missed the previous World Cups... it was so fantastical back then in those times..... not too many dramas but just as glorious. But yesterday's match... a little bit disappointing. Costa Rica's goals seemed too easy... what was wrong back in the defence.... sigh... and Juergen Klinsmann... he looks like Kevin Costner. Dashing. And Miroslav Klose.... he looked a bit like Matthew Bellamy and Fattah (!!!) at the same time. I think it's the hair and the face features.... Yeah FLINT if you're reading this.. DON'T SMIRK ok. I know you look like Christiano Ronaldo and Luis Figo combined.. but it doesn't mean I'm like hitting on Klose or Fattah for that matter, because as much as I'm loyal to you.... ha ha I'm loyal to Fabio Cannavaro as well. I hope you know who he is, Flint. Don't tell me you DON'T watch soccer. Weeeee. I'm gonna watch England vs. Paraguay tonight.... though I don't really give a damn about England. I love them in EPL, but not as a team. Yucks.

This is also to Dayanto. Daya, please take care of your health. Thoracic infection - sounds bad. Whatever it is.... if it bothers you too much, please go to the doctor no matter what k.... if you need anything, I'm here.... I think you should rest.. kau tahu kan clubs semua orang rokok... nanti kau tak tahan la. Aku worried Daya, nanti kau sakit dada. In the meantime, take care. No need to thank me for anything... cos I didn't do anything much. =)

quiz

2006-06-09T11:18:00.000+08:00

I got this from Shara....

.:6 YEARS AGO:.

`How old were you?:
> 18

`What grade are you in?:
> Secondary 4

`Where did you go to school?
> Nan Hua Secondary School (now Nan Hua High). Must emphasize. I'm a product of a phoney school.

`Where did you work?:
> I was studying for my GCE 'O', duh. But I worked a bit @ St. Joseph's Institution too, in their bookstore. Tasteless looking nerdy boys over there.

`Where did you live?:
> Clementi

`Where do you hang out?:
> The City (not Orchard okay)

`How was your hair style?:
> Collar length la. The school disallow anything longer than that.

`Did you wear braces?:
> No

`Did you wear glasses?:
> No

`Who was your best friend?:
> Priscilla Lee, some rich kid get driven to school in red Merc SLK whose God-Uncle is our school's VP, and her mom's a Raffles alumni. And she's probably the ONLY SANE person in that school besides me.

`Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend:
> No. I had none.

`Who was your celebrity crush?:
> I don't know. Paul Draper?

`Who was your school crush?:
> Some Chinese guy called Jeryl.

`How many tattoos did you have?:
> None la.

`how many piercings did you have?:
> Ear piercings.

`What was your favorite band?:
> Mansun la duh.

`What was your worst fear?:
> O Levels? More like, being surrounded by phoneys in that school.

`Had you smoked a cigarette yet?:
> Yes

`Had you gotten drunk or high yet?:
> No. I don't drink.

`Had you driven yet?:
> NO.

`Had you been to a real party yet?:
> Yeah. The phoneys throw parties in their bourgoisie homes sometimes.

`Had your heart been broken?:
> No. I wasn't into LOVE or anything like that. I wasn't interested.

.:LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW !!:.

`How old are you?:
> GOING 24.

`What grade are you in?:
> Year 3 Nursing Diploma student.

`Where do you go to school?:
> Nanyang Pornytechnic.

`Where do you live?:
> Clementi

`Where do you hang out?:
> The City. Always and forever.

`How is your hair style?:
> Short la. Same as last time. Wavier and messier and not exactly black. Haha!

`Do you have braces?:
> Nope.

`Do you wear glass?:
> Yes, for fashion or for reading. I'm a bit long-sighted.

`Who is your celebrity crush/s?:
> I'm not really crushing on any celebs now la. Only rockstars! Still Paul Draper... I'm very loyal.

`Who is your regular-person crush?:
> Don't know. A certain Cillian Murphy out there?

`How many tattoos do you have?:
> NO.

`How many piercings do you have?:
> Same.

`What is your favorite band/artist?:
> Mansun. Tori Amos. Cocteau Twins... A LOT la and it's still like what I listen to SIX years ago. Go see my Friendster, there's a whole list.

`What is your biggest fear?:
> Being lonely?

`Do you work:
> NO. I'm a skint and I live off my parents' savings. Horrible.

`Who is your bestfriend/s?:
> I have yet to figure that out.

`Have you smoked a cigarette yet?:
> YES.

`Have you gotten drunk or high yet?:
> NO.

`Have you been to a real party?:
> Yah la.

`Has your heart been broken?:
> YAH LAH SIX TIMES.

dress ruined

2006-06-09T10:14:00.000+08:00

Ok. My dad ruined my dress. Like REALLY RUINED! ARGH! Well, although I've to be grateful that he volunteered to like do the laundry for me, but the dress wasn't supposed to me machine-washed. And DANG! All the glam details on the dress were destroyed. I just wore it once or twice ONLY and the last time I wore it was when I went for the MTV Fashionably Loud event...... it was a simple sweet glam black dress. Bargh! But I didn't make a big deal out of it though, I mean, WHAT'S THE POINT? It sucked already and I can't make it like how it was anyway. I just chucked it aside and told my mom that she can go throw it. Or maybe get rid of the destroyed details and turn it into some really plain black dress and give it to someone. SOB.

Yay! I feel so free. I've finished with my Bioscience practical test. It was a bit on the difficult side, but I think I can do with most of the reproductive system questions, but the endocrine system questions were damn tricky. I've to admit I didn't study too hard on that part, and I can't really remember those hormones. Anyways, Teresa Tan told me that those endocrine questions give you a picture of what's gonna come out in the written exam. So if you girls reading this, please study hard, especially on the endocrine system for the semestral exam. But overall, I think I'm gonna pass the test but with LOW grades. I don't know. As for Sharon Fung's maternity class, she let us do without the ungraded presentation and instead focus on the ICA. Phew, thank god. Otherwise, I would still be busy today, which is the LAST day of school before the 2-week break commence. But I think I've to come back to school..... to complete the list of videos I need to watch for that motherfucker's module la. I just don't want to screw up any modules la this time.

My sister, my nephews and my cousin will be leaving for Hatyai tonight. 5 days. Big deal la. I mean, my sis, she didn't even tell anyone she planned this, but whatever la.... I don't care... I mean I'm not so hard up about all this holidays shite, but if she wants to be stuck up, then go ahead la for all we care. To me, as long as my nephews are happy, then everything else don't matter la. I love my nephews la, especially, my littlest one. On the other hand, I'll get to use the computer, hassle free, when these rascals are not around, so it'll be peaceful. And I can be a spoilt brat at home for these few days. Yay. I've also asked my cousin to go look out for some things there that I want him to buy for me. I bet my nephew Zarin and cousin Zali would be happy holidaying together cos they're both faggoty anyway. Gaybois. Modelling freaks, or rather, posing freaks. Oo yeh. They'll be leaving at 5pm so I won't be able to see that cos I'll be out with Denise later, after my class. I'm gonna eat my prawn mee and drop by Iska's store. I owe that guy ten bucks.

I hope the rain will never cease.

bryanchua

2006-06-06T18:15:00.000+08:00

School was OKAY today. Reached surprisingly early but had to wait for Desmond who reached school 8.05am. He had to join in for our Bio because he failed his supp paper. Well, at least he didn't have to WAIT for another semester to retake it. So that's quite a good news. Except that he'll sit for the practical test this Friday, not tomorrow with me and the rest of class. I was just revising through my bio in the lecture and it ended early so Desmond and I and Uma went out for a smoke and we met Sujan who didn't come for lecture and she waited for us to finish our smoke and went to tutorial together.

Dr. Bryan Chua took us for tutorial. He is a very nice guy. I know him because he is good friends with my doctor, Dr. Geraldine Goh, a psychiatrist in NUH - the doctor who treats me most of the time. I've been into his office to discuss some things before back then, but I think he's forgotten me. And Dr. Chua, he can sing. I mean really sing. Not ordinary songs, but stuff like 'The Sound Of Music'.... those theatrical and musical songs. Yeah, I swear to you! Once, he sang his diaphragm out and his voice boomed all over LTH-2, without even using a microphone. LOL. He has a very nice voice, both spoken and singing voice. And personally, he's cooler than psy lecturer IVAN LOH times ten! What's the big deal about him? He doesn't really give a damn about you, but he LOVES the 'hey-here's-the-sexiest-man-alive' attention from the nurseys. Look at that unshaven look he's now spotting. Makes me go 'urgh'. He didn't even CARE when we do our presentations, and I remember him yawning and playing with his PHONE while I was doing a SOLO presentation in front of him in the discussion room. Bluek. And you girls go GA GA over him? Please, you can EVEN gimme Dr. Au Kah Kay ANYTIME man.

Maternity class today was freaking ridiculous. Of course, da bitch was lecturing away and saying that there are smart babies and DUMB babies. What the fuck? Anyway, she called me when I was in the train home. Desmond was with me at that time, and before even answering the phone, I knew it was HER. Both our faces changed. And she didn't even say hello! She was like, 'Eryan, did you come today?' I was like, WHAT THE HELL? Of course I did. And then she went, 'Then you must be one of the latecomers.' Can you believe it? I clarified that I came together with Alvin and Desmond and Uma and she was not convinced so she asked me where I sat, so I told her that me and Uma sat behind the two boys. She was like ok, and asked me where Izuana was. The thing is, Izuana wasn't there BUT that Alvin went to SIGN her name, and so I just said, 'I think she came'. So Sharon said, 'But I never see her.' And I was like, in my heart, SO WHAT? You never SEE me anyway. I just diverted the subject by STRESSING that I came for the lesson WHICH I DID anyway, and she just said, 'Oh never mind, Izuana will be answerable for it, not you.' I felt like cussing at her. What you mean NOT ME? I'm not even INVOLVED in the first place. And then she just hung up like that. Bitch!

Desmond alighted at Dhoby Ghaut and I continued my journey to Raffles Place. I was quite relieved that there were NO TTSH nurseys board onto the cabin where I was. Then, when I was heading to the opposite train @ Raffles Place, I saw a glimpse of white figure waving at me. Oh god, it was Ivan Heng. He's from my batch but of a different lecture group but we know each other because firstly, he is in the same class as Jonathan Dass, whom I know from Appreciation of the Arts. Secondly, he is in TTSH attachments AND thirdly, he was also the FIRST non-classmate guy I know from Nursing (it's a brief romantic encounter but I don't feel like talking about it). ANYWAYS. Before I could even breathe, he came over and said hi and assumed that I've finished my attachments and having holidays now, and it happened so fast I couldn't even get to explain what was happening with me and all, so I just had to let out a 'yeah'. And I couldn't just like, change my mind and start all those well-actually-its-not-like-that yada yada so I just went like 'Yes yes I went to IMH and KK posting already but I was posted to Mt. Alvernia so yeah....' I was completely bullshitting but I felt safe saying that cos I HAD been to IMH before so I know how it looked like and all and I didn't go to KK for paediatrics posting but Mt. Alv instead so I just said I went there. So I had to change the subject and asked him about his CDC posting..... asked him to describe everything, and then he said he went to Tioman Island for holidays and I told him to tell me everything...... I rather have him TALK NON STOP than making me lie. Ha ha. Gawd. It was really DAMN stupid. I wanted to kick myself but you can't blame cos he came over too fast and spoke too soon and by the time I wanted to tell him the right thing, it would be awfully dumb. Gawd. And Ivan is very nice la, but I am so damn uncomfortable - the way he talked to me. I don't know if it's JUST ME or our sitting positions, his right leg kept like slipping into the back of my right leg and if it wasn't for the reflection of the train window, I think I wouldn't realise the whole restless thingy and my feet would end up on the right of his left shoe. It was damn awkward. He also had this lime green glasses which were cool and a crew haircut - because he just went for reservist last week. I was like, huh? Reservist? Then he told me he was from Juying Secondary before going to St. Andrew's JC after which he went for his NS. He asked me to guess his age so I said 22? And he said he's 23 and went like, 'yeah so old...' GAWD. Ok I hate it when people do that.. BECAUSE I'm 24!! For heaven's sake! I told him I'm 24 and so, in return, I had to tell my story... when I left Nan Hua, I went to do 'A' levels in a private institution not because the grades were poor but I wanted my own subject combinations and NO CCAs please. But I went off to study design instead and worked until I felt like it brings nothing to me. No job satisfaction. Big money but I ONLY get it after being under a lot of pressures from many sides, including time and brain. AND THAT AIN'T HEALTHY over time. And I was inspired to be a nurse (long story) and he was like fascinated by the story.... ha ha...... But all the while when we were talking, I didn't really look at his face much, and I felt rude though, but the thing is, when I speak to him and look at him, his eyes were fixed on me and I could also see that from the corner of my eye EVEN when I wasn't looking at him. Those kinda thing scares me a bit, especially, with people whom I'm not closely acquainted with.

LOL. I just hope he won't go ask Jonathan OR Jonathan better NOT mention about his lab module repeat and that I'm also in school and all...... Gargh! Shit! I wished I would just hush him up a bit earlier just now..... Ivan.... sigh sigh.

cab

2006-06-05T20:20:00.000+08:00

Fuck. I'm so broke. Worse, I had to pay for a cab to school because I was late for that damn tutorial. Took the train to AMK then ran down to grab a taxi and drove to Block H, ran and took the lift up and thank god my lecturer didn't say anything cos everyone else was doing discussions. It was boring and I don't know shit about Grave's Disease or whatever thyroid it was, I think I really need to go read up la. Stupid.

Yay, one more test to go and I'm free after Wednesday. So many people asking me out. Sujan asking me to go shopping, Irma to go eat out, Denise to go girl-date with me, Shareen and her Zouk flea market, Remy wants to meet up, and Marissa too, this Saturday. So many things to do, so many people to meet, no money at all. Driving me nuts. I don't think I'm going Mogwai gig either, for the obvious reason and the fact that I don't really 'feel' them anymore, unlike MBV. Also, I read from my class blog update that the orders for the medical equipment will be arriving soon so I need to pay for those. I need a job, but I don't wanna work. I'm dead lazy. I waste time and money. I don't have a maid but I don't do much things at home either. I think I'm the biggest time/space/money waster I've personally known. I may sound or look mature and independent, but to a certain extent I'm quite a pampered brat actually. I can be very wise and demanding at the same time. You know, that sorta oxymoronic thing? LOL. For those who really know me, I think they know what I'm talking about AND they love the BOTH sides of me. Ha ha..... dontcha? *winks* Ha ha. I think my bf will have a hard time. Ha ha. Bf?? WHAT bf???? HEHE. Yeah I guess that's why I'm single now, when people around me are getting engaged and married. Gawd, every month I'll get like an invitation card. I HATE IT. Especially when I've got no partner (I repeat, PARTNER) to go with. And I end up NOT going. Can you believe it? My ego. Sigh. I'm too broke and too crazy to get married and too a high-maintenance for even the MOST hyper and tolerant male around. Ouhwee!!!

Nice Girls Finish LassssT! And... nice girls should also go study Bio by Wednesday okay? So what are you staring at, my friend? Go study! Sorry, me a bit hyper, and this doesn't sound like my USUAL blog entries, so let me write something a bit brainless for once. HA!

sharonfung

2006-06-03T18:36:00.000+08:00

Yeah! Phew! This week is coming to an end. Clinical assessment and theory written test are finally done and over with! I'm left with Bio practical to study for; it's next Wednesday. Let me tell you something, Sharon F*** is probably the most arrogant lecturer I've ever encountered in SHS. She can make it to the top 10 SHS bitches' chart. She thinks her fucking Maternity module is the most important thing in the world and more important than our lives, I just felt like giving her some piece of mind sial. I just don't get her man! How could she just EFFORTLESSLY tell Desmond to drop his elective just to attend one hour of her tasteless tutorial? And told Alvin who HAD an excuse chit from NYP to do some performance that if he's not interested in the module she's fine with it? Or Izuana for the fact that she had a bio practical test next week and an hour of that clashes with her fucking labor module and she simply brushed Izuana off and shamelessly gave us that 'I-Dont-Give-Fuck-About-Your-Bio-Test' BECAUSE 'Im-THE-QUEEN'. Relaks sua. Kalau dah inhumane, aku tak tahu apa lagi nak cakap ah. Teachers who don't respect students they have just gotten to know, are just looking for enemies. Being strict and being menopausal are two very different things sial. Though I'm immuned to uncouth lecturers, but sorry to say this man, but regardless of age or status, respect goes both ways ARH.

Me & Stevoe

Flint Bro

Last night I went out to watch X3 with Flint & Steve. Was a little disappointed that Yusry couldn't make it. But it was still fun anyway. We stayed till after the credits and they showed a short scene that will lead to another installment of the film. I didn't come back home THAT late so my dad didn't say anything, but I know I smelt of smoke but I guess my mom KNOWS. I mean my dad knows I've been smoking for a long time, but he always tell me to stop because of health reasons (and the whole nurse-vs-smoking thing) He is a heavy smoker for over 20 years anyway, or more than that and after the whole myocardial infarction and IHD thing, he quit completely. But my MOM, she'll go crazy if one of us girls smoke. And I think she already sensed it when last week I had this nose bleed, with clots and lots of sticky bloody mucus and she simply said, 'Your nose is hot and you've been burning it'. I just shrugged it off. Then a few days later, there was some clever article in the newspaper about increased number of female smokers and she happily showed me the article and told me to read. But she wasn't like all MAD and bonkers about it, but I know she knows and I guess it was my dad who probably told her to just shut up. Har!

I've never slept for so long today. Wow.

melayu

2006-05-31T15:02:00.000+08:00

VERSUS

Hari ini, aku sangat letih sekali. Aku tidak tidur semalaman - ok, tak lah seteruk itu - tapi aku cuma dapat tidur tidak lebih dari dua jam sahaja pagi tadi, sebelum bergegas ke kampus untuk ujian modul klinikal. Oleh kerana aku tidak mengulangkaji modul pada lebih awal lagi, aku terpaksa menelaah habis-habisan dari petang semalam sehingga pagi tadi. Aku jenis manusia yang tak suka makan nasihat, lebih-lebih lagi kalau ada kena-mengena dengan sekolah - belajar pun, kes belajar pada minit terakhir. Tsk Tsk. Walaupun ujian tadi amat mudah, ada dua-tiga soalan yang aku ingat-ingat lupa. Tu lah, belajar lagi malam2. Tak caya, tanya Syidah. Dia pun tahu aku malam buta tak tidur-tidur. He he he. Tak 'kool' tau, kawan-kawan. Jangan amalkan. Tapi, fikir-fikir balik, sia-sia juga aku belajar macam gila. Keluar soalan, macam sial begitu. Ada ke dia tanya apa yang kita tahu tentang itu benda - 'ampoule'. Tak salah aku tu soalan nombor 25. Aku beritahu Lydia - terus tergelak habis si dia tu.

Cakap pasal Lydia... Hai... selepas itu, aku bergegas keluar dari sekolah untuk ke hospital. Aku ada temujanji dengan doktor pakar aku di NUH. Sakit apa? Peribadi, beb. No access to all areas. Hehe. Anyways. Oleh kerana aku dah biasa dengan waktu menunggu yang teramat menyiksakan - kadangkala selama satu jam! Justeru itu aku menelefon Lydia yang sedang bekerja-sambil-belajar di salah satu wad di situ. Kebetulan dia juga ingin pergi rehat dan makan tengahari. Apa lagi, aku memberitahu Kak Ros di kaunter yang aku nak pergi makan. Dia pun tak kisah sangat, "Pergilah, Yan. Lama lagi," ujarnya. Aku dan Lydia makan sambil berbual tentang kawan-kawan sedarjah kami, yang sebahagian besar bilangannya amat aku rindui. Aku pun menceritakan pengalaman pahit manis di sekolah, bersama kenalan yang baru, dan bagaimana aku merasa kesunyian yang teramat sangat sekali. Lebih-lebih lagi jika kamu mengenali hampir separuh daripada bangunan sekolah kejururawatan di kampus, dan hampir suku daripadanya mengenali dirimu dan tiba-tiba wajah-wajah yang seringkali mendampingi dirimu seolah-olah tidak wujud sama sekali dan kamu ketinggalan keseorangan. Menyertai kelas yang baru dan berkenalan dengan mereka adalah suatu yang mencabar tenaga psikologi diriku. Terpaksa aku memulakannya sekali lagi. Doktor ku mengingatkan supaya mengelakkan diri dari terjejas dengan situasi ini. Beliau menyarankan agar aku menerimanya dengan pemikiran yang terbuka dan positif. Beliau menekankan oleh kerana aku terpaksa menduduki satu lagi penggal, aku perlu melihatnya sebagai satu peluang untuk mempertingkatkan lagi kemahiran yang telah aku capai. Mungkin, dengan menduduki satu lagi penggal, aku akan lebih berkemampuan daripada rakan-rakanku yang telah mara sebelumku. Ha ha. Semoga benar lah tu. Aku dah lah macam acuh tak acuh, opportunis, dan selalu terlibat dalam masalah-masalah yang sangat membuang masa (seperti percanggahan diantara aku dan pensyarah). Hai itu pun, aku tak berbual banyak dengan doktor. Sebenarnya aku ada banyak yang hendak diceritakan kepadanya - masalah keborosan aku yang kadangkala tak boleh terkawal, sakit jiwa aku yang ada sikit 'angin' jugak terutama sekali beberapa minggu yang lepas (ah kalau kau orang tengok aku lain macam saja, anggaplah ia seperti tiada apa2 yang telah berlaku), dan ada juga depresi yang bersangkut-paut dengan sakit cinta aku yang agak sedikit tak masuk akal, tekanan di sekolah, dan masalah pengamatanku - tahap penangkapanku terhadap perjalanan perbualan dan penggenggaman objek. Aku masih menghadapi kesan sampingan harian yang seringkali menyebabkan tanganku menggeletar. Aku telah bercadang untuk membincangkan masalah tersebut dengannya tetapi, aku tidak mengerti mengapa aku hanya mampu berdiam diri sahaja di bilik rawatan. Akhirnya aku tak mencapai apa objektif selain daripada 'MC' dan sekeping kertas preskripsi ubatan yang bernilai hampir TIGA RATUS dolar. Hai. Dengan tu duit, aku boleh beli pemain MP3, jenama 'Sony Walkman' yang boleh memuatkan hingga 6 gigabait berupa fail-fail muzik, sedangkan sepuluh gigabait pun belum tentu mencukupi buat koleksiku. Hai. Ubat itu penting, tapi kalau dah bertahun berkeadaan begini, aku rasa macam aku buang duit dalam longkang.

Bagaimanapun, aku terpaksa terima hakikat ini. Sewaktu perjalanan meninggalkan NUH, aku terdengar orang memanggilku. Aku berpaling dan amat gembira sekali apabila jururawat staf kanan, Mary, dihadapanku, bersama kerani wad (hai aku lupa namanya). Mereka hampir tidak mengenali diriku, kerana, menurut Mary, "You look a lot better," dan kerani itu pula bertanya samada aku telah mengubah stail rambut. Aku hanya mampu mengukir senyuman. Mary Mary quite contrary.... Aku amat terhutang budi dengan Mary, kerana beliaulah, aku bersemangat untuk meneruskan apa yang ku inginkan, dan kerana Mary juga lah berputiknya minat terhadap karier ini.

Setibanya di Clementi, aku singgah ke bank untuk menyelesaikan masalah kehilangan kad ATM. Sepatutnya ia diselesaikan minggu lepas, tetapi aku asyik menangguhkannya. Sewaktu transaksi, aku mempunyai masalah tentang tandatanganku sendiri yang aku boleh lupa! Tetapi akhirnya, kad baruku siap dan aku juga mendaftarkan untuk mendapatkan kad khas ATM GO! dan juga meninjau beberapa jenis pelan insurans. Sebaik sahaja Marissa memulangkan wang sebanyak enam ribu dolar yang dihutangnya daripada aku hujung Julai ini, aku bercadang untuk menyertai satu pelan insurans. Biarlah aku fikirkannya dahulu. Hai, ibuku masih belum memberi duitku lima puluh dolar yang dipegangnya minggu lalu. Aku bercadang untuk membeli tiket konsert Mogwai yang akan mula dijual Jun ini. Konsert itu akan diadakan Ogos ini. Yay. Insya Allah. Kalau tak, aku minta adik aku belanja lah, amacam?? Aku tahu kau tengah membaca tulisanku ini. Ha ha. Relaks ok, 'no pressures'. Mogwai rules!

Sudahlah. Aku semakin mengantuk. Penat tau! Dari hujung minggu lepas, layankan Denise dan Lydia... dan juga adik kesayangku sewaktu persembahan bersama kugirannya dua hari berturut-turut. Rezeki seperti melimpah kerana selepas persembahan di karnival derma darah itu, mereka bertiga mendapat undangan untuk membuat persembahan di beberapa tempat, termasuk pusat membeli belah dan kampus kampus politeknik, dan juga undangan temubual di salah satu stesen radio pelajar kalau tak silap aku lah, tapi tak ingat namanya (see, I've got this memory/attention span problem because of those shite colourful beads I've to consume - o.n.). Tetapi aku lebih berharap mereka bertiga dapat bermain di kelab-kelab malam, walaupun mereka pernah beberapa kali membuat persembahan di tempat tersebut. Gas Haus? Home Club? MOS indie nights? Cafe Cosmo? Hideout Bar? Atau deretan di Jiak Kim St ke. Baru best.

Cakap pasal kelab, aku tak sabar nak pergi chill dengan Daya dan Sujan cuti nanti. Haha kalau kau baca, Daya, aku tak sabar siol. Gerek pomfuanzzzz!

Maaflah kalau anda rasa ganjil membaca dalam Bahasa Melayu. Korang mestilah menikmati setiap detik keMelayuanku ini, kerana jarang sekali korang jumpa aku berbicara seperti ini. Maklum lah, aku lebih senang berbicara dalam bahasa penjajah, dan aku pun bukan Melayu tulen. I hope that serves as an answer to some of you people's punya soalan. (Ye, nenek moyang aku - mother's maternal side adalah dari golongan Melayu + India + Inggeris dan motherku punya paternal side Melayu + India + Indonesian all in all, it's just a complicated mix - Pan Asian lah senang cakap regardless of whatever your definition of it; hai sayangnya aku tak lawa - muka minah Melayu mana jer - tapi aku bersyukur, asalkan muka tak cacat sudah - betul tak?). SO macam mana banyak ke sedikit ke darah kolonial aku ni pun, Melayu tetap Melayu juga kan? Mesti hormat Bahasa Ibunda. Kekekeke. Kalau kita tak menjunjung budaya kita, sekurang-kurangnya, kita masih memegang bahasanya. =) Dan kepada yang tidak memahami sepatah perkataan di sini, harap ampun lah - saya tak ada penterjemah. Sila datang lain waktu lah. And also, kauorang kalau baca blog aku kena membiasakan diri dengan tanda-tanda tutup (brackets lah in other words, duh), kerana aku banyak menggunakan stail sebegini dalam warkah-warkahku. Anyways. Korang-korang yang boleh faham ni, apa lagi? Dah habis baca kan? Jangan tunggu lagi, pergilah baca blog kawan-kawan kita yang lain, ye? Banyak gosip, banyak aksi, banyak pelajaran yang boleh direnungkan sejenak. Cheh, macam orang tua aku berbual. LOL.

Baiklah, aku pun dah penat. Selamat tidor! Dan selamat berjaya kepada kawan-kawan ku yang akan menghadapi ujian kemahiran klinikal esok pagi! Assalamualaikum!

blood11

2006-05-28T13:01:00.000+08:00

My brother & I

Hellooooo friends and lovers!

Yesterday was awesome. My brother Flint performed with his band Bismuth @ West Mall (I just can't get over why THAT PLACE?). Anyways, it was great. I arrived late because I underestimated the time and by the time I stepped out of Bukit Batok MRT station, they were covering that stupid Incubus song, which was the 3rd song, so I missed the opening MI theme and Stripper Viar. Fuckers, couldn't you just wait?? THANK GOD I didn't MISS Mirror, Mirror, or I'd probably gonna snap your G-string and wedge you with it, baby. Haha. Veron was there, duh, obviously, and she going 'Go Baby!' to Stevoe was just hilarious. I don't know why but those two birds just cackle me up. Gene wasn't there but he'll be performing today. We saw his parents there anyway and his mom looked young. Ckris was ok. I think he's kinda playful but well, I love Bismuth a lot. They blew me away with Soldier Bee.

The Young Ones

After Bismuth, the Stellar Nova quintet played and I was sort of bored at first but they started of with that 4 Non Blondes number so I guess they weren't that bad after all. And OH GOD, the bassist is IAN. My first Valentine! Weee heee. I was shocked and gawd, he's changed..... he grew bigger horizontally, too much drinking and eating and merrying around perhaps? Ha ha. Yeah the last time I actually saw him was in 1999 when he dated me on Valentine's Day. Gawd I remembered the BLUE ROSE he gave me. He was so cute and slim and I really wanted him to be my boyfriend at that time, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Awww. And I remember he sent me a birthday card with a Mansun montage on it which I thought was one of the coolest thing someone had done for me. LOL. And gawd, he now plays in Stellar Nova with a big cool blue bass guitar. So awesome. The fact that he recognize me instantly when I approached him killed me there! Ha ha. Thank god I've got my camera. We talked a bit and I didn't know he grew up to be full of lame jokes!

Stellar Nova. Ian with his blue Bass.

Ian & I: Reunion! Haha Macam Real.

Then I left my bro and his friends to meet up with my abang Yusry and Iska to go watch the Da Vinci Code. Because I was late, Paul Bettany whipped himself the moment we stepped into the theatre. Ok I know Iska would probably kill me because he was still buying popcorns. But I assured him, and Wendy, that we didn't miss ANYTHING MUCH cos that was how the book started anyway. LOL. The movie was not as great as the book, but it was entertaining for me. I've got no mood and time and patience to discuss about the Holy Grail so there are only 3 things stuck in my head after the movie:

1. Movies are movies. Books are books. Whatever beliefs are all up to the individual. Nothing should influence me in any aspect.
2. Ron Howards is uber fucking brilliant.
3. Why is Tom Hanks so SELEKEH, sloppy and disgusting?

After the movie we had supper at Burger King and I left for home with Wendy. I just got to know her, cos she's a schoolmate of Yusry and Iska and one other guy who came with us, that Chinese guy I forgot his name. I'm bad at remembering Chinese names. Anyways, Wendy talks a lot. Which is quite a good thing. Haha. I hate being stuck in a train with a new friend who keeps silent. I could die because that kinda thing gives me panic attacks.

Iska, Me & Yusry @ BK Cineleisure.

Well, enjoy those pictures above, yeah!

babes

2006-05-26T12:16:00.000+08:00

I'm well now but I don't mean to make you hungry though.

I've recuperated from that depressing week and three days of being ill and I'm back here, wanting to write something, but not exactly sure of what to write.

Ok firstly, fucking fuck babi sial, I cannot donate blood. Okay I know I can't but I thought I wanna give it a shot, since my school is having the blood donation drive. So when the doctor saw my form, he noted that I'm taking medications. I can't lie cos I can be fined for this. It's a life and death kinda thing. So I told him I'm on daily medications, and I asked if I can still donate blood. Then he said no, and told me to come back to donate once I'm off the medication. I was disappointed so I asked him, what if I will have to be on the medication forever. His reply was simple - then you can't donate blood forever. Fine. Before I left, he told me that if anyone asked, tell them I've low blood pressure. Yah right, like they'd believe cos I was so enthusiastic about donating it. My fark ass lah. Anyway Sujan and Hidayah was surprised that I couldn't donate and I didn't join them obviously. Sujan kept asking me why, and she thought I might have scary problems. Ha ha. Like what? AIDS? Nah, though really, I would love to find out if I have AIDS or not, for some weird reason, but well, I can't donate blood cos everyday my blood contains 800mg of Epilim, 20mg of Paroxetine, and 50mg of Quetiapine Fumarate. So too bad. Fuck. Fuck.

And someone sent me a message at My Space and he said something that goes like this, "Aku tahu kamu menawan, tapi kenapa tidak ditonjol-tonjolkan?". My first reaction was, Apa ni? Macam sial. So i replied, "Untuk apa mesti ditonjolkan?" and he replied - "Untuk semua dosa-dosa di dunia ini. Jumpa kamu di neraka." If THAT doesn't freak you out, I don't know what else does. I mean, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? Fucking dickhead. But I admit it did send a chill down my spine.

Anyway I met Irma after school yesterday to eat out. We went to this new Nasi Lemak outlet @ Tiong Bahru Plaza. Was heaven. Especially with the homemade chilled drinks and the chicken popiah. Barf Barf. I'm gonna have a bigger tummy. Fuck. Going out with Irma is pretty much the usual stuff. Eat, update about our miserable lives, reality checks and window shopping. We found out that we both had drained out our Progress Package, after buying clothes, make up and other unnessary neccessities and for me I've gotten another MP3 player and then I shared with Dad to get a video cam for the family and well, other than that, I've been wasting it. Anyways, Irma will be performing a dance show @ Kallang and asked me if I can come this Saturday, but well, it was a last minute request and my brother's gig is a bigger priority so I told her I can't and besides, it's gonna be the same performance she did @ Eunos. So she didn't really mind if I skipped this one. I also bought Lydia's birthday present. Her birthday was on Wednesday but she's having attachment and all and I'm so down and up with school but I got her a present anyway - a pen. Not a stupid Pilot ball point pen, you morons. It cost me a bit, you know, that fountain pen, and it's got a really nice silver casing and I've got it all wrapped in pink. Will be giving it to her on Monday.

School has been treating me a lot better. I think my new class is alright. The people, they're colorful but they're all nice to me and there are a few of them with whom I could gel well.

When I first joined the class, there were so many things I could comment on, but those are all based on first impressions and I rather not say anything than being wrong. I hate being wrong, especially when it comes to reading people, because most of the time I am right, it's just that I keep it to myself. I may not be good with secrets, or keeping them, and I can openly converse about many things, but it's different when it comes to my thoughts on people. But it's all for me to know. What I've revealed about what I think about someone (to anyone, for instance), is enormously superficial, while the deep and profane scrutinizings are only for me.

It's got to do with what Marissa said about me. But one thing she couldn't explain - getting it wrong with boyfriends. I guess every good thing comes with its own shortcoming.

You know what I'm talking about? No? Forget it.

I'm quite pissed with a lot of people. Especially someone. I don't like people who are insensitive towards the feelings for others but gets sensitive when you say something about him/her. It just fucked me up. I've a close friend like that, and the thing with good friends is that, sometimes, you take that as an excuse to say whatever the fuck you wanna, because she/he 'would probably won't mind', or 'immuned' and whatever the equivalent shite, to the expense of your feelings.

For instance, I was eating with her (let's call her P - for peacock) and she was telling me that she's looking for a travel mate, to Europe or something and she wants someone who can compromise. I don't know what's her definition of compromise so I asked her, and she said she wants someone who can make do with anything - i.e. flexible and accomodating. And I thought to myself, well I'm flexible AND accomodating, but I'm not really compromising because unlike her, I've limited budget that sorta thing and I won't be a good travel mate. But I asked her anyway, "Am I compromising?" She said no, so I asked why. And the reasons she gave me just pissed me off. She said that I wouldn't follow her to musicals and would probably be the type of person who won't give a damn if we go to art museums cos I would just walk past a painting without appreciating it.

Then I realised that she doesn't know me, after all these years.

Why it pissed me off anyway?

1. She's forgotten (sadly) that I was an art student who studied in two art schools and had worked in design field before, and SHAMELESSLY assumed that I would just walk past a painting without even looking at it. I felt like telling her that if I stop by a painting, she'd probably pee in her pants.
2. Which means I've seen (and felt) more art than she ever did and I could very well do a better job in decoding MC Escher or Vasarely, if she's even HEARD of them. And oh, I need to remind her that Leornado Da Vinci and the overrated sellout Mona Lisa isn't exactly the biggest deal on Earth. Releks sua.
3. I may not appreciate musicals, but it goes both ways anyway - she doesn't appreciate local gigs or mainstream movies, so that doesn't make her any better. And the claim to 'only watch festival films or foreign movies' is pure phoney elitist statement. Having watched Amelie doesn't make you some Cannes or Sundance bitch, the same way West Side Story and Peter Pan make you 'cultured'. My FARK.
4. Oh yeah, surprisingly for someone who 'doesn't miss ANY musicals, she doesn't know about local production musicals, or who's Alfian Sa'at or a single worth-the-money-and-thoughts play. She probably doesn't know how to go to Fort Canning Arts Centre, The Necessary Stage, or DBS Artshouse or even the MICA (previously known as MITA) building. It's funny for someone who's mainstream and a sucker for box office western musicals, she boasts about international films. Hur Hur Hur. Puhleaze.
5. Don't use the word 'culture' on me. It's so damn foreign to me, like taboo. Do some mirror mirror on the wall thing before you use heavy words like that okay? You'd just make me go tsk tsk. It's like, don't use the word 'professionalism' or 'be professional' because it's so sensitive that it might just backfires YOU.
6. Readers, if you picture a Life Science Honours graduate who works in Biopolis, giving her unsupported thoughts (and lecture) on ART and ARTS to a former art student and a graphic artist cum namecard designer who writes poetry and used to work in a media company @ the 30th floor of a CBD building, and she tells the artist that she feels like an art critic and that the artist probably walk part Mona Lisa without even looking at it, does it make sense?
7. Life is full of phoney people. Shameless phoney people. Phoney people who talk their way out to fit in. If you think you are one, then welcome to my sad social circle. It's uber brilliant!

Just because I'm not a varsity darling, or NUS or NTU product, nor have I travelled all over Europe, doesn't mean I'm stupid. So all you Singapore Ivy League graduates who've got a lot to say, please shut your yap up and discuss your issues among YOURselves. Stop bothering me, I've got lives to save. No time to NATO about 'profound' issues or comparing artistic superiority or searching for How Cultured Are You quizzes online. You can intimidate me with all your knowledge in the world, but if you wanna try outwit me with what's not your expertise, then let me politely suggest to you that you should fuck off and go see a librarian cos you need her help. Bah!

Enough of my proud good friend. On a lighter note, I finally got to track Marissa! Yes, the bitch who OWES me SIX THOUSAND dollars. Yeah the same one I've mentioned above. We're gonna meet this Monday. According to her, she wants to request for an installment plan. So I've written up a black and white agreement slip for her to sign and I'm gonna ask her for her IC and everything else required, so that she cannot run away from me. You'll never know when you're with these kinda people. I'm bringing two people as witnesses. She hasn't paid me my six grand since 2002. Otherwise, I would have a great life like any other loaded people out there, but instead I got miserable. You have no idea. Yeah so if the agreement goes well and if I didn't get anything from her, then there's always the police, the lawyer and the court. My 3 good friends.

VALIUM & GANG

Next topic. Valium. Oooh how I love those guys. I finally went to their gig after so many 'cant-make-its'. In fact I went for both of their gigs at Home Club & Gas Haus consecutively. I must admit I enjoyed the one @ Home Club more than the other one, cos maybe Home was so cosy and that I got to talk to almost all of the Valium friends and being asked to be the photographer for the night was pretty delightful after all, though I couldn't really enjoy much. Thank god Dyosa took over when they played Idiot Box. Wow. That song blew me away. Prior to that, all of us had a gathering at the coffeshop for drinks and introduction. We had Barons and Heineken, with Barons over at our table - me, Ery and his cousin plus a friend, as well as Yat and Zul. Ery (oh don't ask about the similar names we have) chatted a lot with me, and we found out we were from the same school and all. He's a bit phoney but I like Zul, I think he's the most friendly of the group, followed by Ery, who is more of a smooth talker (a very bad one though, cos he's pretty obvious in doing it) than a friendly person. But I still love them all. Az is of course, pretty and exfoilated as usual, he didn't talk to me much cos he's a bit on the drunk side. And gawd these guys, during performance they were all on the verge of falling off the stage anytime. I don't feel like talking about other bands that played on those two days, especially Great Spy Experiment, but I definitely will be looking forward to the next Valium gig, and of course, familiar faces. Owwwwwww! Rock on!

VALIUM @ GAS HAUS

Speaking of gigs. My brother will be performing this weekend in a charity event. It's a 2-day slot. Weeeee! Will be looking forward to watch him. Denise will be coming also, yeah! That woman, she never stops getting depressed. LOL. Kudos to Bismuth and I so love my brother.

Wow this is long and I'm tired and I'm gonna study now, babes.

post

2006-05-05T11:35:00.000+08:00

Good morning.

I'm supposed to be in school right now. Bioscience lecture. But I'm at home now having mini chocolate muffins and apricot tea and typing this. It's horrible, isn't it? I mean, me? I'm horrible. I guess I can do away with it - the 1 hr lecture. Besides, I'm going to my evening lab class later at 6pm. So I guess it isn't that horrible after all. I mean, going for classes when u're sick. Meanwhile, I'm still horrible.

I've recuperated from last night's insanity. Throughout the whole morning, my mom and dad took turns to call me from the market while I was still in bed, asking if I'm going to school and if I'm alright. It saddens you, when your folks get disturbed by your horrible antics.

I feel like studying now, but I'm going to lie down for a while.

depression2

2006-05-04T19:47:00.000+08:00

Dinner sucked. Big time. I just cried. And suddenly, I was swearing and cursing and cussing at the table. I started calling names, with 'SIAL' as suffixes. I don't know why. Really. I was horribly insane at the dining table, mom to my right, dad to my left and my nephew opposite me. Then I just kept on crying and in the end I couldn't take it, I gave half the portion of my food to mom and left.

I am so depressed. In fact, I'm VERY depressed. I don't know if I'm able to make it to school tomorrow. But I have to. My name is already up and registered and I would need MCs for my absence. And I've taken one for today. I'm scared to cry in school.

I hate EVERYTHING & EVERYONE. Yes, maybe, including you too. So if you bear with me, would it be worth it?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

Listening to My Bloody Valentine's 'When You Sleep'..

When I look at you

Oh, I dont know what I feel
Once in a while
And you make me laugh
And I'll sleep tomorrow
And it won't be long
Once in a while
Then you take me down
When you walk away
When you say I do
Oh, but I don't believe in you
I can't forget it
No...oooh
When you sleep tomorrow
And it won't be long
Once in a while
When you make me smile ................

Damn. I can't smile now....

2006-05-04T15:50:00.000+08:00

Stop the character assassination. Address the real issues.

Sign the Petition in Support of James Gomez

It's funny, the way they came up with that 'First World' terminology. Wtf.

depression

2006-05-04T00:52:00.000+08:00

1: pale and sick but trying to pose sideview.

2: sepia print to hide those 'i-am-tired' look.

3: well at least i tried to smile.

4: really trying very hard to amuse myself for Lydia who is taking the pic.

5: just bored, waiting for Maya to give us the bill.

its my WORST week for April/May. i guess theres a lot of truth when cocteau twins get all undecipherable and claimed that April and May are dark months. and david schelzel thinks April is cruel and that May have too many winds. sucks.

im so very exhausted. i think my face tells it. my eyes, oh gawd, they really revealed that secret (that im very, very exhausted).

i didnt go to school yesterday. wasnt feeling all too well. i felt like puking in my bed. but i had to meet up with Lydia and ive promised her we'll go check out woodbridge hospital for our posting. we took a bus from AMK to get there, and it wasnt really that far, but i hated the walking. we bumped into Hla Hla, who was a nurse in my PSY ward and COINCIDENTALLY switched to ward 61 at NUH where Lydia was attached to the previous time, so BOTH of us know her, and i was surprised at the coincidence, wtf. Hla Hla remembered me as 'the girl in the corner', cos when i was admitted, i got the corner end bed so yeah, funny that she remembered me that way. i couldnt be bothered to find out why the hell she was there anyway. then after locating wheres 32A and all (and experiencing weird stares and funny gestures by the inpatients there) we quickly left the place, cos firstly, Lydia's hungry and freaked out, and secondly, the whole place depressed me.

yeah we went to bugis to eat but after going round and round, we realised that fish and co is undergoing some renovation and i was feeling so fucked up. lydia was feeling fucked up. so we headed to the glasshouse at park mall to eat instead. and it was even more fucked up i almost cried there because first, Maya sat us at this two seater. second, well, i dont even wanna talk about it but i write it down anyway. then after the food was served, i suddenly felt some kinda DEJA VU and damn i remembered that it was the same fucking place i sat with Ian the last time we went there to eat. so i felt fuck shit a bit, not because i miss him but because it made me think of him for a while so i got angry a bit i almost cried. then i felt so odd because for some funny reason i was thinking that one more chair is missing (though it was a two seater for me and lydia) and it reminded me of the day i celebrated some events with lydia and cillian over a meal there. then just at the very right moment lydia mentioned his name and went like ''its always the 3 of us bla bla'' for a while then i didnt say anything cos firstly, the boy couldnt make it for some good reasons, for goodness' sake, would you stop whining about it? i mean, i almost got quite impatient when we were at IMH cos she kept asking me to sms cillian if he's coming. and secondly, i didnt really WANNA hear the rest of it (whats shes whining about) and so i just got depressed suddenly. tell me, when ure eating in such a lovely ambience and they play acoustic songs like:

- leaving on a jet plane
- time after time
- high and dry

and some 80's and early 90's ballads, and ure sitting at the exact place where u used to sit with ur ridiculous ex, then at the same time ure missing someone badly, and when youve been a lousy company for your pretty and nice and happy and trying-to-not-to-puke-food-out friend in front of you, and things have been SHIT AND FUCKED UP AND DEPRESSING AND LONELY AND IM ALL MOCKED AND NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND BOTHERED AND DISTURBED for the past 3 days, tell me, WHO DOESNT get all downright depressed? i felt like changing places to the tables outside so i can smoke, or just let lydia eat the whole pan. chris kept messaging lydia every now and then so she was quite engrossed with the phone, so i fiddled with my phone as well, and for a while we stopped eating and just smsing. i smsed a few ppl to keep me OKAY for that mmt, like irma and my second sis and my new classmate, sujan.. to keep me occupied and entertained and take me away from nauseating thoughts. and lydia had this idea in her head that whenever i am sms-ing, it means im sms-ing to cillian. i think she kept asking me about cillian like a million times today i swear it almost broke me down to tears. im not frustrated nor am i getting sick of it, but it makes it look like ive got NO fucking life. really. so i lied to her face that i wasnt smsing cillian, which is sort of true bcos he wasnt the ONLY person i was smsing to and it was not really true either, cos i DID sms him. yeah i used to get a kick out of the whole thing (the whole bluff thing and THOSE assumptions) but i think it is beginning to depress me each day. and im so terrified its gonna be bad. and then i'll snap and become crazy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i talked about it and my best friend of SIXTEEN years gave her thoughts:

"if whatever that makes someone happy, and when that person is happy, it makes you happy, EVEN if it doesnt do anything for you except making you happy... and you know that you will not get anything else (you want) from the person, except that it makes you happy, it is not worth it because you will feel happy BUT discontented, so break away from the person, even if the decision (breaking away) makes you unhappy."

but it WILL make the other person unhappy. it wouldnt be fair, i thought. the whole thing is HORRIBLE. its mean. and i will be the meanest person on earth. ...."it freaks me out....."

then she said something which she ALWAYS says to me:

"well, girl, you gotta think of yourself sometimes."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and i just couldnt help crying over it. it was so bad that i think it upset my nephew a bit, cos he wanted me to help with his homework but i couldnt cos i tried and i kept reading and rereading the sentences like ten times i still couldnt make out what the fuck is the paper saying and then i remember the next thing that happened- i just sobbed all of a sudden and he got a shock but captured the idea already then became all quiet and did the homework himself and left the room, probably with that "what was that?" bubble speech in his head, it depressed me so much. it doesnt really help when ure sick at the same time. and it really DOESNT help when im feeling VERY EXACT feelings i have everytime before i end up being admitted to the hospital, which is quite alarming cos i dont wanna like break down mentally and emotionally COS i really have got LOADS of school work to do. oh gawd. yes Eryan, you Miss All-too-nice-and-smart-lovey-but-quite-Stupid-actually, you know why its ALWAYS wrong for you every time?

cos you gotta think of yourself sometimes.

i got me spinning. my temperature rose up and i feel so heaty and freezing and sad and tired all at the same time so i sent a message to my class representative, telling her that i'll be on MC and wont be coming to class later. then, Shareen was online and i felt bad cos i havent been actively responsive to all her msn messages so i told her a bit about my depression phases and seasons and she asked me, "when ure depressed, what things can make you happy?" my first answer was 'happiness', but what the fuck an answer is that so instead i told her: lying all day in bed. and THATS what im gonna do now. and for the rest of tomorrow (i mean, later).

"... it freaks me out..."

"well, girl, you gotta think of yourself sometimes."

well. goodnight.... (if its worth saying it) ....

neighbour

2006-04-22T14:19:00.000+08:00

I didnt go to school yesterday. since its just a one hour lecture in the morning and the fact that my name isnt registered yet for the new modules, i decided to skip that one. nisa wanted to meet up anyway so i thought its best to forgo that lecture. at least ive some time to hang around at home before going out.

i knew nisa from my bioscience contract classes under the faggot doctor. we hated him. well, to be exact, his teaching methods. i flunked while nisa got kicked out. but lets not go down to the fucking details. nisa decided to take up A levels as a private candidate and since ive like about ten math and general paper books in total, which were collecting dust, i thought its good to give all that to her. the reason why i kept them for so long is to wait for someone who might need them. at least she can save up on books.

we decided to meet at bugis starbucks cos my mate iska works there and i was in the mood for earl grey and iska gave us discounts. nisa and i ate and drink and smoke and talk. and ive been chain smoking for the past few days and thats what we did yesterday and we talked about a lot of stuff. nisa is an intelligent girl for her age and i liked what we talked about and we shared some certain things about us and all and i came to understand what went wrong for her that she ended up the way she did and all. we talked about our faggot lecturer for a while and i told her the ways of getting through the A levels, though im not exactly good. we hung out there for about 2 hours and headed to the central library to check out some reference books on shariah laws. dont ask why, but i was helping nisa to find out something.

on the way home, i saw my neighbour in the train. he was sitting opposite me, not directly, but a couple of seats away from the opposite of me. he saw me then looked away. we dont know each other personally, but we do know that we live a floor away from each other. he stays upstairs at level 5 and i would sometimes see him washing his bike or waiting for the lift. those occasional instances, you know. i know he was from my previous neighbourhood, one of those faces you see every now and then and i believe he is probably one or two years older than i am. we never smiled. we just know that we exist. thats it. ok anyways, ive already seen him earlier when i wanted to go meet nisa. i came out of the lift and he went in, with his friend. and when i saw him in the train last night, he was wearing the same thing i saw in the afternoon. i dont fucking know where the hell he was from but anyway, i was looking at him without him noticing, and i know this is strange but i felt that something was wrong. like... he looked disturbed and very exhausted and for a moment i have this strong feeling of sorry for him. he is not exactly attractive but he does have a face that make you wanna look at him more than once, and im saying this not because he is my neighbour but even if i dont know him, i would still look at him anyway. he does have this tensed up expression on his face that reminds me of oed and i know this sounds crazy but at that VERY moment, i wanna absorb whatever that bothered him and take them all away and make him smile. i dont know. i was crazy but perhaps its because of the fact that he never smiles. he looked up at me sometimes but blankly and then returned back to his thoughts and sometimes he would get restless in his seat and bury his face into his palms and hung on to that position for a while and then he would look up, but only to see who went in or out of the train. and then a man with a bloated belly came standing between us and until the train reached clementi, i was unable to see his face.

he alighted at clementi too, as expected and from the platform to the stairs down to the interchange, he was walking behind me. and though i didnt turn around or anything, images his face kept sticking in my head. and i didnt wanna to end up walking home the same way as he, so i took the other way. we didnt bump into each other when we got to our block so i was quite relieved. it would be awkward. but still, i couldnt get his face out of my head. i was alone waiting for the lift, and to my shocking surprise, i pressed '5' instead of '4' and i started to panic when the lift started to go up and i only realised it by then but was quick enough to press '4'. i dont know WHY i pressed '5'! it was crazy i know. but i was quite affected and disturbed by the train incident. the way he looked, in that disturbed, thinking mode. and i kept thinking about it that i couldnt sleep. it sounds crazy i know, and dont get it wrong, im not like falling in love with him whatsoever, thats so plain stupid and lustly but i was just so disturbed by it, by him. crazy ideas played in my head - like going up to him and asking whats wrong and all that. its weird and crazy. but yeah, i was thinking of him the whole night till i even dreamt of him but i couldnt remember what it was, but i know it was disturbing enough and im still thinking of him even now.

and i dont know his name.

bio

2006-04-19T14:02:00.000+08:00

sorry but im really in a cussing mood today. after spending an hour of break in the computer lab to type the previous entry. i headed to the physiology labs and looked for any crowd that might probably look like my NEW classmates. and i was halfway there when some weird thing made me wanna take out my pen. like, i dont know WHY the hell i wanna take out my pen for, and i almost didnt but i did anyway. so i dug for my pencil case and i was horrified for a while cos it wasnt in my bag. then i remembered i left it together with my bioscience manual under the computer desk. so i went back there, relieved to find that no one's at the desktop and took my stuff. it was stupid, really. i mean a lot of stupid things happened today. like this morning, i was supposed to have lecture at LTJ-2 and i was quite early and all and i went to LTJ-1 instead and everything was dark, no one's there and i panicked for a while. and then i went up to the third floor cos the top of the lecture hall is up there and found no one outside the doors until i had the sense to take out my timetable and realised that its LTJ-2 not 1. and when i was scanning my card at the door, it didnt time me in and i went ballistic again and was puzzled as to why the other phonies can tap their card but i cant. and i realised i was tapping my stupid ezlink card instead. gawd, they look alike - the matric card and the ezlink. they do, i swear. thats like the stupid things that happened today.

then back to the bioscience lab lesson. yeah when i found out that the room i was supposed to go to was EMPTY and there werent any of those phonies, i decided to check out the other rooms. there wasnt any sign of the faggot doctor and i thought i would find out the classroom when i see my classmates. but the problem is, i DONT KNOW my classmates and i havent seen any of them so that wouldnt help either. after walking up and down the corridors and smiling at the cleaner aunties, who were basically the only ones moving around up and down the corridor, for a few minutes, i was about to like start cursing when dr. param suddenly came out from one of the doors and at that moment, being indian and all, he somehow looked so glowy and white like a saviour godsent and all, and i told myself, yes he's gonna save me from my lost and confusion. and i asked him if hes seen dr. au or any classes thats taking the goddamn module. and he looked at me surprisingly, and said that there is no lab lessons for this week for all, cos it is e-learning. and gawd, like an idiot, i took out my manual and looked at the schedule. why DIDNT i check the damn schedule FIRST? i thanked him profusely and ran off. like seriously, i dont wanna hang around there any longer. i should have known. otherwise, i wouldnt have to like waste an hour (well, okay at least i gotta blog) and would have reached home by then.

while i was walking out, i saw someone waving at me and it was anne, my freak uncultured mentor. she is one weird (and crazy) lady, really, if you wanna know. anyway, she was going into the lift while asking me about results. and i was like thinking to myself, dont you KNOW that we all havent gotten our results yet. so i said no anyway and she was smiling a lot and i was like hey if you know something, tell me. and she entered the lift but i sorta pressed the button so the doors wont close and asked her about it again and she just smile and i totally hated that and i told her about me starting school with retainers and sophomores and she was like, oh really? i didnt know and all those kinda thing. i really hate that about HER. she doesnt know a lot of things. and she wasnt too interested to listen about me talking about the schooling thing and she was like smiling again. THAT smile and i was like, hey its the bioscience thingy, isnt it? i was hoping she would just leak it out to me that its an A. or B. doesnt matter. she just told me to wait and laughed and asked me to let her go up. i finally let go of the button. i walked to the bookshop first before leaving the school but there were TOO many losers inside and all i wanna get was a highlighter and probably a pen, so i scrapped the idea and went home.

and another stupid thing happened when i got home. i wanted to heat myself a pot of tea and when i put the kettle on that damn thing i dont know what u call it. yes the cooker or stove watever. and spent sometime searching for matches. and i actually went all the way to my room to get my lighter and when i finally got it and back at the kitchen, i forgot that i dont even need a match or lighter cos my cooker is those auto ones. and i couldnt figure out what was WRONG with me, but i just turn the knob on and woosh, the fire lit and then while waiting, i came here to write this.

first

2006-04-19T10:14:00.000+08:00

im in school now. supposed to have break but i dont feel like eating. im feeling so LOUSY and when youre feeling lousy and all, you dont even wanna eat, its depressing as hell, yeah im not kidding.

cut long story short, im supposed to start school on monday INSTEAD OF JULY, but fuck the whys and all other boring details because i dont feel like telling you. but anyways i reached school on time, great for a latecomer and double great for a first day. you know, 'fresh start' like what phoney cynthia ngian said as she began the lecture. and gawd, i never LIKED that lecture hall. LTJ. all lecture theatres in the J block have this funny smell when you go in, you just wanna get out, unless ure really attending some very important talk. otherwise, you wouldnt wanna be in there. not to STUDY especially. its got this flight of really steep stairs and you really need to be careful or you might just tumble down and when that happens, i swear to god it wont be a nice scene to watch. and the chairs have those attached desktop thingy, or what you call it, writing board, whatever the fuck it is, but its too damn small like some triangular sandwich, you could hardly place anything on. my manuals kept slipping and the seats - oh gawd the seats have clothmade cushion and some of them are pretty worn out. i hate to sit on things like that. i mean, i dont mean to sound so BOURGOISIE here but im in quite a tacky and well-off school and gawd, the LEAST they could do is to change the covers. its not like the ones in block K. you would really like the K block, i mean it. they dont have cushioned seats but theyre damn good. and i barely know no one there. and those gang of repeat students i was expecting werent there either so i had to scout for a good seat then i found one and sat alone until a group of girls came and looked at me as if ive taken up the entire row till theyve got nowhere to sit. but i was quite polite about it and since i was somewhere in the middle, i moved to the end SO THAT they can sit all together. i know how it feels to have ur seats taken up, though theyre not exactly ur seats cos they dont have ur names on it, but if u sit there regularly and your lecture mates know where you guys usually sit and then suddenly some sore loser came up and steal that comfort zone of yours away, you really WILL be tempted to sock him or her in the jaw.

cynthia ngian. i dont know what to say. shes just muttering to herself and i hate lecturers who speak slowly. i mean its not like slowly like teresa tan. i mean she speaks slowly but its clear cut. cynthia's slow is like, im sleepy and i dont really know my stuff but im gonna be slow and cool so you guys wont think im nervous kinda slow. and the fact that she's lecturing on upper respiratory tract disorders really depresses me because its my FAVE. i mean, i really love ANYTHING to do with lungs and respiratory disorders and you can say im the ineffective-airway-clearance nurse expert, but this morning asthma's topic really wanna made me cry. though ive done asthma and could still remember the pathophysiology by heart, cynthia made me forget all of it. i feel sorry for her though because she kept saying the mic or the computer or the screen or the system or technical shite gave problems, but all i could see is a lady who isnt really attractive right down at the floor of the hall, struggling to deliver the best she can. then somehow i suddenly felt like dying.

somewhere in between cynthia's asthma crap and teresa's uterus rattling, i went over to get my manuals. its my first day, remember? so i havent gotten the books yet. i thought im just gonna use lydia's books but you cant really trust the manuals because the stupid school keeps CHANGING it, format and all, topics and yada yada and then i found out that certain modules had their module codes change because of blah blah (i wasnt really interested when atoinette explained the reasons) so what i thought is that im gonna get fresh books and then still borrow lydia's manuals, seasoned with notes. well i got the books and returned to the lecture about uterus and two peeps from my batch, uma and alvin, were in there and we sat together and one joined later. so it wasnt that bad for the next hour. but those three hadnt gotten their books so it was kinda distracting cos theyre talking and uma asked me stuff and telling me about her attachment cock-ups but i was just looking straight at the screen and teresa tan and tried to get everything she said into my head at the same time, so i just nodded and muttered my usual 'oh' to the girl next to me. but i did get almost everything into my head though. the thing about me is that, i HATE it when ppl start talking to me the MOMENT i wanna listen to a very good teacher. we exchanged numbers though and found out that two of them are in group twelve the same class as desmond. and antoinette just couldnt get us both in the same class so ive to end up elsewhere. ive yet to know if there are retainers in there. i dont give a shit about the rest of the sophomores so called. im not supposed to be a sophomore by now, but i'll just bear with it for this one semester.

right now, like i said, im supposed to have break and i thought of having mcdonalds breakfast but i scraped the idea. im just a little NERVOUS because im gonna have this stupid fucking bio lab lesson later. two hours. with that faggot, according to the timetable. but some other teacher may take the class so i hope that happens. i havent really gotten over this something about him that denise told me last night, but well, i'll just go for his class, no matter how flitty or screwed up or twisted it might be.

then you know what? i'll tell you what im gonna do. im gonna fuck off home STRAIGHT.

bla

2006-04-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

WHAT ARE/WERE YOU DOING
==========================
Now: Staring at my latest piece of writing, chatting with Safi & listening to Mesh29.
2hours ago: Teaching math to my faggot nephew
6hours ago: Bitching about my eldest sister with my mother, father, nephew and my ELDER sis. (!!!)

==================
LAST THING(s) I...
==================
Bought: A black Polo tee.
Read: Newspaper, what else.
Watched on TV: I really don't know, probably some ads.
Watched on VCD: Can't recall.
Watched on DVD: Can't fucking recall.

======== PREFER.. =======
Club/house party: HOUSE PARTAY!
Cats/dogs: Cats
Gloves/mittens: GLOVES
Food/candy: FOOD, stupid fuck candies don't make you full.
Cassette/CD: CDS
Coke/Pepsi: PEPSI
Matches/lighter: Lighters.

=====================
WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
=====================
Kill: A LOT OF PPL. My eldest sister.
Hug: My brother.

=========== FAVORITE ===========
Color: Military Green
Shoes: VNC or SWANK
Song: Waiting For A Day by Mesh29
Vegetable: Those bite size, stems and roots, non-leafies.
Fruits: Wet, Juicy stuff.
Juice: Honeydew

======= Last... ======
Last movie you saw: Ultraviolet with Bro. I love Milla with her mouth open.
Last phone number you called: Don't know man. According to my mobile, it's Bro but I don't think I used any other phone last night, so yeah it's gotta be him.
Last song you heard: That Grey's Anatomy theme song by PSAPP
Last thing you had to drink: Lemon Tea
Last thing you ate: Instant noodles. I'm a sucker for those. In whatever form.
Last time you showered: This morning?
Last time you smiled: I don't know. I didn't smile today I think. I grinned a lot. Like Dave Grohl.
Last time time you laughed: Today? While bitching about bitch FIRST sis.
Last thing you said: To my littlest nephew, "Get your cars off my bed, NOW!"

========= DO YOU... =========
Sleep wif animal: No...
Believe there's life on other planet: No..
Believe a miracle: Yes
Believe in astrology: No and Yes
Believe in magic: There's no magic. Only miracles of the divinity and prophethood.
Wear hats: No, depends on my mood, I wear cap.
Have any tattoos: No
Hate yourself: Haha!!!! I think I'm in love with myself at the moment and I hate myself for that!
Like your handwriting: Yeah. It's fucking weird and different everytime.
Fashion: Believe in fashion? Not really cos I love yuppy outfits anyway, but then again I like pretty and flattering stuff once in a while.
Believe in witches: Yes
Walk in the rain: Sometimes
Sing in the shower: Not really, when I do that I'd start wasting water.
Miss someone: Don't know.

soho

2006-04-14T13:32:00.000+08:00

for someone who is having holidays at the moment, the week has been unexpectedly busy. i've been spending the days flipping through the papers and online classads for part-time job openings. im broke and i need money to pay for my stuff, yes, stuff. meaning: to satisfy my materialistic self. and plus, my latest medication cost about $220, you'd rather spend that on food. but no, i eat pills. also, i need to pay off some people. yes. people. flamboyant spenders like me, also have debts, ok? im human just like anyone else. and humans do owe other humans in one way or another, when you think of it.

besides looking for money, ive been helping out my events executive fren, marina to find resources. her company is organising some family day shite @ sentosa and ive to shortlist some professional photographer friends to take up the task of snapping photos of kids in action on that day. and now shes looking for coordinators for the event. and oh, theres the band valium. ive been asked to be in charge of their myspace website and be some profiler or PR girl, something like that. so im currently in the process of writing out their bio and stuff, to get a gig. things been good. networking networking networking.

ive been to the hospital for the past two consecutive days. first to see my shrink. then the next day ive to bring dad to see his cardiologist. lets talk about the shrink first. well. we didnt talk much, as usual. but then she was telling me that i should go to this stupid dr khare's bipolar program where they will focus on career management and all the blahs. she said that when i start to become a nurse, we need to talk about sleep and all that matters. she added that my 'calling' to become a nurse makes things even harder, considering its job nature and all those shift work and level of stress. she gave me two options. one is to DIY on the programme, where by she gave me a list of websites of journals and some american medical association shites and some freaking programme online OR attend dr khare's module for like 3 months and follow up with him. thing is, i DONT want to follow up with him. second, i dont no modules or shite whatever. its like fucking training session. and third, if its gonna cost me a fucking bomb, then fuck it. but the DIY thingy, well there'll be a most likely 99% chance that i wont do it. im not really disciplined enough. not consistent enough to like go thru online modules like that. especially things like this. reading words and following what they say. so yes i would consider both options, and think about that dr. khare's masterpiece plan and tell her what i want the next time i see her. oh yes, ive made friends with people at the pharmacy too. like ivonne for example. she knows my prescriptions by now and yeah we would talk a bit and all. and having worked in that stupid hospital before and being a patient there for years, i could say i know at least 70% of the people there. like i said in myspace, 'im the face you see in hospitals...' !!! some even know that my dad sees the people in Clinic H. goodness.

tomorrow affini is getting married. i dont know if oed's coming. if he does, and if he sees me, i really wouldnt know what to say.

oh yeah. ive just turned my room into some soho. nice place to chill now. i love it so much. its more spacious and neat.

come and sleep with me.

weird

2006-04-08T21:45:00.000+08:00

Everyday is both heartache and bliss. I don't know how is it for you, but that's everyday for me. Anyways. Today I did nothing but getting lazy in bed, reading Bret Easton Ellis' novel, "Less Than Zero" (it's the Catcher in the Rye for the MTV generation) and went through a series of short naps.

DEATH CAB IN A CUTIE covered 'Ballerina Out Of Control" by The Ocean Blue. Now, how's that!

Yusry asked in an SMS. "If you could steal one thing from me, what would it be?"

My reply: Your pretty shirt and that twinkle in your smile. Because you don't smile that often and when you do, there's that twinkling thing that I kinda like and I would want to have that since I don't get to see it often.

Yusry: I give you the twinkle smile. For me, I will take away all your unhappiness so that you can be happy always.

Isn't that sweet? I've never thought of that. Especially about myself. Now. If you could steal ONE thing from me, what would it be?

As usual, I've been listening to nothing but shoegaze, cos I don't feel like listening to anything else. I listen to Catherine Wheel's "Ferment" and Duress by Swervedriver umpteen times till I slept and woke up again and played that again and slept till my mom woke me up for dinner.

My dad and my eldest sis came back from my uncle's place in Indonesia and we watched some stuff from the videocam and I just got bored by the whole thang and then a weird thing happened. My second sis, who never talks to me, came to my room and threw a T-shirt on my bed and said, "Zack (her bf) couldn't fit into that, so you can have it."

It was a black tee with "Never Mind The Bollocks, Here Comes The Sex Pistols" on it.

meds

2006-04-08T13:50:00.000+08:00

Know what? Don't take me seriously. I forgot to take my meds last night.

shoe

2006-04-07T23:19:00.000+08:00

Well, what do you know? I've a friend who has something in common, finally! Barf! Last night I found my long lost twin sister, Ayin Quaisior, online. Yes, she does look a lot like me, except that she's fairer and I'm taller. Anyways. I found out she's into younger guys! Oh gawd. I also found out that her ex-boyfriend of 4 years was actually 4-5 years younger than her, which I thought was so cool! The best part is that she'll call me up if she's got any new pretty young boy. Ha ha! WHat a killer. That'll be so cool. I don't know really, but I have some kinda fondness towards little boys (preschoolers and schoolagers) but not in a sexual way, of course. You may want to call me a pedo if you like, but I know I'm not and you know very well that I'm not, even though I read Lewis Carroll. But, then again, I would really fancy doing a Mary Kay (she's hot but her toyboy's a retard) cos life is really boring and loveless. What I'm trying to say is that I love looking at those little things and don't get it wrong, I never want to manipulate or use them (a friend suspected me of doing so) but instead, these young boys make me happy, you know, happy. And lately, I'm beginning to get drawn to older YOUNG ones - teenage boys. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I can't seem to like midtwentysomethings anymore. And like Marina said to me, "For all you know, these young punks are more mature than you and the rest of them twenty plus of age are jebronees." It's true though there are nice twentysomethings out there but they're real cockheads once you get to the middle of the book. Well, I guess I've found my niche.

I went to Sakura with Lyd for lunch. Ate thirty bucks worth of food and then we met so many nursing mates whose faces we didn't really wanna see but we all smiled and said Hi anyway. Then we dropped by Wanderlust because I wanted to look for Asri but the girl at the counter said he wasn't working today so I wrote a note and left my number for him to call. He called me up last week and then we were cut off in the middle of conversation because my credits went low and I lost his number and he hasn't got my new number and Wanderlust's number wasn't really working so the only way to get him is to drop by the shop. I hope he calls me soon, so we can discuss shoegaze and talk about the old primary school days. Lyd and I just walk around town and chill out and chat over tea @ Coffee Bean and get all pukey with the almond biscotti and then we had a final round at Plaza before heading home.

My father said a funny thing. Me and my mom and my dad were talking about my sisters' partners and then my dad said something about their attitudes and turning the partners off with the way they speak but I couldn't give a damn about it and I just shrugged. Then he added something about, "Guys are not stupid, they are also wary of girls who have too much male friends. And poor little girls kept on hoping for something to happen." That freaked me out immediately because I felt it and just a couple of days ago, I had a dream that my dad advised me not to go out with musicians or have any guy who plays music as a boyfriend. There may not seem to be link here between the two, but there is, if you know me. Later I went up to my mom and told her that I want to be matchmade to a rich person and all she said was that I'm a lazy girl.

Meantime, I've been (besides being very unproductive) listening to a lot of shoegaze and the Ocean Blue and the Smiths and the Cure. Then I think about my dad and the dream and his words. I thought about being rich and my worldly fantasies. All these things made me think of someone, Oed, the one who showed me the sweetness of music through shoegaze and Ronne and Shields and Marr and Schelzel and Franklin but whatever it is, he will still my Bernard Sumner. At the same time shoegaze remind me of all these things, it also makes me forget everything else I know.

sad

2006-04-06T09:49:00.000+08:00

Random Question:
When you've got water stuck in your ear, how do you get it out?

I got that from the bottom of my blogger profile editing page. LOL.

Exams are finally over and I'm expecting to do better than the previous semester, though I know I did a lot better in the last semester than in the first year. I've got April to myself, since I don't have any postings this month, but I have no plans yet on how to spend the free time. One thing I know is that, I want to spend some time reading books and be lazy.

I still haven't talked to my elder sis yet, and know what? I don't give a fuck. Worse, now my schizophrenic aunt is staying with us for a month and evil gets into the ones at home who hate her and I'm just getting prepared for all hell breaks loose. I don't like her, but I don't exactly hate her, and in fact, the most important thing to me right now is myself.

I really want to get back my old self - the self that was never bold, never commanding, never crazy. But more importantly, I wanna get my life back. But not many people understand that, but I don't blame anyone. And I know there are people out there judging me and secretly hate my ego and self-absorption. There are two reasons for that. Either they are envious of the certain things I have in me (or with me) or, they are just beginning to get sick of my tactful arrogance. Sometimes, because of this, I'm beginning to fall in love with myself (my other self) even more. In a good way, it makes me wanna live well as a revenge, but well, I still want my old self back, no matter how much other people who have known me then, dislike it.

You don't have to understand all this, if you can't. I don't even know what I want until now, sometimes I still contemplate and compromise the things like what I wrote above, and it gets to me everyday. Every single day. I'm not sure of myself, let alone what I wanna do. Someone pointed out to me that it would be simpler if we don't have anything at all. Nothing at all.

What do I have I wonder? And amongst other things, I still can't believe that no matter what, I still could get away with a lot of things. It's not exactly the greatest feeling to have.

I've been sick for the past few days and been having sore throat. There's some infection and ulceration inside my mouth and I couldn't open my mouth wide. Or eat much and I've been sucking on lozenges and drinking water, hoping it will go away the next day. No doctors. I just don't feel like seeing one, because I can't keep track of when to eat the medicine (and all those before/after meal rules). Pretty shocking for someone who's gonna be a nurse, eh? I can't even keep up with my nightly medications, going to the doctor for something else is like an added burden. Pill-popping won't save my throat. Maybe I talked too much. Lied too much?

I thought about Ian all Tuesday. It was uncalled for, but I couldn't get him out. And I thought a lot about March, imagining what would happen the moment he answers the phone on March 1st next year. I wish I could tell him that I've finished my exams. I wanna tell him that I've cleaned my room and it looked squeaky clean, neat and all immaculate. I wanna tell him how much I got for my Progress Package. I wanna tell him that I've changed to a new phone. I wanna tell him that I missed grilled fish with black pepper sauce and that we should go out and have that for dinner, maybe at Capitol. I wanna tell him that I'm a fan of Desperate Housewives only after I started watching properly and religiously when the new season came on. I wanna tell him there was this nice shirt I saw at The Annex that suits him well. I wanna tell him that my nephew could read some new words. I wanna tell him everything.

But there's no one to tell everything to.

rivalry.

2006-03-23T12:04:00.000+08:00

sibling rivalry and inappropriate jealousy.

life is full of jealous boyfriends and sister. and friends - some of them, secretly.

after we go to sleep
our sun rise
i will make it the
truth of painfully
helping me cover up things
i wish i never had found
confident
tangled up in a nice life
put the spider in you
watching in
diregard
you live a nice life
with the spider in you
i saved myself
for someone somewhere's
sweet caress
something
goes wrong
and all i sought was happiness
and so
in right wing
fashion
we'll nurture xenophobia
and be strong
in right wing fashion
with paste and generosity
because no one is safe
from someone
somewhere's
sweet embrace
and so i have simply decided
to dislike
you now

maybe its gotta do with the creepy fact that i can get away with a lot of things. or anyone. i dont know. go figure.

my elder sister. she is sick. i mean, in the head. she is sick in the head. ive been hating her for a long time (i hate the eldest one too, but not as long as this) and i know that she hates me too. ok. ive a new phone and just the other day she came back home from work, saw me fiddling with it (we're not on talking terms) and assumed that my eldest sister bought it for me. then the next morning, she sent an sms to her questioning why everyone is nice to me and no one gives a damn about her. when i saw that message which my eldest sister showed to me, i didn't get angry or hurt. my immediate reaction was, "whatever". seriously, we're all way too old to play this game. she then defended herself that it's something she wanted to voice out for so long. she questioned why i get all the pity and sympathy and why she didn't the last time she was at my age etc.

seriously. don't you ever blame my present for your past. nor my past for your present. don't.

in fact, there are things about her that i'm also jealous about, materialistically speaking. other than that, she's one person, you hope to not turn into.

i don't particularly like any of my sisters. and there are more things i hate about them than to be jealous about, because in ANY cicumstances, i'm always in a no-win situation and even if i got away with things, i can never run away from guilt while these people had a lot more fun than i do, even if it seemed that tragedy struck upon them.

anyways.

yesterday, i had my bioscience paper which was a speedy breeze. considering i didn't REALLY study, and instead slept earlier and also in the train to school, it was quite something. i finished the paper in 80 mins and left the hall, with the feeling that the LEAST of the LEAST i would get is a B+. confident eh? ha ha. ive got A for practical so i neednt worry too much.

im only worried about my med-surg repeat whereby i got C+ for the fucking project. motherfuckers sabotaged our project by asking ridiculous questions after another. and my lecture attendance fell below 85% and i hope i can make it thru the written exam and clear that fucking piece of fuck.

which means, i'm gonna start REAL, AUTHENTIC, and 99.99% mugging by this Sunday.

in the train, on my way to NUH to get my prescriptions, i bumped into Mrs. Pereira, my primary school teacher who taught me in P4, which was about 14 years ago. she said she couldnt remember my name but remembered my face because i was one of the better students. and boldly, i said, "yes". ha ha! she's now retired and teaching her grandchildren. she still looked the same. maybe older, but she's already so old the last time i saw her.

then i bumped into Harry at J.East. he saw me and he looked at me in such a weird way. the kinda look that says, "why are you here?" or "shit, its her" or worse still, "ok i dont know you anymore." i was totally shock to see him, my heart jumped a bit, and then i felt like slapping his face. he's one arsehole, really. he BUYS friends. i mean, REALLY. he's the sort of person who doesnt mind paying you 400 bucks as long as you go out with him. ive never taken his money but i went out with him once as friends and he could be a nice friend but instead (because of some reasons), he's a complete turn off.

how would you sound like if you go tell someone that he/she can earn 400 bucks each month by just being his/her friend?

i would be disgusted. by myself.

anyhow.

fun facts. among the bullshites thats happening here this week:

1. save 10 litres of water per day / use 10 litres of water per day (EWR minister, stupid dunman high & the world water day)
2. Cinderella Bra in sg fashion week - another crazy invention by crazy Japanese (up next, crystal g string. ouch!)
3. whos paying the bill for CCTV in buses (us or govt?) / privacy (couples need to snuggle and fondle in buses, dont u get it?)

ha ha ha.

yes. today finally come. and im gonna dress up for tonight's fashion week + Placebo gig and have fun with my two brothers!

fuck everything else. lets go glam.

party

2006-03-19T11:08:00.000+08:00

On Friday after school, Miya invited us - me, Jamie, Mel and Lydia to her house to chill out. We decided that after such a tedious week of presentations and tests, an all-girls party would do great justice to us. Hazel couldn't make it because she had to leave for Malaysia to celebrate her grandmother's birthday, while Ivy had to take care of her sick father.

Before heading to her house, we shopped for some groceries. Jamie offered to make pancakes for dessert and I volunteered to cook noodles for all of us. We bought noodles, pancake flour, sausages, nuggets, Japanese chicken nuggets wrapped with seaweed, ice cream, chocolates, bottles of root beer and Kickapoo and Lays or Ruffles (I can't remember) chips!

When we reached her place, we put aside everything and went to Miya's room. The five of us sat facing one another and started sharing some family background. We talked about our siblings and parents and relatives and I realised everyone has their own fair share of conflicts as well as happiness. I learnt a lot of things about Mel, whom I seldom talk personal things to and I finally got to explain the real reasons why I have little liking towards young girls and why I prefer little boys and how it linked to my inadequate childhood. To clear misunderstandings. I learnt something about everyone there. We talked for about one hour or so and then started to cook.

It was very busy in the kitchen. Mel and Lydia started off by frying the finger food, and I boiled the noodles. Miya helped Jamie to mix the pancake flour with the eggs and water and everything else. Lydia was sort of the "floater", she walked here and there to help out. She helped me with the frying of the noodles and also helped Mel with the nuggets. Miya helped us in passing the utensils and getting for us the right pot and pans and everything else.

Lydia and I then set up the table. We decided to use Miya's collection of some pretty glassware and the table looked so elegant with proper plates and cutlery. Instead of glasses, we used teacups to drink! Life is too short not to live graciously. Background music was Gwen Stefani, which I stole from my nephew. Then we all sat and toast our drinks. For the hard work we did all week. For Hazel and Ivy who couldn't make it. And for all of us and the upcoming exams.

There were too much food to eat.

And then as we cleared the table after the meal, CLANG!, one of the plates dropped and thank god it wasn't one of those pretty ones and all of us helped Miya to clear those pieces. She swept and mopped and then everyone of us teased her, cos she was looking so so like a good housewife. How wicked!

Then we went back to the room and started to do some make over. I started off with myself, obviously, being the vainpot that I am. I decided to be crazy and I put on a mismatch combination of eye shadows and bright red blusher and made myself look theatrical and clown-like. Meanwhile, Miya tried to make Jamie (who had never really put on make up) pretty and voila! She really did look pretty. Prettier than her already pretty self. She's got this natural sweetness but the make up made her look outstanding. I helped groomed Lydia up, with fierce colors to make her look like she's gonna club and get horny. Then Miya helped Mel put on nail polish and I touched up on Jamie's lips. After we're done, those girls got obsessed with their long hair (and create that wind blown effect with the fan) and started to pose and take photos, both with my camera and their handphones. Then Mel did make up for Miya and I painted Lydia's nails and Jamie watched all the fun and took photos and recorded videos.

After that we put on Miya's Punjabi suits and I tried on this bright crimson red one and I fell in love with it but Miya didn't wanna lend that to me for one day. Sob! I think I looked great. Lydia put on a purple one which comes with the scarf. Then I took pictures of her in it too. Mel doesn't need any make up. She's already a beauty. I think everyone of us felt pretty on that night. HA HA HA! Gawd.

Mel had to leave early so we all ate pancake and ice cream together before she left, followed by the rest of us at half past ten. It was so fun, and Hazel was greatly missed!

We're definitely gonna have one of these again. =)

Mew

2006-03-17T12:08:00.000+08:00

She couldn't sleep well last night, despite the psychotropic candies she ate and the great time she had earlier in the day.

"I don't feel alright," she thought.

She spent the night watching the somewhat tranquil movements of the walls and ceiling in her bedroom. Meanwhile, random thoughts paid a visit to her brain box, and she recalled the things she said (to verious people) on that day.

"If only he's 25, but he's not."

"I'm actually one of the most vulnerable person you've ever come across, but at least, I can still say I'm strong, as compared to her."

"We are so fucked up."

"We are total idiots."

"I don't know if she could understand a word of it."

"I don't know if I'm in love, but I know I'm addicted and I don't wanna spoil it for him."

"You're excused."

"Even if I can go to the Uni, I won't. It's time to work."

"Life's too short to think of whether you should eat chicken skin or not."

"Why are you smiling?"

"No matter how old I am, he's always five years younger than me. So stop it."

"You and I are the most egoistic people on earth."

"Oh my god."

"They are so uptight."

"They are quite hypocritical."

"Falling in love is not in my priority. Not just yet."

"I don't give a damn."

"Fuck off shit."

"This reminds me of a time in school when I stormed out of class and locked myself in a toilet cubicle."

"Ok, I'm irritating."

"No. I'm not going back to him. I've a feeling March 2007 will not happen. And I don't know if I should be afraid of that."

"She's totally psychotic."

"Why are we always bickering with each other?"

"All maternity dresses are ugly!"

"I know your style."

"Of course I still think of him, but whenever that thought comes, I would force myself to think that he's not the one for me."

"I have a feeling I probably won't get married too. My sister is seeing someone and getting older but still unmarried because she doesn't want to, not because no one wants her. For me, I'm a totally different story. I have to find someone with a similar social background. I don't wanna ruin it for the undamaged goods. I'm screwed and I don't really wanna think about it."

"Not anymore."

"You're quite traditional, but I like unconventional stuff."

"No, don't get it wrong. I'm not making use of him and he's not making use of me. He's a very mature and responsible person because he grew up that way and he's one of my best friend."

"Yes, you're right. There's always the barbarian in us, no matter how old we are."

"She can't pick out those things in life and go about on how to learn from them."

"Whenever I'm with him, I've never felt happiness this pure, since a long time."

"I feel like I wanna absorb that youth, you know."

"I'll be your shoe consultant."

"What's her problem?"

"He always thinks he's that moral-I-don't-swear-I'm-a-good-Christian thing. Bullshit fuck."

"It feels so good to be with you both. I know there was one point in time. But. Well, let's just forget about that."

"I think she feels less stressed being with us, unlike with those uptight people."

"No. What's with YOU?"

"You have NO idea how much we ate."

"Sakuntala."

"The next thing I put into my mouth, I know I will vomit."

"We are SO bitchy."

"I don't know. I do, but I just can't."

"I have more respect for Catholics than Christians who think that being one is a ticket to heaven and the rest of us can burn in hell. Just fuck off from my face."

"I look so yuppy."

"We didn't do anything to her, so who the hell cares?"

"Don't make me blush."

"Why, my lips are dry."

"I can't wait for tomorrow. We'll have that all-girls thing and it will be perfect."

"Yeah, cos you're Malaysian."

"Pass these to your Chinese friends."

"I only look good in toilet mirrors. But in actual fact, I'm nothing close to that. I'm nothing."

"I think they spend every meeting thinking of doing something better than ours."

"It's okay, I'm already sweet enough."

"Maybe because she doesn't like that guy. Either that, or she wasn't happy that we caught her going out with him."

"My talking voice is already loud so I can't get louder."

"We should be competing with the group that dislike us, not the ones we have a bond with."

"We don't like each other but we're friendly. But them. We all are good friends, but why are they competitive?"

"He likes to talk his way out. I can't stand that. I think that's why he can manipulate that woman upstairs. That woman, she's not a cultured person."

"What's going on at home? Same old shit? What the fuck."

"Ok, everyone's not working now."

"It's either he say something clever, or not at all."

"Do I behave like that?"

"He's in my mind every single minute, just don't ask me why. I don't know, please."

"Yes, I've a double life and life outside school is something I'm struggling with."

* * * * *

She doesn't feel alright. Not last night especially.

personal dna

2006-03-13T15:33:00.000+08:00

PERSONAL DNA

ATTENTIVE INVENTOR

About You
You are an Inventor

Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.

You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.

The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you: youre not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.

Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.

Your vision allows you to identify whats missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.

Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.

It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.

Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and dont get caught up in specifics.

You tend to more proactive than reactive: you dont just wait for things to come to you.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

If you want to be different:
Try applying your creativity to more artistic arenas, and letting your imagination take less practical forms.

How You Relate to Others
You are Attentive

Because you like spending time with others, understand their feelings, and often know what is best for them, you are ATTENTIVE.

Some people are merely concerned about others, but you take action, helping people when you have the opportunity.

Although you care about others, you are hesitant to trust them to act in the best way on their own.

You dont let your concerns with people go unnoticed: if someone has hurt your feelings, that person will hear about it.

People energize and excite you - you love being in large groups and just having fun.

You also learn a lot about yourself by talking things out with others, even if you dont always share things that are important to you.

Although you are social by nature and are not hesitant to express yourself, you have a strong sense of right and wrong.

Understanding the dynamics of a situation is an important skill that you have, and you often intervene to clarify things for others.

If you want to be different:
You care about people, but finding the ones you can truly trust will allow you to get closer to them.

While you have strong opinions about what is right and wrong in the world, you risk coming across as judgmental - be sure to consider different perspectives when voicing your opinion.

Scale %

Confidence
Low44
Openness
Low 42
Extroversion
High 52
Empathy
High 56
Trust in others
Low 20
Agency
High 66
Masculinity
High 56
Femininity
High 56
Spontaneity
High 54
Attention to style
High 80
Authoritarianism
Low 44
Earthy/Imaginative
Earthy 52
Aesthetic/Functional
Functional+Aesthetic 50

meds

2006-03-10T23:49:00.000+08:00

A lot of things happened ever since the last entry. Most of them were unpleasant, but expected.

My beloved ex had been appearing on a few occasions via sms. But little things like that resulted us in some bickering and lashing of unpleasant words. I guess at the same time he wants me to detach from him, he was very bitter about my recent decision to have a year of break from each other. (Dont get me wrong; it is NOT a pause relationship - I dont believe in that.) I did what he wanted, and NOT what I wanted and Im not the one winning here, but sometimes he makes himself a sore loser, you know. Im sorry to say this, Ian, (if youre reading this - yeah I dare not underestimate your ability of tracking me down) but seriously, you have no idea. You have absolutely no idea what youve done onto me. I know it affects both ways. But. There is always the big but.

One year means that so many things can happen to either of us. I dont wanna make guesses here nor am I gonna vow (not anymore) that this or that wont happen. Its all childs play. And I just wanna get out of that maturation phase and be my own person.

I was walking past bookshelves in the library and somewhere in between those books, something just Pssst at me, and then it barked, "Are you a victim of love, sweetheart?" I turned, grabbed it and started to flip. The introduction got me. Right there.

Why would an intelligent woman stay with a man who abuses her? Why do so many competent single women seem to settle for men who appear to be so "beneath" them? These may all be examples of addictive relationships, driven by compulsive urge rather than sacrificial love. Are we merely inventing another excuse for another weakness - love addiction?

I felt a hard grip at my heart, said yes, and I borrowed it home. "Are You A Victim Of Love: How To Break The Cycle Of Bad Relationships". Yes, that vicious cycle, like youve said, Ian. The cyclone.

Im just as confused as you are. Contrary to your assumptions, I am not seeing anyone. I am not even sure if Im in the mood for love because right now, Ive no time. Yes, Ive been so stagnant. Everyone else around me are either falling out of love or getting themselves a shrink. Others and everything else - well, theyre just - not real. Ive had so many setbacks and so many heartbreaks that I got really strong and the next person who wants me has to be really sure that hes just as strong as I am. Then again, were two sad people, really.

Argh. Its so exhaustive.

Next. My fathers been depressed. Yes, its in the family. Weve got like 4 depressed members in the family. Its pretty dysfunctional for an orthodox household. And my mom. Yes my mother, again. Shes just - whatever. I aint gonna like input my home into here, but well, to cut things short, shes too fed up that when a friend offered a part-time job at her food shop, she took it right away. Some demonstration against us - whove been asking her for money a tad too much that she HAS to go find more for US and its also to show my father that she can be an authority too. These things make me puke you know. And it made my father even more depressed because it made him feel crippled. I mean, in one way or another, its good because my father has Ischemic Heart Disease, but it would definitely make mom even more big headed than ever. Im not making my mother sounds protagonist here but, shes petty. Its all petty stuff.

And I didnt even tell any of them that I got A for my Bio repeat paper for the obvious reasons. I mean, if you go home and someone says, "please don't ask anything," I dont think you would even want to look at her/him. For the time being, a lot of things are totally insignificant.

Hmm. How am I these days? Well, besides the daily melodrama, Ive been okay. Apart from having to entertain Jacks late night Kitty-when-will-I-meet-you-again calls, brooding over unsuccessful attempts at counseling a friend whos thinks shes gonna get Hep B and creating fantasies of setting Dr. Au straight, Ive been mugging a little here and there because exams are coming this end of month. But I do spare time for myself, going out girlfriends like Marina or Irma and my godbro Molko - my fave. As long as its away from home. I dont even mind school, which is getting more tasteless each day. Tammys porn made it worse. Hah. Yeah. Been eating a lot at home and play Grand Auto Theft on PS. And chess with nephews. Thats all. Nothing exhilarating like skydiving or bungee jumping. Overall, Im okay.

Ive been taking my meds, baby.

Sigh.

Im alone. Falling asleep. Trying my best not to forget.

munich

2006-02-24T01:28:00.000+08:00

Munich is a very good movie. It is approximately 3 hours, disturbing and the most though-provoking (may I also add sensitive here?) movies I've watched since such a long time.

I went to catch the movie with absolutely no knowledge of what it is about. The title gave me the idea that it is some WW2 movie. Cos Munich is like so BERLIN sounding and so Schindler's List. And Munich is also one of the places Hitler had lived in. You know, all those Third Reich and totalitarian stuff. I was like, YEAH WAR MOVIE!

Then as Molko and I walked past the film posters, I caught a glimpsed and was like, hey thats not a war movie. Its some Olympics thing. I didn't read anything on the poster but I was thinking it is about some murdered athlete.

But little did I know that I was going to watch a film with such heavy subject matter.

Munich is a movie inspired from a real event that happened during the 1972 Olympics. It's about the massacre of 11 Israeli athletes by a group of Palestinians who called themselves Black September, which led to a series of further cleansing of Palestinians and vice versa (like as it is now) and hijacking of planes.

So basically, the movie is about 5 Jews who are chosen to eliminate those nine people responsible for the killing of the athletes. As as the drama unfolds (as predicted) these men started to question the meaning of it, when things start to get out of control, because at the same time they're slaying each and every one on the wanted list, they are hunted down as well. And Eric Bana's in it, playing the leader of the Jew clan, and as you can guess, it also touched on how he started to get psychologically affected. I'm not gonna spoil it by talking about the movie, but the sex scenes are really unnecessary.

But questions are derived from this movie:

Will Israeli's efforts earn them a place of their own? For how long? And was the avenge for the dead athletes by assasinating killers justifiable? Or is Jerusalem just an example of Palestinian greed? And as a Muslim, it disturbed me a bit, as thoughts run through my head- from issues like human rights, religion and ethnicity to violence, anti-Semitism and taking sides. Well, I dare not talk political here, fuck it, anyway, but one thing I learnt about this, is that what happened in the Munich massacre has brought the Palestinian plight into the limelight, as well as the spurt of international terrorism.

And one valuable thing. The theme that runs thru the film:

We live and we sacrifice to earn ourselves a home, cos there's nothing like home. It's where we belong.

=)

The world is our only home. May there be peace.

TH

2006-02-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

i had another appointment with Dr. Goh again. i wish the hospital is a block away. sometimes wish its like a hostel i can stay, so i dont have to wake up and get dressed and take the train and bus all the way just to say "i think im fine" to some fat bespectacled person. yeah. today our chat was less than 10 minutes, which was a total waste of time and the 3 weeks of medication cost me about almost $120. so fuck it as well.

school was ok. i felt like a nephrology expert for one hour and a complete loser the next half. but Dr. Lam was good. i like his teaching style than Dr. Yong. hes very organised and chronological and i found myself answering to most of his questions.

on the way home, i dropped by the school library to collect my Nursing Research book i reserved last Friday. yay. im happy. but i havent started anything on it yet.

i was dressed so simply today. black polo, khaki pedal pants, slippers and small army sling pouch. but i get a lot of attention from ppl. they kept looking at my head. later then i realised that it must have been that very huge "TH" on my cap.

yeah i know its made not for asians. fuck lah. a chink bought it for me anyway hence colored ppl like me can wear it if we like duh. and its so happened that i like the cap from ur freaking label. we pay u money ayway. u fucking white skank gayboi.

im sleepy. im supposed to study Psychology. and Bioscience for my practical in 2 weeks' time. i think i will utilise the two days (Thurs and Fri) whereby my parents wont be home, to seriously mug mug mug fug.

and it looks like weve might have made it... well you andi. collapsed and die. and it looks like weve made it... to the end.

this blog is getting more narrow-minded and boring and childlike. argh.

dyslexia

2006-02-21T10:25:00.000+08:00

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs rpsoet it in yuor bolg.

past test

2006-02-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

You scored as Past.

Your depression is caused by your past.
Something happened that you wish you could forget, but you can't.
You think about it a lot, maybe are even haunted by nightmares of it.
You wish you could have done something
to change how things had turned out.
You can't let go.
The past consumes you.

Past

84%

Stress

81%

Love

75%

People

72%

Family

59%

Death

47%

Friends

47%

Loneliness

44%

What causes you to be depressed?
created with QuizFarm.com

teststsetst

2006-02-19T23:42:00.000+08:00

You scored as Mysterious.
You wish to hide who you are from all those around you.
You find it very hard to trust people.
You also may enjoy the fun that comes from playing
mind games with others around you.

My advice:
Get out there and reveal the true you if only to one person!
Become a Vampire Click here!!

Mysterious

83%

Diamond Eyes

83%

Passion

75%

Eyes full of Pain

75%

What do your eyes reveal about you?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as unicorn / acid.
You have an autographed and framed sheet
of Tmothy Leary blotter paper

unicorn / acid

67%

centaur / chrystal meth

58%

angel / PCP

58%

dragon / marijuana laced with ketamine

50%

troll / crack

50%

phoenix / mexican black tar heroin

42%

leprechaun / ecstacy

25%

if you were a fantastical creature,
what drug would you use?
created with QuizFarm.com

LSD or Acid
(tabs, trips, blotters, microdots)

Acid is a powerful hallucinogenic drug that alters your perception of the outside world.

Acid can turn you into a gibbering, giggling wreck, make the world seem like a magical place, and in one sublime experience.

During the course of a trip, the entire universe can turn wibbly, colours become deeply intense, everyday objects take on bizarre and sometimes wonderful new forms, and all your senses can become confused and distorted.

Usually coming in the form of small squares of paper or tiny pellets (around £1-£5 a hit), acid can take anything from 20 minutes to 2 hours to take effect, with trips usually lasting around 7 to 12 hours. There's no real way of knowing how strong a tab is or how it will affect you.

Because of the unexpected and random effects of taking acid, it's always best to take it somewhere you feel comfortable and safe, preferably surrounded by friends you trust.

If you're out clubbing, make sure you've got somewhere to go to afterwards as it can be quite a challenge trying to work out a night bus timetable when all you can see is a set of oscillating black blobs.

politics

2006-02-19T12:19:00.000+08:00

ACCORDING TO YOUR ANSWERS, The political description that fits you best is...

CENTRIST

CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes support individual freedom of choice. Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.

The RED DOT on the Chart shows where you fit on the political map.

Your PERSONAL issues Score is 40%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 60%.
(Please note: Scores falling on the Centrist border are counted as Centrist.)

Centrists are ideologically flexible. Centrists recognize the complexity of public policy choices and look to many kinds of solutions. Which solution depends on the circumstances, the problem, and the public interest. Ideologues repeat their slogans with little regard to the specific policy problem at hand. Conservatives shout "private good, public bad." Liberals shout "public good, private bad." By contrast, the centrist movement can show politicians how to use both the private and public sectors (often in combination) to creatively solve problems that we would otherwise just shout about.

Ok, according to my results, I fall somewhere towards the Right of the Centrist square, so this is a little bit information on Right (Conservative), which was what I used to be .....

Right (Conservative)

Conservatives tend to favor economic freedom, but frequently support laws to restrict personal behavior that violates "traditional values." They oppose excessive government control of business, while endorsing government action to defend morality and the traditional family structure. Conservatives usually support a strong military, oppose bureaucracy and high taxes, favor a free-market economy, and endorse strong law enforcement.

test

2006-02-19T00:36:00.000+08:00

You scored as English. You should be an English major!
Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively,
and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so.
Pursue that interest of yours!

English

100%

Journalism

92%

Psychology

75%

Linguistics

75%

Theater

75%

Anthropology

75%

Philosophy

67%

Art

67%

Sociology

67%

Dance

67%

Engineering

58%

Biology

42%

Mathematics

42%

Chemistry

33%

What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com

Nahbey.

pussycatdolls.

2006-02-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

Before you read on, please take some time to look over at My Johari Window and help me understand myself better, through your own perspectives. Thanks, and if you have one of your own, do let me know too.

OK. writing time.

SCHOOL

hmmm. this week has been really fruitful. or should i say, Friday? LOL. yeah, i met up with my fellow team mates from the Med-Surg module @ North canteen on Friday. was supposed to finalise our Dengue project, but ended up bitching about the freaks of their class, especially those wannabes and no-lifers. i told them i had some kind of a culture shock whenever i enter their class. its the type of environment, where you would go something like this, "omfg, why the hell am i here?"... or why do they exist kinda thingy, you know. creeps me out. and theres a PRC girl who looks exactly like Harry Potter - the specs, the nose ... imagine Potter with long hair. Eeks. but we DID get things done. Marni will be compiling it for the final time - those last touches, and we're gonna rehearse on Monday. i had lunch with my own classmates, usual gang, and it was quite fun somehow. i dont know what made it fun, but besides the annoying K-I-A talks by Ben and eye-rolling conversations about Ivy and Calvin, as well as the love-hate bilateral issues between me and Hazel, i guess it had got to be my spontaneity and wicked wit. as usual. hah.

FLINT

his birthday was last week. and im supposed to write it. but its beginning to feel like old news. well, to sum up, it WAS FUCKING GREAT!! we had Swensen's with Flint's bassist, Stevoe and later joined by their friend Gene. i think his hairdo was cool. well the 3 of us ate a main course each. me grilled fish while the other two ate steak. Flint had only ice cream. but it was the house special, which is the Firehouse, and this Filipino server came to tell us that the staff were all too busy to sing a B'day song but he gave a baloon anyway. i really wanna see how Flint would react. HA HA! Oh yeah, and i taught them a Tagalog word for I Love You and made them say it to that waiter! Then we headed down to Tjg Pgr, or rather, specifically, Amoy Road, which is like a fucking few hundred metres from the train station, and instead of passing thru Robinson Road's Temasek Tower, we went the other way, through Maxwell Rd. But well, couldnt blame the darkness of the night and the fact not everyone of us patronize there often, and besides, even with the signs, there were TOO MANY TALL building towering above us, i couldnt seem to like tell which one from the other. we finally found cafe cosmo and said Hi to Cal from Nuance and the rest of the guys. Nuance is one of our fave local bands that influenced by Mansun and the likes which equates to cool music. they played a few tracks including my fave "Fear Strikes Mankind" and "Beijing". they also played a rocking Happy Birthday tune for Flint and ha ha yeah i knew he was shy. anyway, his gifts include a JJ72 album, a Mini sling bag, Baleno belt and a HMV voucher. cool, innit? it was fun lah, really. and i like Cafe Cosmo. we LOVE Cafe Cosmo. its damn cool. im gonna get indie badges there! Yeah. Flint turned 19 that day.

MOTHER

my father made a remark to us sisters when my mom wasnt around, that she is a female version of Ariel Sharon. i dont know, but it made me laugh. it is indeed true but i think no matter how cruel and discriminating Sharon can be, there is still that give-and-take thing about him, when it comes to his most hated subject, the Palestinians. but my mom. my mother. when she hates you. you will never be loved again. and while the rest of us are brainstorming on how to accomodate my schizo aunt, she lies on the bed probably thinking on the next step to authority.

oh. i love pussycat doll's BEEP.

please watch it.

die

2006-02-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

i didnt go out with Marina. shes been busy with her new job as an events executive. thats okay.

i didnt go out with Anna for starbucks even. it was supposed to be today @ 4pm but my tutorial had to be extended for another hour, because Penny had to replace those hours she missed with us last week. so there is no time for me and Anna after that.

so i just had dinner with the girls and wait for Flint to finish his exam papers.

thats all for today. theres nothing much to write anyway. i dont know why did. but.

yesterday was too much too write.

and tomorrow im not sure if i wanna write.

because im so busy presently.

If you keep saying, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die," you probably would.

- Rough Guides

argh.

2006-02-15T08:58:00.000+08:00

hello good morning.

i just woke up. and i feel weird. strange. and sometimes i feel like kicking myself.

this early morning i heard a bizarre sounding honk-like sound, something like a siren, only more frightening, a little bit like a giant flute, or a horn, AND for a moment, i thought it was Israfil (aka Raphael, you anglicised morons). then i cover my whole self with the blanket and then i slept and i had a brief dream about someone sending me a sms, and it was a picture of an inverted Singapore flag, half mast. i woke up, got freaked out and i asked my mom and dad if they heard the sounds but they didn't. my mom said i must have been hallucinating. i asked my sis, she said she didn't hear anything and added that i might be having too much of medicine. ok fine. yeah. me and my meds. fuck meds. you screw my life.

i checked my phone again, and theres an sms sent at midnight from JACK, again.

"Kitty, is it OK to talk 2 U about BGR a little?"

ugh. good god, i hate that 'kitty' part, it gives me the creeps. especially when he SAYS it. and why does he want to talk to me about boy-girl relationship at such a time? he knows i usually NEVER pick up his calls after midnight. in fact i NEVER pick up his calls at anytime. because i know he would sms after that and i would just reply from there. i dont know. i would love to ignore. but this person is the one that kept me sane when i was in the psyche ward for a month. he was lovely. and if listening to him makes he feel better, i would. but maybe not this time round. i cant contain too much of depression. especially not from other people. anyway, i didnt respond to that. not because i didnt wanna, but ive no credits left to call.

oh yeah. Valentines Day. V-Day. D-Day. i dont give a fuck about it really. i just respect the fact that it remembers the martyrdom of St. Valentine and the freedom to love. but for the marketing efforts thats been going round the world, im sorry, but i dont subscribe to that shit. ok, i wouldn't wanna be TOO BOLD, but i TRY NOT to fucking subscribe to that bourgeoisie crap though i do wish ppl happy Valentine's - thats just out of good will. so far, i dont remember getting anything from anyone for Valentine's Day throught the years, except for one so many years back, maybe in 1999. i remember it was Ian (NOT my present Ian), but this one chinese guy (not my chinese former boyfriend either) called Ian who bought me blue roses and we ate at (gawd i forgot where it was) somewhere and yeah he's this bespectacled guy, very indie and i remember him sending me a birthday card - handmade, with Mansun montage. thats about it - just a brief flirt with Valentine's Day. otherwise, it's NIL to moi. yeah, im loveless but so what? i went out with Flint Darling before meeting Irma, and yeah we saw so many couples, with the guys in striped shirts (fuck whats with the stripes, especially when me and flint wore stripes), and then the girls with bouquets of flowers. damn that must have cost a fifth of their salary. lol. i dont know, call me a killjoy or unromantic but i loathed images of those. sorry, but perhaps, im just not your flowers-and-chocolate person. perhaps, i want more. or none at all. ok call me ungrateful to all these small little things in life, but like Flint said, everyday is Valentine's Day. and yeah speaking of marketing love, we saw someone selling flowers and she was holding a placard saying: "love for $4". fuck. like seriously. i dont know, it may sound catchy to some people, but it just didnt sound right to me.

i met Irma. she wore stripes, that yuppy. lol. we had dinner at Taco Bell. yeah and looked for MP3 players and then we ate again at Mos Burger. took photos. bitch about lotsa stuff. and love. ha ha! we donttttttttttttttttt neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed fucking Valentines dayyyyyyyyyyyy. fuck fuck fuck. arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh. yes i know im in denial. so shut the fuck up.

sigh. well anyway. i havent been studying. i havent been in close touch with school, though i do go to school. i dont know la. fuck. when i go school, i attend lectures, but barely know whats it, because that damn Ben beside me would always take out his damn copy of Today and strike an intellectual conversation-cum-discussion on freaking current affairs. or he would ask for my Sudoku handheld. or he would play that on the newspaper and i would watch him. or Ivy at the back would make squeaky noises and pass random remarks to me, then Sowmiya would laugh and give me weird looks and sometimes i really wanna know what the fuck is she thinking. and half the time, i had to ask Ben which page we are at and then he had to ask Lydia who would like suddenly woke up from some daydreaming - she would look at Amelia's page and look at her page, and i could see a "oh ok im at the correct page" bubble above her head, then she would tell Ben, who would then turn to the right page and then i would do so. its hopeless. and im getting depressed. sometimes i feel like calling Yvette but fuck lah. ive been bumming and not mugging. and i know not even half of whats happening. no one calls me for Psychology project discussions. all im working on now is my freaking Medical-Surgical module, on some freaking Dengue haemorrhage fever shite, some talk for primary school children - dengue education. yeah thank god for someone's Honda, i got to go to the NEA's office in a breeze, otherwise, i'd be really lazy and i would probably put it off till the last minute. at the Newton's NEA, ive gotten all the posters i need but didnt get to meet that Malik officer, so that Honda owner of mine drove me to another NEA regional office @ Bt. Merah and i got my cd-rom from a yuppy-looking Raymond. handsome. wore stripes. and then Malik called to ask me come over to Newton to take an Aedes documentary cd and i told him i'll get it on Thursday, cos my chaffeur is heading elsewhere. whatever it is, i need to get everything done by this Friday, and the rest of my stuff are still with lovely Hazel. im practically deteriorating like fuck and some people actually thought im a high flyer in school. well, tell you something. im not famous with the lecturers for the right reasons.

;-)

i hate school. and as i look at the stuff at NEA, i suddenly felt the desire to work there as a designer. designing their literature and campaign aids. sounds fun. i miss having a desk in front of me, a workstation, desktop or iMac, and having every reason to dress up to work.

im having lots of dilemma now. i had this ego-tripping bickering session with my Ian over the phone yesterday, and we were practically shouting over the phone, but unlike him, i didnt go like - "hey gimme a minute" and then banged the receiver repeatedly on the table. yes i know. im loving a psycho. i know.

a psycho who sang me Johnny Cash's songs out loud from the moment we stepped out of Lido theatre all the way through the tunnels of Orchard Road till the subway station and in the train back home. sweet isn't it? but to me, it's sad.

actually. im here to write not about whats written above. but damn i forgot.

oh yeah. Flint's birthday. how could i not write about it. well, i will. but in the next entry. oh and i promised and entry about Asri too. well, i'll write everything together, including my dinner with Marina which will commence later. lol.

yeah. will go do my Bioscience assignment now. ive Dr. Yong's class @ 3. and then go meet up Marina for dinner-cum-bicthing session @ Marche. and Anna's called me to ask me out for Starbucks and smoke tomorrow evening, since she's having day off from work. yeah. that's what you do when you're intertwined in this depressing twenty-something phenomenon:-

dress up. eat. if possible, exquisite or fine dining. dress up. make up. lipstick. lipstick traces. cigarettes. coffee. tea. dinner. girl talk. gossipmongering. melodrama. drama mama. memory lane. what-the-fuck-happened-in-the-past. eat. drink. toilet. hairdo. make up. i-hate-boys-guys-men-but-i-love-and-wanna-fuck-them. shopping. money. i-got-screwed. i-am-single. i-have-lousy-boyfriend/s. silent. i-dont-think-im-getting-married. look at the world. talk about the news. think. analyse. despise. scrutinise. philosophise. philosophise. philosophise. go home. sms. sleep.

sleep. i dont need to sleep.

can someone help me?

yuppy

2006-02-11T10:51:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I went to meet the Deputy Director of Nursing as told. I was dressed up, like a yuppy - a white Bossini long-sleeved shirt with black and red stripes to go with my pinstriped Naff black pants with a pair of my VNC pointy black semi leather heels and a brown MC bag and metallically acessorised. I looked like straight out of Raffles Place, and while I was on the train, some office-clean-looking males were looking at me. I think I might have looked like some accounts executive to them.

I went to the admin office and asked for her. The lady, Yvette Tan, asked me what business do I have, and I told her I'm a student and was told to see her. Then she called up the Deputy and mentioned that I'm here for an offence. I was like, "no no, not offence, I'm here to see her because (I don't know what to say, because I really don't know what I'm supposed to do) ... and she cut me off, "oh, I'm sorry, really sorry, so you're going out with Peggy?" I nodded and she told me to wait.

Then out came this lady, in a nice white-yellow striped long sleeved shirt with a matching dark yellow pants carrying piles of booklets. Later, I found out that they are prospectus of the various courses available in our school. I helped her load the things in her car - a metallic lime green Renault Megane - damn big. Then she asked where I wanted to eat. She gave me the freedom to choose to eat in school or outside. It's weird, really. That's like the first time I met and talked to her and I don't wanna like, you know, take advantage of her offer. So I suggested that we eat in school. Because I was CASHLESS, and it's really inappropriate to like go and withdraw money, and I'm NOT SURE if she is really going to pay for my meal, so I was dumb enough to decide to eat MACDONALDS. At least I can pay by EZ Link. But she was there, and she said she's OK with MAC and besides, she wants a light one, so we queued and when she saw me taking out my wallet, she told me that it's ok and she will pay. I was like, OK DAMN, should have said Food Junction or something. She ordered the same thing as I, Fish Fillet and drink. Then instead of sitting at the STAFF area, we sat at where the students usually sit, and I saw some ppl I know - looking at me and giving me that "why are you with her" kinda looks, and those creepy grins and I just smiled back. We talked, I felt so awkward cos Ms. Peggy, she looks tensed up, so I tried to make conversations. We talked about some students my senior, those from Nan Hua as well, and yeah I told her I know them and one of them was actually my classmate. Then she asked about my studies, I lied a bit, about repeating some Bio. She thought I was a Final Year student because of my admin number and I told her I was previously from IT and she asked me who interviewed me before I transferred to Nursing. Honestly, I wasn't interviewed, and I got transferred easily. But that's like a life and death question so I said yes I was there for the interview and she said, "I couldn't remember interviewing you." I told her, it wasn't her, it was someone else and before I knew it, the Director's name came out of my mouth. She just nodded and said "Oh, too many of you to recall." Phew.

Then she drove us there. I noticed a lot about her. Diamond rings, white gold, and those Town Clubs car decals on the windscreen. And she listens to Gold FM. SHe asked me if I like music. I said yes. Asked if I know Elvis Presley. I said yes. I asked if she likes him, she said yes. She said she listen to Beatles. I said, me too. Then she asked how old my parents are and who do I live with, what did I do after Nan Hua and why I want to do Nursing (I hate this question). She asked what do I want to specialise in, and how do I get to school from my house (???). And she still looked tensed.

When we reached the school, we went straight up the hall and saw another booth for Ngee Ann Polytechnic. While Peggy was away looking for toilets, one of the NP personnel talked to me and asked if I could help her carry some boxes. Then she babbled about how busy WE are as lecturers, so I clarified with her that I'm not a lecturer but just an NYP student, who is also a former NH graduate. She felt embarrassed after that. Peggy came back and we arranged all the course booklets and then I took pictures of the school while waiting for the announcement of O level results. I saw some familiar faces - the teachers. Then Peggy and I chatted about the school.

The school had a 100% pass and out of the 300-something students, only 17 couldn't make it to Junior College but qualified for Polytechnics. Which means, each of them had AT LEAST, 4 Distinctions and the rest of the subjects with Bs. My vice-principal, who was still there, told me that the students here are aspired to go to Junior Colleges, but also said that, there might be some who would want to go to Polys - esp those practical oriented ones. Some who had like 4 or 5 As were crying like fuck because they didn't get 8As. Whatever la. As long as, they know they've worked hard.

I got sick of being there after a while Peggy got sick too, and she was rushing to SGH for some meeting. So we decided to pack and go. But not bad, we had better response than Ngee Ann, and I've got to share my own experience as well. Mr. Chee who recognised me, he came up to me and asked if I want to come back and help out with the St. John's Brigade, and I turned it down. I've got other commitments and I'm not interested in SJAB.

We drove back and Peggy dropped me at Clementi. And I went home. She gave me a few bucks as "transport" fees in case I want to go school after that because she can't drive me back to school as she had to go to SGH.

I didn't go back to school. I went home, and relaxed for a while and went over to Safi's and with the whole family we drove to the airport to send her off to Sweden.

I will come back later, because my father just fell and had a heart attack.

nhss

2006-02-08T20:55:00.000+08:00

Some Ms. Tan called me up on behalf of the Deputy Director of Nursing of my school. Apparently, I've been called by the director to escort her to Nan Hua High School, which is a school I was from. She will be meeting the Principal and promote our Nursing school, as well as NYP as a whole, to the pupils. That day (this Friday) will be the GCE 'O' Levels results.

Wow. I'm so honoured. I will be lunching with her before we drive there.

I'm wearing smart casual.

Yay.

hosp

2006-02-08T10:48:00.000+08:00

I was watching the news last night and was disgusted by what happened in one of our neighbouring countries' hospitals. I don't think it's politically correct to mention which country, but I think you could make a guess here.

A mother was going through a childbirth operation, when one of the doctors actually accidentally cut the baby's leg from the ankle downwards. So they panicked and instead of getting the remains of the leg to join and sew it up, they decided to forgo and since the baby has a cleft lip and already facially handicapped, I guess their mantra was, "might as well.." You know what I mean? So what they did was they sew the cut leg up and made it as though the girl is born without half her leg. And the mother recalled seeing the situation (when she was half conscious), whereby the doctors and nurses went haphazard and she noticed that her two thumbs had ink stains. As if someone had taken her thumbprints. So when they finished with the whole operation, the mother was told that her daughter is handicapped without a leg. When the mom realised the stitches on her daughter's leg, she knew that something was wrong and decided to lodge a police report. And yes the entire staff admitted that the leg was cut off and that they forced informed consent. Tsk.

And that's not the only disgusting incident that happened in the hospitals in that same country. Here are some of those that I can recall:

1) Childbirth incident again. As they were pulling the baby out, the baby's head got tangled with the umbilical cord. Thanks to the carelessness, the baby died.

2) Childbirth again. Vaginal labour. As they were delivering the baby, they pulled too hard, the head got stuck and "poop", the head came off. Baby died. The nurse came out to tell the daddy that it's a boy, and the daddy was happy but the nurse refused to let him see the boy and covered his "head" with cloth. Euw.

3) Recent news. Mom gave birth. The next day, the baby got kidnapped from the hospital. Obvious indication that nurses were sleeping their heads off and there was poor surveillance. Negligence.

4) Babies again. Mom gave birth. She knows it's a girl. Then nurse came with a baby boy and gave the mom 'her child'. Everyone got sued, of course.

5) Babies AGAIN! Moms gave birth and went home with everyone else's babies with different given names. LOL.

6) Mom just gave birth. Caesarian birth. Loss of blood. Needed blood transfusion. Blood tranfused but it was HIV blood. Wow wow wow.

7) There are so many HIV blood transfusion cases to be discussed here. So you get the picture - hospitals didn't screen blood. I wonder if they replace their blood banks with new ones. And the hospitals didn't want it to be a big issue and promised to compensate and pay all the medical bills for life. But can they pay the emotional trauma - dying early, can't have sex with spouse, can't give birth to children, and what have yous.

8) Woman went for treatment. She was misdiagnosed with having HIV, because they checked the wrong blood sample. The whole family in shame and she wondered how the hell she gets HIV, because she's married with children and her husband is not HIV infected. She got depressed, because she's already middle-aged and having HIV is like some killing stigma and she felt so depressed and she stayed indoors, became sick and eventually died of that. Later, after her death, the family received a call from that hospital (who didn't know she's dead) informing them that it was a mistake and that she didn't have HIV. Family got shocked. It was too late. Sue sue sued.

Yeah. Fucked up. Singapore's system ranks a 7th, I think. And this particular country I've mentioned ranked 50th out of 190 countries in the world in healthcare system.

Go figure.

poem martinluther

2006-02-04T21:02:00.000+08:00

I was so overwhelmed by the whole caricature debate (yeah I'm so dramatic) that I wrote this down. It took me about 3 hours to get my thoughts together and construct this as closely to the subject matter as possible. I haven't worked on the references as yet. Then again, if you appreciate 'freedom of speech', then (again) that's great because I won't entertain lawsuits.

Meanwhile, some cool website from the country that brought you Hamlet.

If I Draw Martin Luther(1) being Smacked by Witches with Brooms(2), Will You Burn the Domes?

For once,
Annan(3) makes sense
out of Europe(4)
though he would miss the akvavif(5)
on Friday nights
in Lebanon(6) pubs

the truth is
Lefranc(7) lost not his job
but his daily morgenmad(8)
of Danish pastry
after a 12-0 defeat(9) on home ground
Jacques, Jacques, you French(10) loaf
of bad humor
do not tell me you forgot Voltaire(11), baby

and when they sing, "Jihad, jihad!"(12)
they are lodging sensitivity
no need for apologies
or even a holy war
for there will be no more Nordic(13) dance
and people no longer draw cartoons

Rose(14), Rose, you flaming bloom
Rose, he gets away but not without
bomb threats
beneath his turbaned pen cap
Rose, will he sleep tonight?

if they had listened to Ayatollah(15),
when he said, "Rushdie(16) is satanic",
Denmark would have just been another
Scandinavian Guantanamo Bay(17)
a Hamlet(18) tragedy, or worse,
a godless civilisation,
that claims its every right to
amuse themselves
and everyone else
with a good sense of human violation
a good friend of Van Gogh(19) not-the-artist
so if Jesus(20) smoked cocaine in your country(21)
that doesn't mean Muhammad(22) sent
his photograph from his camera phone
so I can tuck it in my grenaded self-made jacket

we do not need anymore Chechens(23),
Osamas(24) and ethnic cleansing
we want only creative expression of art
because people are not laughing with you,
white haired media elites
who do not know
how to play in their own game
your excuses were disguising
when you realise they didn't get your joke
nothing is safe from satire
when your joke had put
your own effigy and that red and white banner
of yours at stake
though you might have wished that
when you laugh,
the world laughs with you

but you've scored a zero, Jyllands-Posten(25),
'cos freedom of speech won't feed your children.

cartoon

2006-02-04T14:25:00.000+08:00

The Right To Freedom of Speech / The Right to Offend
VERSUS
The Right to Defend / The Right to be Offended
(Delete as appropriate)

I was browsing through world news and here's what I've got to share:

AHMED OZALP, CAIRO, EGYPT :

A lot of people here are really offended by the cartoon.

My main problem with all of this is: What was the purpose of publishing this cartoon? Was it simply to offend? If so, they have certainly managed to do so.

It certainly appeared to be malicious, which is not in the spirit of freedom of speech.

In Europe there is a lot of uproar when anyone's sensibilities are offended.

Take, for example, when Prince Harry dressed up in a Nazi outfit. The discussion was not about freedom of speech but what is considered offensive.

It's the very same in this debate.

People have to be very careful when they publish something like this. They have to make sure they know what they are getting into.

I have discussed this with friends who view it as a very personal attack on them as Muslims. This one has hit a little too close to home.

Freedom of speech should be protected but it should be used responsibly

I am Muslim and I like to see myself as open-minded and I believe in freedom of speech, but it should be used responsibly.

But I do sympathise with others around me who have taken this to heart.

The fact is there is wave of prejudice against Muslims and Islam sweeping Europe and this was below the belt.

The perception of Islam in Europe needs to be addressed, but I'm not sure that publishing a full page of caricatures about the Prophet Muhammad is the way to go about it.

European misconceptions about Islam are perhaps understandable in the wake of the attacks in London and Madrid, but it's a small group of extremists doing this.

No doubt, there has been an overreaction on both sides of the argument.

The display of solidarity on the part of the European newspapers was an overreaction - to republish these pictures without context, just to take a stand, was wrong.

But then on the other side of the argument you have people making bomb threats, which is going way too far.

I hope it doesn't end like it did with Theo Van Gogh in the Netherlands.

It's a good thing that it has opened up debate about perceptions of Muslims in Europe, but the arguments need to be more constructive in order for this to have a positive outcome.

The Danish failed to understand how offensive it is to caricature the Prophet Muhammad. In the Muslim world we are not even allowed to have any images of the Prophet Muhammad, never mind ones that caricature him.

But if lessons are learned from this, it will be a positive thing.

More:

Media Freedom versus Responsible Journalism
European Press Review
Envoys Meet As Muslim Anger Grows
Interview with the Culture Editor of Jyllands-Posten
World Press Eyes Cartoon Controversy
Islam Online World News
Why We Will Defend The Right To Offend
Cartoon Furor Hits Jakarta
Anger Grows Across Asia Over Cartoon Rows
Fabricated cartoons worsened Danish controversy

chingay

2006-02-04T12:01:00.000+08:00

yesterday i went to school to pass Ivy's money and then meet up with Hazel, Lydia and Jamie for a while, after their swim. Jamie finally returned me my Sudoku handheld and yeah they were commenting on my maroon specs and my haircut. yeah i cut my hair again, this time, not because im depressed, but i just felt like it, and i cut it shorter then the usual and the fringe purposely made look a lil bit nerdy and geeky (like what Flint said).

Flint commented on how i looked, well nice compliments haha, but i think i look i lil weird somehow. then i went to meet up with irma, who was yuppily dressed as well. she wore this dark blue netted-knitted top over a black singlet and black pants and black heels and an office girl hairdo. i wore a long sleeved white shirt with black and red stripes. im so so into striped shirts.

we ate at delifrance wisma and took pictures! and then i wanted to get stuff for my brother over at the heeren but we didnt know there was chingay and we couldnt cross the other side so yeah we had to go the underpass. then i bumped into Az aka disco ditto with a girlfriend, ooo so pretty yeah, i almost missed him cos he couldnt hear me. it was like damn loud in town.

yeah nothing much for yesterday. life is damn boring for me. i need spice. i need oxygen.

swensen

2006-02-03T12:05:00.000+08:00

my brother flint and i ate ice cream at swensen's yesterday. he had banana split and, me, cookie summit. it was heavenly. enough said.

gift th

2006-02-02T15:07:00.000+08:00

im in school now. was supposed to go to the Southern Environmental Health Building, which is one of NEA's branch at Jln Bt. Merah, but i didn't because i was late and i needed to be in school by 2. i didn't turn up for med-surg lecture in the morning because i overslept. life life.

as promised, jack turned up in school at 2pm sharp (omg). i told him to meet me at one of the seats in food junction, and with the directions i gave him earlier, he did make it to the meeting point. he looked weird, but im quite happy cos hes giving me some nice stuff. he wore this oversized beige shirt with pockets and a weird looking fitted dark grey military pants with brown belt and a green high sierra bag with two mineral water bottles tucked in at the sides. his glasses were too small for his face and his hair should be cut. anyway, he started off talking about the attachment over at the states. oklahoma city, dallas and los angeles. telling me how safe it is for independent girls like me to travel around. then he talked about medicine, his stillnox, his prozac and valium. and yeah he told me ruth is getting married and been taking risperidals, and i told him i was in there for a week last year and his face changed. he was like all of a sudden, "no, no it's okay, kitty, im not laughing at you." gawd. i hate that kitty thing and yeah i know he wouldnt laugh at me, and i really wouldnt mind if anyone does, but thing is, there isnt anything to laugh about in the first place. i was just telling him as a matter-of-fact.

we talked about nursing and mass communications, and he commented that i look mature and that 'ive grown from a girl to a woman'. i was like, uh okay, as i thought about the last time he saw me before the day i just got into poly, was like in 2002, i think, in the hospital. he was this depressed schizo. and i wondered, yeah, i must have been looking like a little girl then. well, in the end he got hungry and he bought noodles and eventually got bored of melodramatic subjects. seriously, when i meet ex-wardmates, the last thing i would wanna talk about is our conditions. well, it was jack himself who started to become sick of it first and decided to talk about entertainment. of course, we talked about movies. especially superheroes, comic movies. we talked a lot about batman episodes and sin city anthology and yeah we are looing forward to v is for vendetta and the upcoming xmen 3. therell be gambit but its pretty hard to tell from the posters who is who cos when mutants are clad in stylish black, you dont know what ure seeing.

he then took out something from a zara paperbag (and he kept calling me kitty). for a moment i thought, oh please no zara clothing cos its minah-ish, but no. there are two stuff. one is something like an ornament. a clay or dough-like ornament. he apologised for ruining it, but really its intact and not broken, but just that it feels a lil (teeny bit) soft. i mean clay-dough material shouldnt really feel concrete hard anyway, but he was like, no no it was really hard at first when i bought it in the states. its like a christmas kinda ornament. really sweet. its white like snow and has those usual reindeer and red green colour combination decoration and its those things for hanging, you know. i was like, no no, its pretty and yeah thanks. he was quite relieved that i was okay with the first gift. then he took out the other one which was a Tommy Hilfiger cap. oh my. he bought me a TH cap. i mean you can get it here, but it'll like cost me a bomb for just a TH cap, cos in Singapore, it's a designer label. but over at the us, its their local label, so he got it at a reasonable market price and yeah its the signature colour - blue, red and white. pretty cap. i was delighted.

it was 3 and i told him i had a lecture. actually i didnt. but i dont really wanna stay any longer with him and talk. honestly, im so dead uncomfortable. but i felt sorry somehow cos he still have not finished his food and i apologised. he was so nice to like say its okay and told me to go for my lecture and so yeah i went off but not before saying a hella big thank yous for buying me such nice gifts.

i feel a strange kind of sadness.

bio

2006-02-01T22:11:00.000+08:00

i loathe bio class for the reason that everyone suddenly lost their speech ability. like, excuse me, we're taking this for the 3rd time. most of the time, i was the one doing the answering, but thats like half a minute after the lecturer asked the question, simply because no one wants to answer. and you know, lecturers, when they ask something and they want someone to answer, and when there isnt anyone answering that, it'll take like forever before he gives up and heads on to the next one. and i HATE it when they mouth the answer after the lecturer breathed the first syllable or something. like, they know it's "papillary", but they will never say it. it's either me (after that 30 seconds of waiting) or when the lecturer says, "pap.." and then someone (or worse still, the whole lot of them) would like continue for him, "papillary!". ah huh. on another note, dr. yong is really a great bio teacher.

i went to breeks with irma at amk to eat. we had a really big lunch-cum-dinner. like really a lot, omg. as i eat, sometimes, i wish my brother is there eating as well. i mean its good stuff. haha. yeah and when we wanted to pay, they dont accept nets, so argh we looked like fools there and irma stayed while i went one round to go look for a teller machine. then we window shopped, well, i window shopped, but irma bought some stuff at good prices, so yeah it was great.

tomorrow im gonna eat ice cream with flint. yay.

istana.

2006-02-01T16:24:00.000+08:00

I went to the Istana with Marina and Irma yesterday. The President 'opened house' to the public to celebrate the Lunar New Year.

It was a long queue all the way to the bus stop in front of Plaza Singapura but chatting and making jokes killed time so the queue seemed to be flowing smoothly for us. At the gates of the Istana, they had this checkpoint, where we have to open our bags and take off any metallic thingy from our bodies (duh) before being allowed to enter the premises. Once we got in, I started taking photos, and was so oblivious to the two guards who were marching behind me. Someone had to actually told me to move, cos the two guards couldn't possibly say, "Excuse me?" or something. Ha ha. But I went right in front of them and took a pic. The Istana's surrounding is nothing but a big green patch, made up mostly of mini golf-course and small lakes and narrow road for those VIP cars, I suppose. But the building is grand, a bit White-House-ish but with the state flag.

The fountain, they claimed to be on a patch as big as a football field is a little bit kinda bullshit you know, it's not THAT big, but it was really pretty. They had this wushu-ish kinda performance and the President and the First Lady were there. And when they finally set out in those buggies, everyone started to crowd around, and I tried to fit in and finally ended up being right in front of the President and his wife and I took close up pics (I don't know why but I really wanted to giggle at that time - I mean, Ery, you're so crazy about the President or what? Haha), like some country girl who just got out of house or something. Can't blame for my agressive photo-taking, lah. In fact, Marina even commented that when I get people to take photographs for us, I was like as if, commanding them to take the photo. I mean, OMG, I really didn't realise I can be so so not polite. HAHAHA. Dun give a damn lah. And I don't fancy anyone in the government but really I mean, I think the President and his wife are nice people, we shook hands and she said Happy New Year to me, but I don't think she meant Chinese New Year, cos I obviously don't look Chinese, so I take it as she wished me an Awal Muharram lah. =)

Then, after that, we walked back and took more photos. There were geese in the lake. And then we took a pic with the stiff looking guard at the gates. Haha. Some people took pictures with them and made foolish gestures but well, a guard is a guard, you just have to stand there and not smile and pity yourself.

Then we ate at Long John Silvers at the MacDonald house and bitch about and yeah Marina and Irma gelled well so that was cool. We went window shopping at Plaza, but Irma had to leave to meet her sis, so it was just me and Marina and walking all over town. We browsed through a lot of music, even pop and RnB and then her bf came to meet us. Had dinner with them at BK. And of course, Marina asked me what I think of him and being as clairvoyant as I always am (in terms of impressoins and personality of people), I told her what I think and she was like, "Totally, Eryan!" Like, okay, I was right but sometimes I do feel bad, cos what is true may not exactly be nice, you know what I mean, and I had to apologise to Marina, in case she gets hurt or something. Yeah sometimes, in fact, many times, I can tell someone from the first look, you know some people just have this vibe or what you call the aura, and I know whether I will like this person or not, but I could only get it half-right with boyfriends. Lol. After smoke, I went back home by bus. People at home went a bit crazy, so I locked myself in my room and snapped pictures of myself to sleep.

Ok I gotta meet Irma for dinner, so I'll come back again later, and put up the Istana pictures. Hopefully, if my gay nephew do NOT Habbo.

last post

2006-01-31T12:24:00.000+08:00

It's almost 3 weeks since the day it ended. I'm not certain on what I feel about it, or rather, how I should feel about it. What I can recall is that I didn't take it quite well for the first few days and then went totally berserk on myself (and others) last week. I was literally, going crazy.

I'm not a romantic person by nature, nor am I a mushy rhyming poet. But I would be lying to say I'm not a sucker for love. I don't believe anyone who claims to have never been in love before. We are only human - we can be self-sufficient but never complete. I felt this relationship is something that completes me, but actually it made me realised of all the things I've lacked. I'm lacking of so many things. But thank God for giving me strength. This one relationship was the only one that was as beautiful as its darkness and as sweet as its sting. Nothing was more dramatic and intense, or even, as bipolar as I am. Sometimes it's violent, sometimes it wouldn't even hurt an ant. But it made me grow and it made me understand a lot more things than I did, but the only weakness was my strength - the only value I had left inside of me - eventually overshadowed by a man's ego and jealousy. And that strength of mine could not even save that relationship, because it was that strength itself that ended it in the first place.

It was like a Russian Roulette game. Either I die or he dies or neither or both. Either way, no one wins. Because when you want to hurt the other person, it's not love anymore. It's obsession. It's love to kill. It's a feel good for yourself but not for long. Even if you survive, you still lose. The fact behind why we could keep it up for so long is probably because we clung on to it like crabs, till we snipped each other to pieces.

I'm not gonna drive down memory lane. I don't want to remember so I write this down (once and for all) to forget (so this will be the last entry about my relationship). I want to walk again. I don't want to be bruised anymore. Sometimes I don't want to live but I don't want to die either. All I need is an eraser, or better still, amnesia. And no more pity, pretty please. I don't know if you understand any bit of this, but if I were an object, then I'd be a PJ Harvey's record, "Is This Desire?", and Tori Amos' "Northern Lad", would really complete that. Go listen, you feel the need to understand. But I guess I'd choose to be a washing machine. Dear God, life ain't kind.

I don't hate people but they make me hate them. Quite a selfish statement, isn't it? Of course, it works vice versa, you know. Sigh. We can't help it, can we all?

My psychiatrist, Geraldine, - I told her almost everything - said it was frightening. We talked about it 2 weeks ago in her clinic, a few days after that fateful night, and a few days before another fateful night on which I last saw him, ever. And I asked her what I should do, or say, when I see him. That was when she gave an unexpected reply: Follow your heart. The break-up was relatively recent, and (according to her) it was impossible to think rationally and act upon situations in a logical way. I felt hopeful when I heard that, because the decision is entirely in my hands. For the first time, I didn't feel like as if I was told to do things. Then again, I wasn't sure if her answer was the reason that she got freaked out by my story, or she just simply gave up on me. But whatever it was, no one, not even I, understood why I didn't follow my heart that very last night. And it really proved that i wasn't influenced, whatsoever, by anything Geraldine had suggested.

I want to twist everything. I'm sick of taking on telenovelic roles of a protagonist.

I don't want to be stupid, in other words.

Even if that would make me happy.

But if you think you know why I didn't follow my heart, I would really love to see what you've got to say up the tagboard.

[girl youve gotta know when its time to turn the page - when ure only wet because of the rain]

bob childs

2006-01-30T13:49:00.000+08:00

I Want I Want

I want to scream out
But speak only in a whisper
I want to wail in pain
But cry only silent tears
I want to discover freedom
But find only punishment
I want to earn forgiveness
But deserve only blame
I want to admit true torment
But discuss only weak inconvenience
I want to release rivers of blood
But make only superficial incisions
I want to be forgotten
But fear only how I will be remembered
I want to die
But only lessen the quality of my life.

- Bob Childs, a bipolar disorder sufferer.

quizzes

2006-01-30T12:00:00.000+08:00

The Cure Shares Your Taste in Music

See their whole playlist here (iTunes required)

Which Musician (or Group) Shares Your Taste in Music?

Your Blogging Type is Kind and Harmonious

You're an approachable blogger who tends to have many online friends.

People new to your blogging circle know they can count on you for support.

You tend to mediate fighting and drama. You set a cooperative tone.

You have a great eye for design - and your blog tends to be the best looking on the block!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Your World View

You are a fairly broadminded romantic and reasonably content.

You value kindness and try to live by your ideals.

You have strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material.

You respect truth and are flexible.

You like people, and they can readily make friends with you.

You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.

What Is Your World View?

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.

You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.

By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.

And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

What Is Your Seduction Style?

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.
Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.
No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.

You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.
Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.
You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.
You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.

You should major in:

Philosophy
Music
Theology
Art
History
Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.

Overall, your true self is passionate and physical.

With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

brain.

2006-01-29T16:13:00.000+08:00

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers.

You're the type that always has multiple streams of thought going. And you can keep these thoughts going at any time.

You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

three countries

2006-01-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

These are just poetry entries. I do not entertain lawsuits.

[I Like Malaysians]

I like Malaysians
They are so unlike Singaporeans
They hang stripes of CMY and not K, but #FFFFFF
They sing songs of patriotism
My Country, my country, my country
They know the difference between Malaysians and Bumiputeras
They claim they are multi-racial
A few of them are rich
They buy more Deers than Jaguars
And trade time for Gucci for RM10
They go home at night
They appreciate all forms of art
Including rainbow coloured umbrellas of Chow Kit Road
They do not drink drive because liquor is sin
Threesome is safer than a boy and a girl
They do not cane rapists
They are revolutionists
Until their leader reformed into a gay
So they stick with their pure mindset
Opposition equals poverty
Only a few can study in Australia
Because anyone can become a University graduate
They claim to not depend on the West but
They think of competing with the EU
They have Twin Towers
They want to be noticed throughout the world
Their Kings secretly wanted golden taps
They are made up of majority Muslims
And unscathed forests
They love to brag about everything.

[I Like Singaporeans]

I like Singaporeans
They are so unlike Malaysians
They have no soul
They are boring and as dry as concrete
They buy flags for SGD1 from supermarkets
A day before National Day
But they want free ones from the RC
Many of them are rich
They buy more Gucci than underwear
And sell motor cars through eBay for USD1
They are soft spoken idealists
It cost too much to be a rebel or an SPG
They sing songs of patriotism in school
They have pink I/C but they live in Australia
Opposition equals enemy
They claim to have won the Independence
They love shopping in JB and KL
But they hate dirty toilets
They thought Mona Lisa was the greatest painting ever
And the Merlion a postcard favourite
They vote for Big Brother
They hate men with golden taps
They hang drug traffickers
They cane vandals and rapists
They charge free speeches
They have Twin Jackfruits
They are noticed throughout the world
They have apologetic Muslims
And the most campaigns
They have too much of everything to brag about.

[I Like Indonesians]

I like Indonesians
They are so unlike Singaporeans and Malaysians
They speak the same language
Their flags have common colours with the other two
They do not need to buy one
They wear them to school
None of them are rich
Not even their leaders
You cannot blame them for slipping Rupiahs under tables
They do not need Gucci or the Internet
No empty promises, no sympathy, no one-eyed liar,
No Father of Nationalism and her big-butted daughter
No IMF or John Howard's smiles, but only basic human rights
And, perhaps, Amien Rais too
Their cigarettes smell bad but taste sweet like diced lungs
Some of them have no passport
So they live in beautiful islands and feed on saltwater fish
They have Jakarta, Krakatoa, Aceh and Tsunami
They either die of nothing to eat or being blown into pieces
They protest everyday because there is nothing to lose
Opposition is healthy
They are natural born dancers from Dangdut marriages
A few of them are money minded whores
But they despise Playboy
They go weak on babes who smuggle drugs
As long as she is white and her surname is Abdullah
They are afraid of Australia
They are the world's most Muslims
And the most mystical practices
They do not brag about anything.

random

2006-01-27T19:48:00.001+08:00

i am very tired today. last night i slept late because i had to help my nephew do his shogatsu project. and i tried tidying up my room but it still looked messy. i tried ironing my clothes but there was something wrong with the iron, it was just not hot enough. and i tried to listen to my iPod and reply those sms, but i fell asleep instead.

this morning i contemplated whether or not to go for a meeting with a group of complete strangers, for the med-surg module. but i went anyway. overcame the laziness and anxiety. i was very tired. i turned up for research methods lecture. nothing good there, as usual.

i was very tired by 3pm. went down to nuh and paid hosp bills. in the train i kept being bogged down by random thoughts...

i dont want to be the group leader for research methods.

why does Jack call me Kitty? i wonder what he had bought for me from the States.

what should i say when i meet him? he wants to come down to NYP to meet me.

hes depressed, schizophrenic and ugly. he looks weird. i dont really want to be seen with him. but i want my gift.

whatever.

why is Dad so solemn these days? have i done something wrong?

maybe its my hair colour. whats wrong with my hair?

i want to see geraldine goh and tell her that i dont want to live but i dont wanna die either.

oh Moon. shes giving up. whats wrong with imh? try NUH, Moon. please, try.

i should have put Hazel on hold last night instead of telling Marina i would call her back later.

i want to sleep the moment i get home.

flint. flint. i want to watch you play.

Flint. i think im obsessed.

i guess you know.

we'll go to the palace this Tuesday k?

damn.

what the fuck is wrong with my hair?

whats wrong with you people staring at me?

im broke and Ivy had asked me for hers.

why are you staring at me?!

ok enough. im gonna eat and sleep. all weekend. happy cina new year. ive stored food at home, like ration, like war. the shops will be closed.

i'll think of something better to write next entry.

boy

2006-01-26T18:20:00.000+08:00

today i went to school in the morning for the 8-9am lecture. didnt feel like sitting in. so i just scanned my card and walked off and bumped into the lecturer who asked me where i was going, and i told her i wanted to go to the toilet first. obviously i went back home.

on the way to school this really really early morning, i had some weird encounter in the train. one ite boy - okay, i say boy, because he is shorter than me, and much boyish than my brother but he's pretty and have nice eyes and looked quite good in that cap of his. a little bit "mat"-ish but okay. he was sitting weirdly - like slouching and at the same time i could see his eyes cornering to peek at my face. then he suddenly took out his phone. its a 3310 model (haha) and started typing a msg to his friend i suppose. of course, like any normal inquisitive person, i tried sneaking a peek at what he was typing. and he typed something in malay like (ok translation), "theres this girl beside me in the train, she's ...." then i couldnt see the rest of it, and in an instance i turned to look at the person at his other side, but it was a man. so he is obviously talking about me to whichever friend of his. and realising that i had seen what he typed, he quickly press send and kept his phone. he still did the eye thing and i was like thinking, "hey little one, what do you actually want?" he left a couple of stations before mine. and whenever i turn away, i could feel his eyes looking at me and i would see him look away when i turn back. but argh. i dont give a shite about the boy, but i so wanna know WHAT he said about me.

then i turned up for the research methods tutorial. lecturer was late. no one bothered. and i chatted with elaine and michelle for a while. he came in. turned out that theres some mini presentation and i wasnt being told about this. meetings, you know, stuff like that. ever since i have my own timetable, its me looking for them and i guess theyre getting the hang of not having me around so often that i guess i wont be surprised if they forgot to call me down for any meeting even though im doing the same module with them, in the same group. i didnt say anything. hazel was the only one talking to me about it, and i told her i dont know a thing and she asked, "did you come for the meeting?". i just gave her a look, "what meeting?" then she didnt really pursue the whole thing. we all just listened to all the presentation and he finished early. at the end of the class, i know not even half of whats going on.

library.

2006-01-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

i was really impatient in the library just now. i swear to you i was almost ballistic.

i went to the central library at bras basah to clear my nephew's lost book fee and to clarify stuff regarding my membership card. you see, i lost my ic when i was 14 and before i reported lost, someone had used it to borrow a few books about dog. they were never returned back of course, and they cost me like $70. so at that time, they told me to pay it if i wanna use my card cos it was all under my name. and i told them, like why would i borrow dog books? and they were a bit kind and let me pay 50 bucks at least. i still didn't cos it wasnt my fault and since then i never use my card. ive been using my classmate's card, from secondary school, Wences, so nice to let me keep his card until now. so yeah i wanted to enquire about the card status.

and so i was in the queue waiting for my turn. there were two customer service officers. one attending to a lady and the other at the far end attending to an old man. i believe from the way they had been talking, it must have been quite a transaction and he should be finished with it soon. theres one indian guy in front of me. a young foreigner. BUT the old man really took quite some time. and it egged me. i think it egged us all. everyone in the queue.

man: so the book is available at ang mo kio library?
lady: yes. at geylang east too.
man: oh i live just nearby, at geylang east, there. (pointing towards the window)
lady: can i update your particulars, then? are u still living in hougang?
man: oh! thats my son (started to blabber about his son) (like, excuse me. its either 'yes, i still live there' or a 'no, not there anymore'. we dont want to know about ur son).
lady: okay. (fake smile)
man: do i need to register when i go to ang mo kio? (i rolled my eyes)
lady: no need. once ure an nlb member, you have access to all libraries in singapore.
man: for everyone?
lady: singaporeans. foreigners can use their passport to register.
man: foreiners must pay how much? (hey get on with it and dont keep us waiting. there are like seven ppl behind me man.) im a singaporean. can i register? (i shook my head)
lady: you are already registered, so where's your card?
man: oh i dont have. maybe during my school days. (i thought, during HIS time, theres no libraries like this and library cards)
lady: okay. can i have your ic? (man passed his ez-link card)
man: oh sorry! wrong. (tried to put back his card and take the ic out)
lady: no its ok. u can use the ez-link card to borrow books. but i need your ic to re-register you.
man: this one is my senior citizen one, you know. (i shook my head again, in disbelief)
lady: yes, you can use that.
man: wow! so good ah now.
lady: okay you can borrow a book for two weeks. one day late costs 15 cents of fine, per book.
man: 15 cents one day? how about one week? (my eyes were wide open, and in disbelief, i heard myself saying, 'oh goodness lord, this is like ten minutes').
lady: (ACTUALLY calculating) erm about $2.10, sir. (indian guy's turn now - with the other customer officer)
man: if one year how much? (thats it. i shook my head and i laughed. i really laughed out. really i couldnt help it. i laughed and the indian guy looked at me. and the customer service girl with the indian guy looked at me, and so did the rest of the queue)
lady: erm. (i would have lost it if she started to count!) no la, wont until one year right?
man: haha. (took the receipt from the lady. by this time, it was my turn already, with the other customer officer) do i need to show this (the receipt) when i go to ang mo kio?
lady: no, it a receipt for your re-registeration. (the one serving me shot her colleague a why-are-you-not-done-with-him look).
man: oh oh. okay. thank you lah. im old la. (yeah youre old, but u speak english like fucking better than condoleeza rice and you have no idea how to get about and around in the library?)
lady: okay see you. (man smiled. ok, if you want to flirt, dont keep us waiting like this)

i really hate it when things like this happen in queues. i really cannot stand long waiting. and these are the things that make me snap or get all panic suddenly. even the indian guy was done before the old man. then it was my turn. i took quite sometime. but at least i was really clearing up a lot of things and this PRC woman got impatient and came beside me and i thought she was like wanting to ask the lady a question, but she was like, "oh i just need a plastic bag?" it was a disgusting chinese accent and the lady at the counter said no we dont have plastics. the PRC looked pissed, "you dont have plastic??" she said like as if library counters are supposed to have plastic bags for them to put their books. go to a freaking bookshop, lady. well anyway, about my card, it was fine. the lady said, "your card is okay, no charges, you can use it. it's just that you havent been patronising the libraries for five years." i was like, ooooh okay. i mean it sounded like i havent been to library for years and supposed to feel guilty about it, but ive beenusing my mate's card. hahaha! yeah! they erased the entire record clean. it pays to be patient!

ok. thats that. very nice library too. i didnt have the chance to go up and check it out. otherwise, smoke and dinner with irma was perfect. i saw asri, again. he's always everywhere. and he's a friend from primary school, and okay it's really weird but i would talk about him in the next entries.

breakup

2006-01-23T09:32:00.000+08:00

yesterday i just went crazy.

i spent all of my money and spent hours in the library writing and reading and writing. and then i spent my money again.

i bought sudoku pro lcd handheld. and dan brown's da vinci code cos i lost my copy. and carbo grabber pills. and lots of cigarette. and top up my phone and cash card. and some skin care. and a lot of other unnecessary things. i didnt buy clothes though i wanted to, but i know my mom can buy those, so i splurged on some unimportant stuff to delight myself.

in the library. i read maya angelou and nikki giovanni. i read stuart dischell five times. i flipped through sylvia plath's unabridged journals. i read about obsessive compulsive disorder. i read this book about being a victim of love and obessive love. and i read about death and god. i took thesaurus and rhyming dictionary and started working on 'the decline of god and decay of men' part II. its not done. still working on it and sonnet of death. then i got bored of everything and read about liver failure. then i borrowed cummings' poetry and some book about how to write life stories. and then i ate at delifrance on my own. i was nothing but sad.

at home i played sudoku and didnt eat. i turned on kanye west's 'diamonds from sierra leone' on repeat mode. then i played a couple of songs by moving units. then ian asked to meet him.

i met him at bt batok. i smoked for a while before i saw him. he looked at me into the eyes. so did i. and we stood about a metre away from each other. he passed me ben's nightwatch dvd. and i took it. we made sure our skin didnt touch. i said thank you. he said thank you. he smoked. i left. and didnt turn back. no smiles. no melancholy. no tension. only hardness in our eyes. and that slowly turned into hatred and violence within my heart. my mind.

ive lost the softness. ive lost the fear. im nothing but hatred and what you will hate.

i vented everything to my brother. he didnt deserve this. im sorry. tell me what i can do to make it up to you. ive hurt you. i want to hurt them, not you.

'i shouldnt have back tracked you'.

you know what. do what you want. and you think im afraid? no.

im my own girl.

payback.

2006-01-22T21:27:00.000+08:00

i want to hurt them. i want to steal whatever make them happy. so you think im afraid of all of you? no, youre wrong. you have no idea what im capable of.

im violent and i want to make them pay. everyone of them. and say, 'how does it feel like, now, huh?'

you want me? you kneel down. and you think i will throw myself over you and say yes? no. i will lift your chin up with the tip of my shoe and press the heel on your nose and you will hear me say, 'what you owe me is more than what youre worth.'

you men. you think i will go weak again? this time, you play my game. mind game? truth or dare? russian roulette? pick one and get ready to lose.

i can name every, every single one of you. but thats not part of the game, otherwise we wont have a thrill ride.

payback time, you bastards.

it will be fun.

i promise, k?

poetry update

2006-01-21T20:07:00.000+08:00

there are 3 new pieces of writing up on my poetry page.

you dont have to understand any of it.

jealousy.

2006-01-21T10:37:00.000+08:00

nice week. sort of.

and if youre reading this (im not really referring to someone whom you might think im most likely to refer to), you read it from the start till the end.

this is one of the most honest and longest entries ever, since such a long time.

i didnt wake up for thursdays morning class. not that i deliberately want not to go for it, but i really just didnt wake up. besides, who would want to wake up early morning, walk ten minutes to the train station, take an hours ride, and then walk another ten minutes to campus, just to sit for a less than an hour lecture on something that she had already sat in through, and then walk ten minutes to the train station to take another hour of ride back, and walk another ten minutes to home? all just for an 8-9am pointless lecture by some failed stand up comedian. doesnt make sense, does it?

i thought of hibernating in darkness at home, but i decided to utilise the time god hath given to me, by going to mt. alvernia hospital to collect my payment advice, where i bumped into jasmine, the paediatric nurse from st. gabriels ward, who was waiting somewhere at the other side of the medical centre for her immunisation. she remembers me. and of course, those filipino male attendants, who always say hello to me while i was working there, i saw them, they recognised me and said hello. sweet. friendly peole, nice working environment. i dont know, its weird, but i felt relaxed when i entered the hospital. its different, you know, i really hate the feeling i get whenever i step into tan tock seng hospital. just bad aura.

im such an idiot with cheques and how they work. but this lady from the hr told me that i can only claim it from hsbc bank. and so of course i asked for the nearest hsbc branch, and she went like, 'that, im not so sure'. and i didnt even check the cheque, and was like, oh fuck, how am i gonna find the nearest hsbc from thomson road? it reminded me of the time when i got my money from teaching math in boon lay primary school, it was a cash check from rhb bank. i was like, WHY RHB bank? its like a freaking malaysian bank and its like, so not mainstream and the ratio of rhb bank to dbs bank is probably like a 1:100 kinda thing, you know what i mean. but thank god i collected the paycheck somewhere at cecil street, so its at raffles place, and one great thing about raffles place is that you can find any bank you want there, within walking distance, even BNI. ah huh. so to me, i wished hsbc is like uob or something - at least something im more familiar with, not that hsbc is a low key bank, its really quite a prosperous bank, man, but its not they type of bank that would have five branches in a neighbourhood zone. well, back to the whole check issue. i remember there is a hsbc in jurong east, i know, but i didnt dare to be totally positive about it, so i was thinking yeah i really need to get my money and then i saw this yuppie guy, judging from the blue striped shirt with a 120-bucks-U.R.S.-looking shiny black shoes, and a Bossini portfolio bag, i believed he knows a freaking deal about banks more than i do, so i asked him the nearest branch and he told me to go to orchard. okay, the place makes sense. so i went and then i dropped opposite ngee ann city, and i walked and asked people wherever the fuck is hsbc. none of them knew, duh, until one kind man told me to go to plaza singapura. and then WHAM!, i was like, omg. there IS a HUGE hsbc beside plaza, even the blind could see, so i wanted to kick myself for forgetting about it and wasting a lot of time, so i took the bus and dashed to hsbc, only to find it was closed. but two kind staff let me in, and told them i need to cash out a check and they were like, 'we're sorry our registers are closed' and being shameless as i always am, i requested if they could make an exception for me. so either it was my charm or desperation that made one of them agreed, and i handed her the check. of course, checking the check in the first place would really have saved my life. but the moment she said im so sorry, i took back the check, and saw a computerised print on the top left hand corner, that read, 'not negotiable from a/c payee' or something like that, whatever that fuck was, i turned red totally. i was like, omg. first, i cant claim from hsbc, which means its not a cash check and i need to deposit into my own bank a/c, and its a crossed check which i didnt check and so yeah i would probably get my money later, and secondly, making things worse, its almost the weekend. shush. i just left the bank, thanked the girls, they were angels really, and walked aimlessly.

and i was listening obsessively to my ipod- i blasted it out into my ears, till i hear nothing else but the music in it. even a loud taxi honk sound got defeated by the loudness that filled my ears, that someone had to pull me away from getting run over or knocked down by it (taxi). it was like this, i was walking and obviously oblivious to whatevers around me, including the sounds - i mean i was totally hopeless, im just in a depressed state and i was stoning, so there was this taxi that was cornering and it could have knocked me down without me realising, if it wasnt for some chinese guy who was walking towards my direction - someone whom i didnt pay attention to - who all of a sudden in a split second, grabbed me by the arm and pulled me closer to the middle of the pedestrian crossing, pulled me towards him, and i was totally stunned. i was spinning for a moment and i saw the yellow cab, then i turned back to look at that person who saved my life. he looked back at me, i guess to ensure that i was okay, and i was too shocked to say thank you. all i see were a few open-mouthed passersby. what a fool i was!

later in the night. i lost it. i was totally dazed. i lapsed. it just struck me in the bus. the last thing i remember was the song Flourella. and i dont know whats so crazy about flourella that it struck me with an episode. its a song that has no emotions or character whatsoever, its just music and make-believe song-worded story made into a heavy rock song so it didnt make sense but i was like a fucking looney, suddenly, in the midst of it. im so sorry to that person who was with me that time, you were so happy and i didnt mean to spoil that. i didnt see it coming and neither could i stop it on its way. and i know i was like totally weird. i was in between mania and depression - more to the depressed zone and was almost off it - you know like - somewhere in the middle of bottomless pit, where you dont really know where the middle is. i was just so glad somehow because you wouldnt want to see me at my worst, there were more horrible things happen when im in a weird mode, but having you see me in a mild clueless mode was bad enough so i felt so screwed. i dont know where i was and i dont know how to express myself. but anyway, why are you so good to me to walk me home, yeah maybe it wasnt like you want it, cos its more like youre obliged to do it. it may not be true but i dont know, i dont want that. call me paranoid, but you dont have to walk me home cos i dont want gestures of kindness just because im very nice to you. then again, maybe u really were worried so you really wanna make sure i go home, and that was really nice and yeah it meant a lot, because i was in such a vulnerable state. i dont know, youre so sweet, theres so much softness in that face of yours when i look into your eyes, i want to gaze at them for as long as i can. i wanted to touch them and kiss you but i know that i cant and i wont and its not right - even if i can do it cos im free to do what i want, even if im maniacal. sigh. i so want to close my eyes and kiss you. but no. and i didnt. and im so thankful i was clever enough to render my own actions. you were irresistable but i resisted. i dont wanna ruin it. and even if i kissed you, that kiss wouldnt mean a single thing at all, just a quick pleasure and nothing but only betrayal to my own self and the one whom i really hope would actually call me and take me home and tell me that im the only one he wants to be with forever.

speaking of that, yes its stupid for someone like me but i so want him to call me. denise said im too nice for my own good.

friday. i woke up early to cash in that fucking check and follow my parents do grocery shopping and have breakfast. it was probably my first breakfast in a week. i havent been eating proper meals, in fact i didnt eat for like two days straight somewhere in the week, and i noticed some loss of weight happening here. god. those collar bones. it feels weird because i havent had those for a long time, ever since i started taking zyprexa shite piece of shite pills that didnt make u any better at all. i could feel my spine and i think im quite happy with that, because im turning back into my old frame - just that this time, its a lil bit more rapid than it should be. my face - i think its pretty and fine, just more defined this time. im only waiting for it to be a bit more sunken and dull, cos that was how i looked like a few years ago when things werent right. funny, things arent better now either.

we watched memoirs of a geisha. the fact that i really appreciated the whole book made me want to watch it. after reading a great book, you would want to watch it - you know - the visual thing. and autobiographies always make the best movies, and im just waiting for kay jamison's 'an unquiet mind' to be made a movie, just like girl interrupted and prozac nation made it big. anyways. the were 8 of us, including denise and her older sister, whom i hung out with earlier the afternoon - snacking at starbucks and window shopping in plaza. my brother came later - ive got so much adoration for him - and then it was great when the rest arrived. we love poking fun at one another. bizarre style of showing affection but that makes us close, you know. the movie was an excellent watch. i couldnt say more, except that the only character that really stole my attention and impression was gong li's hatsumomo. shes a strong antagonist, but a sad one. really. i think the most unforgettable part was that melodramatic-tensed scene between she and mother - that 'im the sole breadwinner for the house' argument. i really feel sorry for her.

that aside. i think i really need to just stop doing things or saying anything - because i end up getting misuderstood. i may have planned for the whole movie outing, i was happy we got good seats and everything was right, the timing and place, almost all of it, but i didnt plan who sits where. i know that i think my brother should sit with me and denise should sit with her sister christine, because its more comfortable that way, but it so ended up, the both of us having the middle seat, and denise ended up sitting beside hazel and then lydia sitting with the ever dramatic-in-movies-im-gonna-clutch-you sowmiya and i dunno but i know someone made a remark or a question asking if i arranged the seating. like hello? do i look like a control freak? like, just sit where u want. its just that you went into the row first and you went into the row last so u ended up in that seats youve got. i dont know. its just a silly minor thing. but i was totally smitten. im doing a lot of good planning the whole thing and it was great that everyone turned up so yes it wasnt that bad. and i dont know, but i was stung again, when someone actually thought i was pissed because things didnt go my way because we didnt get to eat where i had planned earlier, when the most considerate person was actually me, who knew it was getting late and it was definitely impossible to go down to beach road to eat, and i cancelled the whole dinner thing and i was the one who said, 'lets just eat here in the plaza itself', when some were thinking about exquisite places or the food court which might take us like half an hour to get seats and food so i decided on fast food. and even if i am kind enough to open it to the floor, everyone would say 'anything' and none of them would make a decision - which will take up even more time and everyone will be late so what the hell do you mean by things didnt go my way? just freaking shut up. i wasnt petty over that. i could have told everyone to go home, but ben came down just to eat with us, so i couldnt do that. ive to think for a lot of people. and i didnt mind a few of them who wanted to go home early, because sowmiya really has a curfew and its really once in a blue moon that she can go out with us like this. i wasnt pissed of because of that. i was just pissed off that i couldnt attend to everyone. i know hazel wanted to go to the loo with me. i know ben is waiting elsewhere. i know ivy is hurrying. i know denise needs me. i know my brother wants my opinion on the clothing he wanted to buy. all at the same time. and yeah i gave him that opinion and i really was making sure he gets the right size and everything else and makes sure he pay for it and get it done. and i dont know why youre more important to me than anyone else there until two girls just came up like that out of the blue, one in green and the other in red, getting the size for you, choosing for you and helping you wearing it, while she holds your stuff and i was thinking, whats going on here, could you all just wait? but whatever the fuck. i know im crazy. im freaking jealous. call me a looney. i dont care. its either in my bipolar genes or i got infected by my sick boyfriend. and so i just walked out of the store. its dumb really. i just felt - you know, whatever. youre just a friend of mine, ive no right to stop my friends going all over you - i know my reality check. the most i can do is only to support you and make sure youre okay and nothing more than that. im a big sister. but i dont know why im selfish and im obsessive and i guess yes thats what im seen as by people. someone wanting things to go my way. because usually i get what i want. but sometimes, im just invisible and insignificant. i know. or maybe i dont know nothing at all and should start learning to know that. perhaps the real reason i was pissed was because of that, not anything else that had to do with food.

food sucks. they shouldnt be eaten, you know, like medicine. my dad gave me my nightly pills and i locked my door, i counted - seroquel, paroxetine, sodium valproate, and then the next thing i knew i threw them over the window. why do i have to take those things? those poison. or everything else that ive taken?

the only thing i havent taken is lithium. and if that day ever comes, i know i'll be fucked for as long as im alive.

im going crazy day by day. its unbearable.

no one can afford to love a crazy person. its not 'all in the mind'. it IS the mind.

and no you definitely cant love a bipolar girl because you can never understand her mind, if theres a need to understand it.

and its all up to you - whoever you are, if you think you are.

grief.

2006-01-18T09:24:00.000+08:00

i am grieving now. i need to be grateful that i can grieve, but that doesnt make it any less painful. i hate grieving, and i hate the anger i feel too. i wish it would all go away and i could keep up my normal schedule like a normal person.

but i am a normal person. any normal person who saw what i saw and suffered the losses i suffered would be grieving too. ive worked hard to get in touch with my feelings, and this sadness is one of them.

just think, i used to go numb, overeat, space out, party and do pills instead of feeling this grief. i can see now why i wanted to escape it; the pain is so bad and i dont know when it will end. i feel trapped by it, like theres no way out.

but ive made progerss. i can face it all without running away. i must be very strong to be able to tolerate all this suffering without trying to escape. i need to congratulate myself instead of putting myself down.

also, i need to stop thinking of this grieving as a sign of my emotional weakness or mental instability. i need to remember that my grief is a mirror of my love for the people, qualities, values and abilities that i lost. they are worth my tears. my grief gives dignity to their death. its OK if i grieve them over and over again. they are worth it.

would i criticise others if they were grieving for me? if someone had lost what i lost or had symptoms like mine, would i think something was wrong with that person because they felt sad about it and cried sometimes? id be compassionate to them, wouldnt i? ive to treat myself with as much gentleness and understanding as i would someone in a similar situation.

i cant help it if i have bd. i didnt choose what happened to me. because of i have bd, i can expect that i will experience this grief again, but i dont have to be afraid of it. grief is a feeling. i wont die from it. i can cry for 5 mins, 5 hours, 5 months and i still wont die. even though im always afraid that once i start crying i wont be able to stop, i always have stopped.

most likely i wont cry for 5 hours or 5 months. i should know by now. my fears about giving in to the sadness have always been worse than sadness itself. i cant keep comparing myself to other people who dont seem to grief much. either they hide their grief in public and feel in private, or they deny their sorrw. just because they dont show their grief, doesnt mean i am wrong to feel mine. because of what i went through, i have much to be sad about, so its appropriate for me to grieve.

* youre afraid that if you dare to think about your revenge fantasies, you will act on them.

weekend.

2006-01-15T12:06:00.000+08:00

it had been a rough weekend. i did many things, some of which i regretted, others i would eventually regret. i said too much to take them back, and did too much to justify myself. im in a no-win situation, not that i want to win, but i know im responsible. decision-making isnt exactly the easiest thing to do in this world. but as a human, ive to recognise that we all make mistakes. the sad fact is, sometimes, we were pretty much aware of it. moral of the story: it doesnt pay to be emotional, while honesty is a huge price to pay. if you have a religion, then the smartest thing to do is to trust fate and god will (this really tests you) help you.

ive more or less already settled down in school. ive almost recovered from my shingles (the nerve pain is still there though) and my relationship with the psychiatrist has improved a bit and i take my meds everyday (im gonna be a nurse, so complacency and non-compliance would really defeat my integrity, besides, i really wanna get well, even though that pain keeps me going, this whole thing about pain is pleasure is really addictive and downright unhealthy - on a better note, it is very helpful in my poetry writing). im more determined to get back on track with my studies, now that ive more time to myself and more time in school to take things slowly and one step at a time, ive to realise that im prone to sickness and being away from my class and a lot of projects would at least discriminate me from a lot of unnecessary stress and additional pressure. i lost myself to that, in the previous semesters, so now is time to recuperate. im gonna kick start next week with a good heart and a mind as clear as possible. im semi-dependent, so please keep supporting me, you know who you are.

i know the people who read this. and there are others im unaware of. if you think im referring to you, then listen to me now. ive been battling in bipolarity with myself for a few years, and as much as im trying to get in the middle, i end up on either side of the pole. bad good worse. wise - foolish. smart - stupid. silly - careful and then things never gets good thereafter. pious - promiscuous. talk - shut the fuck up. fine today and then next day you see me in the hospital. passive aggressive. +ve -ve. left and right. easy virtue - hard to get. pretty ugly. fat and thin. pain agony pleasure joy. either youre the greatest thing alive, or nothing at all. love/hate/love and it will always end up with love (because ive longed too much for that ever since the love in me had given itself to trauma and haunting flashbacks - at one point in time i was about to lose the love for god - O, i seek refuge in You) and as peace comes in mind, revenge seems to be the hardest word to spell, the most dangerous game to play with, and though it seductively tempts me to indulge in it, i never execute it. and i never want to. it doesnt matter anymore now - only benefits me with temporary satisfaction and eternal regret. ive regretted too much and i need to conserve that kinda energy for decades ahead. and of course, i havent won the fight yet and im still manic and depressed. i guess the thing that keeps me alive is my sickness and i no longer think of dying - let the medicine itself kill me.

my family - they are flawed and defective and used to be a little dysfunctional (here, what i mean by dysfunctional, is not about alcoholism or that sort, but in psychological and behavioural terms) but they are a great family. no matter how orthodox or solemn and mundane they can be (and sometimes we do want to kill one another), i know we all love each other. and i have my friends (some really good ones), no matter how annoying and shallow they can be at times, i would still recognise that everyone of them has a certain level of intelligence i do not possess (and vice versa) and i respect that difference, whether i see it or not. at a certain level, they shape my personality and build my character. i would not say im a strong person by just measuring the amount of experience and numerous failed attempts and several failures (regardless of what occasion) - im only 23 and im in no position to compare myself with others, not especially with friends. but sometimes, you cant help but being flattered when people say that about you and then it gets in your head. you know what i mean. if you (you, that person) are reading this, then let me tell you that im just as less as you are - im lacking of a lot of things, there is so much weakness in me so dont you dare bring yourself down - but that doesnt mean you bringing ME down as well. like jennifer aniston puts it in 'derailed', the last movie i watched (or anyone else who says this, cos its a pretty cliched statement) - be happy with what you have. and i am happy with what i have, in terms of the people i have around me, and im working on to having a good career, and i think i would be contented with just that - except that im waiting for you to complete me (but on a playful note, and materialistically speaking, i still dont have what i want - like a really good computer - *laughs*).

sigh. im very tired. my body wears me out. things are completely different for me now. and although its an achievement for me to have all this written down and expressed out like therapy, and recovering (its taking quite some time) from the demons of last thursday, i still dont know where to go from here.

god sylvia.

2006-01-14T13:13:00.000+08:00

"I think I would like to call myself 'the girl who wanted to be God'. Yet if I were not in this body, where would I be--perhaps I am destined to be classified and qualified. But, oh, I cry out against it."

- Sylvia Plath

words anne s.

2006-01-14T13:09:00.000+08:00

Words.
Anne Sexton

Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be as good as fingers.
They can be as trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.
Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, its passionate face.
Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren't good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.
But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

again anne s.

2006-01-14T13:01:00.000+08:00

Again and Again and Again.
Anne Sexton

Watch out for power,
for its avalanche can bury you,
snow, snow, snow, smothering your mountain.

Watch out for hate,
it can open its mouth and you'll fling yourself out
to eat off your leg, an instant leper.

Watch out for friends,
because when you betray them,
as you will,
they will bury their heads in the toilet
and flush themselves away.

Watch out for intellect,
because it knows so much it knows nothing
and leaves you hanging upside down,
mouthing knowledge as your heart
falls out of your mouth.

Watch out for games, the actor's part,
the speech planned, known, given,
for they will give you away
and you will stand like a naked little boy,
pissing on your own child-bed.

Watch out for love
(unless it is true,
and every part of you says yes including the toes),
it will wrap you up like a mummy,
and your scream won't be heard
and none of your running will end.

Love? Be it man. Be it woman.
It must be a wave you want to glide in on,
give your body to it, give your laugh to it,
give, when the gravelly sand takes you,
your tears to the land. To love another is something
like prayer and can't be planned, you just fall
into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief.

Special person,
if I were you I'd pay no attention
to admonitions from me,
made somewhat out of your words
and somewhat out of mine.
A collaboration.
I do not believe a word I have said,
except some, except I think of you like a young tree
with pasted-on leaves and know you'll root
and the real green thing will come.

Let go. Let go.
Oh special person,
possible leaves,
this typewriter likes you on the way to them,
but wants to break crystal glasses
in celebration,
for you,
when the dark crust is thrown off
and you float all around
like a happened balloon.

pj harvey

2006-01-14T12:43:00.000+08:00

My Beautiful Leah - PJ Harvey

Did you see her walking?
Did she come around here Sir?
Black hair, brown eyes
My beautiful Leah
She was always so needing
Said, 'I have no-one'
Even as I held her
She went out looking for someone

She only had nightmares,
And her sadness never lifted
And slowly over the years
Her lovely face twisted
Did she come around here Sir?
I swear you would remember
Black hair, brown eyes
Late September...
October,
November,
December

It never leaves my mind
The last words she said
'If I don't find it this time,
Then I'm better off dead.'

girl

2006-01-14T12:38:00.000+08:00

Girl - Tori Amos

From in the shadow
She calls
And in the shadow
She finds a way
And in the shadow
She crawls
Clutching her faded photograph
My image under her thumb
Yes with a message for my heart
She's been everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own

And in the doorway
They stay and laugh
As violins fill with water
Screams from the bluebells
Can't make them go away
We'll I'm not seventeen
But I've cuts on my knees
Falling down
As the winter takes one more cherry tree
Rushin' rivers thread so thin limitation
Dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue
And the drugstores too safe
In their coats
Anda in their do's
Yeah smother in our hearts
A pillow to my dots
One day maybe
One day
One day she'll be her own

And in the mist
There she rides
And castles are burning in my heart
And as I twist I hold tight
And I ride to work every morning
Wondering why
"Sit in the chair and be good now"
And become all that they told you
The white coats enter her room
And I'm callin' my baby
Callin' my baby
Callin' my baby
Callin' everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own

bipolar love.

2006-01-13T13:42:00.000+08:00

At times I thought I was the greatest thing alive and then other times I believed I was worth nothing at all.

Could You Love A Bipolar? TEST.

Love and the Bipolar World:
The Art of Finding Meaning

It is my conjecture that love or the lack thereof is at the root of the onset of bipolar illness. It seems that there are a larger than average number of individuals diagnosed that have backgrounds of abuse or early traumatic events. Thus in my opinion the bipolar quest is one of love.

How can love be related to bipolar disorder? I believe that the original manifestation of what become bipolar disorder takes place in childhood after some traumatic event occurs that causes the internal 'thermometer' to swing so far out of balance that balance can never be regained. This hypothetical thermometer is what controls and dictates the emotional responses for the individual and with it in dissaray normal responses become impossible and abnormal responses become the norm. The emotional thermometer becomes so dysfunctional over time that eventually the individual finds themselves experiencing manic and depressive episodes in succession of one another. This is the point at which medical intervention usually takes place and the official diagnosis occurs. However, it is significant that most bipolars find themselves experiencing the manic or the depressive side of the pendulum often years before the other swing takes place. How does all of this relate to love? Love is the initial problem in the sense that some event occurs in which love is absent. This absence of love causes a response in the individual in which the center is no longer present. The necessary foundation for mental health, which is based on self-love is suddenly absent. Without this bipolar disorder becomes the norm rather than the exception.

What kind of event must take place to trigger this response? It must be traumatic and it must somehow separate the individual from the normal foundation by which he has come to use for stability. We all experience what could be perceived as lack of love in our developmental years but what the bipolar individual experiences is traumatic enough that it somehow scars him or her emotionally for life. The solution is to regain that sense of internal balance and therefore prevent the abnormal reactions from taking place in the future.

Allie Bloom, John Haeckel, Mark (ez) D.
September, 2005.

cure

2006-01-13T13:01:00.000+08:00

A night's headache removes all of one's sins, save the major ones.

- Imam al-Sadiq ('a)

theft.

2006-01-12T10:51:00.000+08:00

theft.

they took her power
like Azrael ripping
souls off living bodies.
when she bled
they became demi-gods
but all she wanted
was love
not anaphylactic shock.
on a horse ride
she wandered
she fell
and her persona lost
like value
beneath her clothes.
at night she could only
sleep with her thighs
crossed tight
weaved and intertwined
within their backstage laughter.
she washes the dishes
though she misses
the fishes.
so forget the fight
for pride
even if you have
the reddest heart.
because when you're a woman
you're only alive
if it was just a bad dream.

poetry

2006-01-08T20:47:00.000+08:00

the decline of god, the decay of man.

god
a name we cannot decide
whether to recite
or to fear or near
or to explore or ignore
or to challenge and question
the existence
will it be the end of the world
when the hours run
counter clockwise
we cannot turn back time
to change everything
while we are still sleeping
in darkness till dawn sets in
we define our lives at night
within evil and vice
we are lost and blind
to find our way out of
our worldly mind
and it is getting late
we wake up in daylight
only to outwit mankind
we steal and we kill
to be might
to be right
to be tall like skyscrapers
towering stairway to god
to meet our new competitor
and prove that we need no
other man to make another man
knowledge becomes a weapon
to feed our ambitions
creations become objects
of devotion and we worship
convenience that helps
us make excuses
and selfish reasons
when we believe in stars
there is no more god
because anyone can become Jesus
and Gabriel is a woman
and Allah is a difficult name
and Buddha is a doll
a concept
a lifestyle
a stress relief
a pendant we hang loose on our necks
not as talisman
no lucky charm
no protection
but symbol of wealth
and earthly possessions
no more embedded in our hearts
no traces left in mind
only words and phrases
misused
manipulated
vulgaritised
and when there are too many hands of god
we eat them up
like beef in burgers
we do not even eat meat anymore
because we eat their faeces
and we degenerate
into intricate creatures
an act mistaken for a test
of courage, strength and durability
like primitives
we are slaves to everything we create
divinity impeached
nothing is holy
nothing to believe
there is no hell
because heaven is on earth
and freedom is the keyword
no restrictions
no rules, laws and consequences
no shame
because cool is our middle name
as kippas and rosaries
a fashion statement
and swastikas become flags
men became women
and women wear only skin
because clothes are excess baggage
we ride on wheels
and gamble on saddles
sex is free
marriage is expensive
war is money
peace is poverty
no more prayers
and we want more than what we have
because we live to not die
but to survive in the world
where good and bad exist
where we are both
where we are saints and satans
and sometimes we are gods
and everything becomes unreal
our culture is not our identity
just entertainment
and religion is just another
classification
dewey-decimaled in libraries
where god is dismembered
in the archives
suffer the last generation
who will read its history
and are we waiting for the time
when we start to ask ourselves
who we are
but never find the answers
because there are too many questions
no revelations
no explanations
if it is not about god
then it is our faith
and we no longer
leave it to Him
because it is entirely up to us.

covers

2006-01-08T20:27:00.000+08:00

Top 3 favourite album covers (Pt 2).

1. Revolver (The Beatles)

2. Closer (Joy Division)

3. Black Market Music (Placebo)

bus detour.

2006-01-08T12:29:00.000+08:00

school is different now. im spending less time in classroom and wasting more hours in random parts of the school. i cant wait for dr. yong's wednesday classes to clear that fucking module. nevertheless, i still join in my ever-wonderful gang every now and then, when our breaks meet. so far one project is on the way - psychology.

last night, i went out with my brother and denise to watch Nuance play at the Esplanade. it was damn cool. i like them. although they covered mansun, it was disappointing that they did wide open space (boring!) and the frontguy screwed up the lyrics. lol. but great effort. really appreciate that cos not many local bands cover mansun. brother dragged me to say hi to Cal the drummer, who was probably the man of the match that night with the virtuoso drumming. he was cool. yeah.

after seeing denise off at the train station, we took 502 back home, but little did i know that that damn bus had changed its route - traumatised us a bit, but lucky for flint, it dropped him at this home, but that fucked up bus skipped my place, and yeah i had to like go back home via another bus. damn. how could i be so ignorant. i SHOULD HAVE known whenever buses change routes. fuck. but it was fun though. somewhat exhilarating. we thought the bus driver was hijacking the bus! lol.

today is a rainy sunday. im gonna stay home. just rest. my shingles are still there but the pain subsided. i cant wait for tmr. to go school. weird? yeah well, only god knows how i feel at this moment.